1. When working out your perfect pet, you need to balance your future furball's energy levels with your lifestyle. Which scampery rascal really matches your get-up-and-go?
    1. A soft, sleepy snoozer who loves patches of sun and the occasional head scratch.
    2. A barking bundle of bounce who drags you outside for walks.
    3. A hirsute, eight-foot-long sidekick who is moody, unpredictable, and constantly threatening to go on 1000-mile treks.
  2. Wee beasts have such sparkling personalities! Which critter character traits call to you?
    1. Sleepiness, introversion, sporadic bursts of generosity (in the form of decapitated rodents or a freshly murdered bird.)
    2. Loyalty, enthusiasm, the need for constant reassurance.
    3. Bottomless melancholy, an unflinching stare, the ability to snack for 12 hours straight.
  3. Imagine frolicking with your adorable animal amigo in the backyard, the park, or the nearest semi-arid tropical grassland. When it's time to go, what name are you calling to summon your little snugglebuddy home for the night?
    1. Felix! Molly! Claude DePussy!
    2. B. Rover! Buddy! Testicle the Manpal!
    3. C. Straggles! Chomp Chomp! Noble Spindlehaunches Bovid Queen of the Savannah!
  4. It's important to consider whether your potential paw pal will flourish solo or need a companion or two of its own. Which scenario best describes how many rascally rompers your home and heart can accommodate?
    1. 1 to several hundred.
    2. 1 to 5.
    3. Approx. 8 in the dry season, one million or more otherwise.
  5. When your mudmuppet gets mucky, would you like a beastie bestie who:
    1. Cleans themselves.
    2. Needs some soaping and scrubbing—even while having grime and excrement expunged from its person, this needy nugget can never be alone!
    3. Will gnaw off your limbs should you dare even glance at its straggly mane or beard.
  6. Your bouncing ball o' fun may want to wake you in the morning. What kind of snout snuggles would start your day with a smile?
    1. A tentative lick or gentle paw-prod (may also include delivery of warm mouse carcass.)
    2. A playful tug on the bedcovers to encourage you to bound out of bed and issue commands to obey your every whim.
    3. A mournful low, the thunder of galloping hooves, and 600 pounds of bearded mammalian might mashing you against the mattress every time your downy darling mistakes your bed for the Mara River.
  7. Your devoted varmint has been home alone all day! Lil fuzzy face is sure to react when you open your front door. Would you like a fluffbaby who:
    1. Opens one eye, yawns, and returns to sweet dreams of stalking, torture, and dismemberment.
    2. Jumps, barks, and covers 84% of your visible flesh with its saliva.
    3. Trundles over you and makes for the closest flood plain.
  8. Your trusty buckeroo will want to tell you when it's excited, sad, or scared. Which of the following would you like to soundtrack your days?
    1. Mews, chirrups, and the shrill cries of mouse lives, cut cruelly short.
    2. Yelps, growls, and small whimpers of terror whenever your tiny peanut contemplates the horror that is self-validation.
    3. A lugubrious croak that speaks of the wind on the savannah, the utter insignificance of the individual, the unspeakable desolation that is this life (may become more of a thunderous honk during annual rutting season.)

Mostly As: You are a slothful introvert—perfectly suited to staying home, napping, and sprawling on the couch! You are a cat person!

Mostly Bs: You are a nervy, needy, authoritarian fuelled by attention, exercise, and saliva! You are a dog person!

Mostly Cs: You alternate binge-eating with sporadic bursts of exercise! You are mopey, unkempt, and unpredictable! Stock up on bushels of fresh Serengeti karoo bushes, you are a wildebeest person!