If you had bought $100 worth of bitcoin exactly ten years ago it would be worth almost $6M today. As you doubtlessly know by now, you didn’t do that. If you’re like me, a guy resigned to patiently contributing to my 401k until capitalism grants me permission to die, it’s unlikely that you’re the type of person who invested your hard-earned dollars in some harebrained get rich quick scheme.

You know who did, though? All of the worst people you have ever known. All of those shifty assholes you’ve been making fun of and dismissing your whole life while you actually work for a living are probably rich now because their worst instincts led them to fall ass backwards into made-up internet money.

In addition to my lack of financial wealth, I will now demonstrate my spiritual poverty by bitterly ranking all of the most awful people I know based on the probability that they are now very rich off of bitcoin.

Roy: The griftiest guy I went to high school with

Roy was always trying to make a quick buck. He had all the best schemes in high school, and he also never had any money when the bill came. He sold weed. He definitely tried to become a rapper on early YouTube. He started a bro-MLM (that’s right, it’s not just essential oils, makeup, and kitchen containers), something to do with selling energy drinks door to door. Last I heard, he dropped out of college to pursue his dream of making a lot of money by not working very hard.

Points toward being bitcoin rich: His lack of scruples and earnest dedication to achieving wealth by any means makes me think there’s more than an outside chance he somehow lucked his way into bitcoin.

Points against: I suspect that if he had, we’d be able to buy his promotional guide by now, “How I made my millions in bitcoin, and you can too!”

Chance that he’s a bitcoin billionaire: 48%

Mike: The guy who was really (really) into buying drugs off the internet in college

Mike was the shadiest guy in my fraternity. He always had drugs on him, but not in a fun way. Allegedly, he was making six figures by senior year selling MDMA and slept with a gun under his pillow. He was the guy that you were glad was at the party, but you didn’t really want to be alone in the room with.

Points toward being bitcoin rich: Mike was buying his supplies in bulk on the internet around the time when bitcoin was the currency of preference for that type of transaction, so the circumstances align. We lost touch, thankfully, so points in his favor if it was because he went to prison and had to sit on the bitcoin for a few years.

Points against: It’s also more than possible that he spent all of the money, or did all of the drugs. He was successful because people like drugs, not because he was bright.

Chance that he’s a bitcoin millionaire: 61%

Matt: The “entrepreneur”

Matt has a tech startup, and he’s going to tell you all about it. It’s definitely done some fundraising, it definitely has a website, and he’s very convincing about how successful it is. But I definitely can’t tell what it does or if it actually exists.

I met Matt at a networking event, where we bro'ed out over “tech.” He was on the verge of breaking out and selling his company for millions, he was just waiting for the deal to go through. It’s been six years now, and every time I catch up with him, he is on the verge of selling his company for millions and is just waiting for the deal to go through. Matt is almost definitely full of shit. Almost definitely. But if it’s a ruse, to what end? And for how long?

Points toward being bitcoin rich: Matt is always dropping buzzwords into every conversation about his startup (which is every conversation). AI! Drones! VR! His identity is so wrapped up in being tech literate that it’s possible that he got really into crypto early because “it’s, like, super cool. My startup is on the blockchain.”

Points against: I’m pretty sure (but can’t prove!) that he’s still living in his parents' basement.

Chance that he’s a bitcoin millionaire: 68%

Jim and Ron Watkins: The weird libertarians as seen in the Q Anon documentary

Jim and Ron Watkins are the father and son team behind 8Chan, the internet’s worst forum (don’t Google it). At best, they are very creepy internet trolls and the embodiment of a type of cis white male toxic “libertarianism.” They’re the role models for your crazy uncle who rants about the dangers of 5G at Thanksgiving or your anti-vaxxer cousin who posts pictures of his doomsday prep kit on Instagram.

The perception that bitcoin lives outside the existing government and banking infrastructure is, to some people, its most appealing feature. And those people… those people suck. It’s the guy who wants to disappear off the grid, live off the land, but also still find a way to share their hot takes on “corporate censorship.”

Points towards being bitcoin rich: If your only metric for a currency is whether the government can use it to surveil you, you’ve had all of your assets in bitcoin for years.

Points against: If they ever even had a fortune, it’s likely that they’ve spent it on MAGA causes by now.

Chance that they’re bitcoin millionaires: 92%