You and your family return from a two-week vacation to find someone has broken into your house and is now living in your walls. You’re not sure how they got there but realize they’re not planning to leave. Here are some helpful tips:
1. Don’t call the cops on them again. Every time you do, they catch wind of your plan and just burrow deeper into your walls.
2. Assume they’re going through your personal belongings when you’re at work. After all, you do have a “make yourself at home” art print hanging over your fireplace.
3. If you determine that they’re harmless, cut out peepholes in the rec room so they can be a part of Family Movie Night.
4. Leave copies of Variety or The Hollywood Reporter for them to read in the air vents, as they might be a method actor rehearsing for a new role (probably Nicolas Cage).
5. Once you confirm it is Nicolas Cage after finding movie night requests on your fridge for only Nicolas Cage films, contact his agent to find out which movie he’s preparing for.
6. When you find out he’s not doing a person-living-in-your-wall movie, have his agent draw up a list of demands which may convince him to leave.
7. After you realize Nicolas Cage doesn’t have any demands, and just wants to keep living in your walls, install a shower in there so he’s not hogging your family’s only bathroom while you sleep. His hair is always getting clogged in the drain and grossing out your kids.
8. If you’re able to co-exist peacefully, allow Nicolas Cage to have a pet. When you find out he’s already been keeping a pet octopus in the walls this entire time, don’t get angry, just be thankful you finally figured out why the water bill has been so high.
9. After living in harmony with Nicolas Cage for years, you and your husband decide to downsize to a small cabin when your kids go off to college. Break the bad news to the Oscar winner during one of his fun popcorn flicks like Con Air or Gone in 60 Seconds, and definitely not Leaving Las Vegas, which may only depress him further.
10. When you’re packed and ready to say goodbye to your home, leave Nicolas Cage a small care package of things he loves like comic books or dinosaur bones, to keep him occupied before the new owners move in.
11. While driving the ten-hour cross-country trip to your new cabin, you hear something thud in the truck. Tell your husband to investigate, and when he does, he finds Nicolas Cage inside with tears streaming down his face. He says he doesn’t want to be just another method actor living in someone’s walls. He wants to be a method actor living in your walls.
12. After the three of you embrace, tell Nicolas Cage that your new cabin is made of thick cedar logs with no space for anyone, even a successful actor who’s grossed over two billion dollars at the box office, to live inside.
13. When you realize Nicolas Cage won’t take no for an answer, offer him a small shed on the property to live inside instead. He seems keen on the idea, but when you arrive at the cabin, you open the truck to find he’s gone, except for the words “thanks for the memories” scrawled on the white walls of the spare tire.
14. After twenty years go by, your husband falls ill and asks to whisper something into your ear. Bend down to listen to his final words, and when you do, he tells you he’s actually Nicolas Cage, having swapped faces with your husband back when he found him hiding in your trunk.
15. Take as much time as you need to digest this shocking news, but then appreciate the fact you spent so many wonderful years with your high school sweetheart’s body/the star of Ghost Rider’s face.
16. Write a book about your experience. When Hollywood producers approach you to buy the movie rights, insist on being involved in all aspects of production because you want the story to be authentic.
17. After the film wins an Oscar for best guy-living-in-wall movie, give a speech that pays homage to the actor and the life partner it was based on.
18. While you’re on stage, you notice a shadowy figure in the crowd that looks awfully like the silhouette of your husband’s distinct jawline and Nicolas Cage’s body, but they disappear when you glance back. Maybe your eyes are playing tricks on you, so don’t get too excited.
19. When you arrive home to your new beach-front property in Malibu, you find a movie request for Face/Off on the fridge, which was your husband’s favorite film and one of Nicolas Cage’s most memorable performances. Ask yourself what this all could mean.
20. Shortly after, you hear a noise in the vents and suddenly have the familiar sensation that you’re not alone. Remain calm and don’t freak out. And whatever you do, don’t call the cops since that might just make whoever’s there burrow deeper into your walls.