Do the stresses of modern life have you down in the dumps?

Is your life's purpose perhaps not so clear?

Has your quest for existential meaning resulted in the discovery of crushing, debilitating nihilism?

Hi, Hayden Church here. I'm the founder and CEO of Homegrown Revolution, the only how-to guide for small revolution leaders like you looking to grow their revolution–all from the comfort of your own home! I even chose to film this commercial in my brother’s home to show you I’m not a scam artist.

Large-scale revolutions have the advantages of corporate sponsorship, marketing campaigns that receive the attention of every major media outlet, and charismatic leaders who attended Ivy League schools (and whose parents are filthy rich).

You, however, lonely and ineffective leader that you are, have absolutely none of this.

But fear not! Here at Homegrown Revolution, we understand the challenges small revolution leaders face, and that's why we're prepared to make you an offer you can't refuse–or else! Just kidding! (Sort of.)

I founded Homegrown Revolution in 2010 after reading Barack Obama’s fascist manifesto, Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters. Why didn’t you just give the letter to your daughters, Barack? Now your daughters have to buy a book just to read a letter from their own father. What a shame.

Our time is brief because I’m only allowed to go on the internet for fifteen minutes per day, but there are three things that I need from you:

  1. Two easy payments of $24.99. This will get you our Homegrown Revolution Starter Kit, which includes a (gently) used copy of The Anarchist Cookbook, a scuffed bullhorn, a shitty-looking bandana, and a burned copy of Camille Paglia’s anti-feminist propaganda Sexual Personae.
  2. Your Social Security number. To keep track of you in case you flake on me.
  3. A laminated copy of your last will and testament, specifying that 45% of your financial assets go to me in case of your eventual death/imprisonment.

Here’s a detailed rundown of the items you’ll receive, if you make the two payments of $26.99:

The Anarchist Cookbook is a classic novel that every small revolution leader should read. In it, it teaches valuable leadership skills and fun arts and crafts that anyone can make, if they have access to a hardware store and someone over the age of 21.

The bullhorn, a commemorative item used at a recent Evergreen State College protest, features three to five scuff marks and the signature of two Evergreen students who might not have been involved in the protest. I bought like forty bullhorns that were on sale, so please, help me out here. I have a surplus of bullhorns, which is something your mother specifically warned you about as a child, but hey, life happens.

The bandana is a fashionable item to be worn over your face like a 50-something-year-old biker with two mortgages on his house and a small dog that rides shotgun with him wherever he goes. It’s in this season, my Antifa fashion insiders/Bane cosplayers tell me.

The burned copies of Sexual Personae were provided free of charge by a local feminist organization, Womyn for More Comfortable Sports Bras, who are near my local YMCA, where I “borrow” their wifi to watch only the porn labeled “For Women” on Pornhub.

That’s right, you get all of this for three payments of $28.99!

But wait–that’s not all!

For an extra payment of $9.99, you'll get a signed copy of my novel, “Please Help Me: the CIA Is Watching Me and I Think My Sister Has Been Snitching.”

Oh, what’s that? It sounds like there’s someone a-knockin’ at my brother’s door? Oh, that’s probably just my brother. He can wait.

Just email my brother at [email protected], and then tell him that you want “the stuff,” and then he’ll email you my phone number, and then you can call me and I'll give you my PayPal me those four payments of $30.99.

Until next time, fight the good fight, Comrades!