How many times has this happened to you:
It's Friday night. You are alone in your apartment watching old episodes of The Twilight Zone. All of your friends, neighbors, and co-workers are at a really cool party. Drinks are on the house, everyone is letting loose and having a wonderful time, and most of them are going to go home later and have really awesome sex. (Oddly enough, every single person at the party somehow "accidentally" forgot to call you.) You've just eaten an entire bag of Doritos out of self-pity, and you're touching yourself in a naughty place and crying…again.
WELL STOP THAT!! Because here are six ways to make yourself cooler.
1. Place yourself in dangerous situations.
Placing yourself in a dangerous situation will make you appreciate the simple fact that you are alive. Now, if you're anything like me, you're probably sitting at home watching The Dark Knight for the 101st time, wishing that you were Batman. Don't spend another weekend like this. Be brave. Turn off the movie and take this opportunity to put yourself in a real life-threatening situation.
After that last beautiful drop of Wild Turkey enters your stomach…you will finally be ready to share your thoughts with every person you know on Facebook. Find a place of ill-repute nearby that is so loaded with darkness and corruption that it makes goosebumps appear on your skin—a place where every pervert, pedophile, child molester, serial killer, con artist, and pretty much any other type of abusive, spiritually-dead, murderous, criminal-minded individual would tend to congregate at the same time….
A place where all the intense, wretched, horrifying evil that lurks beneath the surface of your town manifests itself in one area with such penetrating magnitude and force that it would make any decent person get down on his or her knees and beg the good Lord for mercy and protection….
What I'm saying is, go to Walmart.
2. Drunk email people on Facebook.
We all put on fake social masks as we proceed through the course of a normal day. Everybody knows this. We have to navigate our way through a somewhat civilized world, so who we "really are" inside is rarely expressed on the surface of our casual interactions with other people. But if you want people to respect who you "really are," then you need to share your "real thoughts" with them. You need to drunk email them on Facebook.
But before you express your "real thoughts" to someone in an email, you need to dive into the psychological depth of your own personality and your understanding of life. Staring at the moon for 10 hours straight while drinking 20 cans of Busch Light and half a bottle of Wild Turkey will help you achieve this.
After you've stared at the moon for 10 hours, and after that last beautiful drop of Wild Turkey blissfully enters your stomach…you will finally be ready to share your thoughts with every person you know on Facebook. They will be amazed by the profound and Earth-shattering insights you have gained, and they will have a totally new understanding of you as a person.
"I had 243 friends on Facebook yesterday, but now I only have 17. And the police are knocking on my door. What happened?"
3. Injure yourself in front of that girl you really like.
Let's face it. Most gorgeous, young women are attracted to assholes, not nice guys. If there is a special girl you've been thinking about—whether she lives in your apartment building or works at your place of employment—chances are she is more attracted to the arrogant, self-confident, jerk who has an 8-inch penis than the intelligent, sensitive male who has a 3-inch penis and deep thoughts about life.
However, there is a way to beat the odds. Here's how:
Stalk her so that you know when she will leave her apartment complex, when she will take a break at work, or even when she will go out with her friends. Strategically place yourself in an area where one of her normal routes will eventually lead her to you. (Don't worry, this will work. Every person has repeating behavioral patterns that dictate many of their everyday habits, actions, and routines.)
When she is finally making her way in your direction… hurl yourself down the nearest stairwell.
Once she sees that you are injured, she will forget about her desire to have personally-satisfying, naughty, mind-boggling, erotic sex with Mr. "8-Inch Penis"…and the motherly, nurturing side that dwells within every female will instinctively come out as she focuses on YOU and YOUR INJURIES instead.
…Especially if you throw yourself down the stairwell so hard that you shit your pants and bleed all over the place.
4. Travel to exotic locations like India and Nepal.
Placing yourself completely outside of your own culture will magnify your personality, provide you with a new understanding of life, and enhance your depth as an individual…especially if you pay attention to your surroundings.
5. Eat Korean kimchi to improve your health.
Korean kimchi is a miracle food. The fermented cabbage, garlic, hot peppers, and ginger found in any jar of kimchi will liven up your taste buds, protect you from cancer and obesity, and even lower your blood sugar.
However, you need to be careful. Kimchi needs to be eaten slowly and in small doses, especially if you are not used to it. Eating kimchi too fast or combining it with dairy products can cause stomach problems, cramping, diarrhea, high blood pressure, headaches, nervousness, blurred vision, problems concentrating, mood swings, alcoholism, abusive behavior, demonic possession…and appreciation for Canadian humour.
6. Forget that really cool party you weren't invited to. Stay at home instead.
When you really think about it, it's a scary world out there. You're probably better off staying at home anyway.