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Does this sound like you?

The woman of your dreams just walked out on you moments ago. You remember every word of the conversation. First, she said that she didn't love you, and that she never did. Then she informed you that she has been seeing someone else…someone who makes her happy. She was mean enough to tell you that her lover gave her the best orgasm she has ever had, and then she described the orgasm to you in intricate detail.

She explained that it felt like an eternal wave of heavenly bliss coursing through her entire body, causing her to lose complete control of herself and explode with mind-boggling pleasure. She also wanted you to know that you were the last thing on her mind while she was having this incredibly sensual and passionate experience.

Become a relationship counselor so that you can help end the foolish game that most people play with each other. Right before she stormed out and slammed the door, you could hear a car pulling up to your house. You peered out the window just in time to see her jump into a fancy, expensive Cadillac. You looked closely to see who was driving the Cadillac, and sure enough, it was your ex-girlfriend…the one who dumped you two years ago claiming that she felt confused and needed "time to think." THAT BITCH!!

You're never going to live this one down. Even if you magically get over the heartbreak (which you probably never will), everyone is going to find out what happened. Not only are you going to be emotionally damaged for life, but your dignity and your reputation are also completely destroyed. There is no way to recover from this. YOU'RE FUCKED!!!

But don't give up just yet…there are still 6 MORE ways you can make yourself cooler.

1. Spread demotivational messages to those who need comfort.

Let's face it. There are many downtrodden people out there. They are lonely, troubled, stressed out, heartbroken, and full of sadness. It is very important that these people find hope and comfort so that they can muster up the strength to keep going. But since you're completely fucked anyway, you might as well do your best to fill the Earth with gloom and negativity. And since these people are already in a weakened state of emotional depression, they will make easy targets.

Establish a website or start an thread online in which you create your own endings to the inspirational "Right Now, Somebody is Thinking of You" sentences.

You know what I mean: Right now, somebody is thinking of you….somebody wants to be with you…somebody misses you…somebody thinks the world of you….somebody wants to talk to you ….somebody wants to cry on your shoulder…blah blah blah.

I think these are more realistic:

Right now, somebody is thinking of you…but they can't get past the restraining order you placed on them.

Right now, somebody wants to be with you…but you really don't want to be with that person. Meanwhile, the person you really want to be with…doesn't want to be with you. TOUGH SHIT!

Right now, somebody misses you….because they need to borrow $50.

Right now, somebody thinks the world of you…because their world is pretty small and they really don't know any better.

Right now, somebody wants to talk to you….so they can tell you what a complete fucking asshole you are.

Right now, somebody wants to cry on your shoulder…because their therapist committed suicide, and they need a new shoulder to cry on.

Right now, somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on…because they realize that if you finally break down and "let it all out," the horrifying, disastrous, and irreversible nature of your problems are not only going to make them laugh, they're also going to make their problems pale in comparison.

Right now, somebody is listening to a song that reminds them of you…unfortunately, that song is "Dueling Banjos" from the movie Deliverance.

Right now, somebody is thinking of you and smiling….because they just fucked you over really good, and they simply can't wait to see the expression on your face when you find out.

Right now, somebody would do anything for you….so that you don't tell the police what they did last weekend.

Right now, somebody loves the way you make them feel….because your life has become so profoundly hopeless and pathetic that they actually appear successful compared to you.

Right now, somebody wants to spend time with you….because they enjoy alcohol-induced experiences that are unproductive, deviant, perverted, and extremely self-degrading, and they realize that you are the only person socially maladjusted and degenerate enough to help them find these experiences.

2. Volunteer to be a demotivational speaker at your local high school.

I'm getting rather tired of these phony motivational speakers who stroll into high schools in a useless attempt to spread hope with cutesy little phrases like, "Wherever you are, be there," "Things always get worse before they get better," and "Attitude is everything." Do they even realize what goes on inside of a high school?

Most high schools are not places of learning and growth, they are evil, industrial centers of brainwashing that represent a disgusting and gruesome amalgamation of the absolute worst of humanity.

School buildings are loaded with immature, misguided, confused, depressed, aggressive, potentially violent, hyperactive, egotistical teenagers who are placed within a pre-designed social hierarchy of doom: Nerds, Geeks, Cheerleaders, Druggies, Jocks, Goths, Popular Kids, White Trash, Gangsters, Wanna Be's, Bullies, Sluts, Slackers, Valley Girls, Preppies, Hippies, Drop outs… the list goes on and on.

They will do anything to get high (even if that involves eating shoe polish before jamming a bottle of glue up their ass and then strangling themselves to death while masturbating); they think they are entitled to everything; and worst of all, they are all fucking each other, which means that these disgusting little gargoyles are actually going to reproduce. YUCK!!

On top of that, you've got the warfare that goes on behind the scenes with teachers and school administrators. Politically corrupt, controlling, gossiping, backstabbing, greedy, manipulative social criminals who have their noses up each other's assholes as they all struggle to attain higher positions of authority in a pathetic attempt to gain power within the educational hierarchy. When you take a good look at it, they are just as bad as the students.

When it's all added together, it really is nothing more than a dysfunctional, hideous freak show full of endless nightmares…a circus of the damned.

Motivational speakers only cause more problems when they show up and try to spread messages of hope. Somebody needs to stand up on a podium and tell all of these people just how completely fucked up they are.

3. Become a relationship counselor so that you can convince couples to break up.

Now I don't know about you, but I believe that most relationships are fake…especially romantic relationships. For some reason, I get the impression that people simply use each other to fulfill their own selfish needs. Most people are nothing more than an interchangeable part of the sick machinery that keeps somebody else superficially happy. Therefore, I enjoy it when romantic relationships collapse and people become emotionally devastated as a result. It makes me feel better about myself, and I also think it's funny.

Become a relationship counselor so that you can help end the foolish game that most people play with each other. When the next couple walks into your room, let each person tell their side of the story. When they finish, look at them both very carefully and repeat the following:

"Look, I think you two need to break up. I think that as individuals, you are both completely doomed, and your continual interaction with each other will only make things worse.

MEANINGLESS + MEANINGLESS = EVEN MORE MEANINGLESS

Now please get the fuck out of my office, and for God's sake, don't have any children. You two have made things bad enough already. You should be ashamed of yourselves."

4. Use the "two cell phones" trick to hook up with women on long bus rides.

Purchase two cell phones. On one cell phone, draft and save a whole bunch of erotic messages. The next time you are sitting on a bus next to an attractive woman, keep the cell phone with the erotic messages carefully concealed in your coat pocket. Keep the other cell phone in your hand…preferably within view. When you can sense that she is becoming slightly bored with the incredibly long bus ride, start sending the erotic messages from the concealed phone to the phone you are holding in your hand. Send the messages at carefully planned intervals, and pretend to text back.

Eventually, she will notice that you seem very busy. At the right moment, accidentally drop the cell phone on the floor so that she can see one of the messages:

"OH BABY, LAST NIGHT WAS AMAZING. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD ENOUGH STAMINA TO SATISY ALL THREE OF MY FRIENDS AND I. ARE YOU COMING BACK SOON?"

After she sees the message, play dumb:

"Ooops, sorry. I dropped my cell phone. What's your name, by the way?"

5. Write poorly-constructed poetry about your hobbies.

"The Bicycle Ride"

I woke up this morning
And washed my face
Then I stepped outside
Willing to embrace…

Another day….
Shining bright and clear
With beautiful memories
That I hold so dear

The day was too lovely
To stay inside
So I decided to go
For a bicycle ride

I felt so happy and so complete
As I peddled my bicycle
Down the street
And the warmth of the sun
Made me feel so free
With blessings of hope
And endless glee

As I viewed nature's glory
I felt free as a bird
But I didn't realize
That I had run into a curb

I flew off my bike
And I hit a wall
Only scraped one of my knees…
But punctured both of my BALLS!

Ouch….

6. Keep creating your own endings to the motivational "Right now, somebody is thinking of you" sentences.

Right now, somebody is very proud of you….because you finally agreed to start taking your "special pill" every day.

Right now, somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there…but when they think about it more carefully and they recall exactly what it's like to be around you for an extended period of time, they change their mind and count their blessings…one of which is the fact that you are somewhere else.

Right now, somebody hopes you aren't in trouble…because you owe them $50 and they are going to be really upset if they don't get it back.

Right now, somebody wants to hold you in their arms….because they have an underactive thyroid gland which causes them to feel cold all the time, and since you're a giant fat ass, they realize you can keep them warm.

Right now, somebody wants you to be happy….so that they can finally stop listening to your shit.

Right now, somebody wants to give you a gift….but that gift has a rather ominous ticking sound, and you're not so sure that you want it.

Right now, somebody thinks that you ARE a gift…but they are from a foreign country and their English is undeveloped. They don't understand that "gift" and "gifted" are too different words, and they also do not realize that "gifted" and "special" mean two different things.

Right now, somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional….because you're going to be really pissed off when you find out what they just did.

Right now, somebody stayed up all night thinking about you…because whenever they think about your unreliability, your bad decisions, your narcissistic personality disorder, your general inability to produce intelligent thought, and the dull, empty (yet somehow troubling) expression that decorates your genetically-deformed face every single day, they become so consumed with inconsolable, boiling rage that they develop sleeping disorders.

Right now, somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you…because it appears that you have wasted all of theirs…once again.

Right now, somebody is alive because of you….meaning that your broken dreams, misfortunes, rejections, and continual failures in life provide them with just enough laughter to keep waking up every morning.

Right now, somebody wishes that you noticed him or her….but stalking is usually a one-way thing.

Right now, somebody will cry when they read this….because this is really bad comedy.

Right now, somebody loves you for who you are….because they have no choice. They have finally (and bitterly) accepted the fact that you simply can't offer more. I mean, really…it's you!

Right now, somebody (insert your suggestion here).

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