Still wondering whether it's worth making the trek down to the polling precinct that you may or may not even know how to get to? The answer is no, five times over.

1. The line is really long.

Seriously, I can see it from my window. It's wrapping around buildings, trees, sidewalks, overactive sprinklers, stray dogs, homeless people begging for change, annoying political activists with signs, police officers looking for a reason to arrest you, and a guy with a terrible cough who doesn't cover his mouth. He has SARS.

2. You haven't done enough research.

Sure you've seen a few ads and heard a few misguided friends spewing half-facts and regurgitating what little propaganda they can recall. But that doesn't constitute the basis for an informed decision. You don't want to go into the voting booth and make a fool out of yourself. What if somebody oversees who you voted for and knows you made the wrong decision? You'll look like an IDIOT and they'll know you probably voted that way because you're racist.

Paris Hilton with Vote or Die tshirt
Prove this bitch wrong!
3. You don't want to rock the vote.

A lot of people are into rock ‘n roll, but you're into hip-hop. Or classical. Or electronica. Once you cast a vote, you could end up rocking it. And let's face it, you're not one to rock out with your cock out. What you'd like to do is get in there, vote quietly, and leave. But that's not how it's going to go. Oh no, not this year especially. As soon as you step into that booth, you're ROCKIN', BABY! You're makin' a CHANGE and LETTING YOUR VOICE BE HEARD! You'll immediately be that annoying citizen who shoves your personal choices and opinions down everyone's throats. Worse yet, you could be to blame for the person who gets elected. Let's face it, shit always happens at some point in the next four years, and once you vote, you'll be faced with the lifelong embarrassment of either defending your candidate or apologizing for him.

4. We already know who's gonna win.

You know how when a sports team is up by a lot of points, the coach sends in the second string? Same with the election. You're a first string player in America, and this thing is already over. Let the second string Americans (USPS employees, plumbers, tax accountants, Tila Tequila, Mexicans, and tuba players) get out and finish this thing off while you relax over a few afternoon beers.

5. It's not who gets the most votes anyway.

The presidential election isn't decided by total votes (the popular vote), it's decided by this little thing called the Electoral College. The Electoral College essentially takes all the votes in a particular state, multiplies them by the total population, then divides by 4. Unless your state population is under 10 million, in which case it divides by 24, and then holds a Trivia Bowl among all your State Representatives to decide who gets all the electoral votes. It's a complicated process that the average American will never understand, and for good reason: it ignores the individual voter in favor of the states with the best colleges. For instance, Massachusetts gets 4 extra electoral votes because it is home to Harvard, the number one college in America. Conversely, states with greater than 25 community colleges are automatically deducted 2 electoral votes.

There you have it. All the reasons you were already thinking and none of the bullshit. So get out and vote, see if I care. I think we can all agree that there are enough tuba players in America to make up for your wrong choice.

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