1. You'll be able to enjoy eating again.
As we all know, eating food when you're massively hungover is never a fun experience. You stare at the plate of food in front of you wondering if you're going to throw up during or after the meal. As you're wondering this, nasty, slimy, foul-smelling beer sweat seeps endlessly out of the pours in your body, soaking your already-stained underwear and $7 Walmart t-shirt.
You struggle to take in every slow and excruciating bite of food… and then it happens. Chunky, red-colored, projectile vomit spews out of your mouth and splatters all over the dinner table, the refrigerator, the kitchen sink, the expensive curtains on the window, the ceiling, your pet cat who was peacefully taking a nap, and somehow even the television set in the next room.
You'll have more time to call the police in the middle of the night over strange noises downstairs, then apologize that it was only your cat when they arrive.When you quit drinking, however, you won't have this problem anymore. Once again you'll be able to fully enjoy your favorite meal: a cold liver and greasy pork loin sandwich topped with chicken lard, head cheese, fatty under-cooked bacon, anchovies, onions, and mayonnaise with a side dish of buttered raw fish, squid tentacles, expired gherkins, and spiced cottage cheese WITHOUT FEELING SICK.
2. You'll no longer cough up cigarettes after exercising.
Heavy drinking usually leads to chain smoking, and if you're one of those unique individuals who drinks and chain smokes on the weekends, yet still tries to exercise during the week, you know exactly what I'm talking about: you get done jogging or lifting weights in the gym, you lean over to start coughing, and about 5-10 menthol cigarettes come out, along with a small chunk of one of your lungs, and parts of your other internal organs that you cannot identify.
Of course, coughing up cigarettes is somewhat financially beneficial because you can just pick them up and smoke them again without buying another pack. But honestly, do you really want to keep doing this?
3. You'll have more time and energy to devote to socially-constructive, community-building activities such as:
- Planting really large bushes in people's front yards so that they can't see anything when they back out of their driveway.
- Calling the police in the middle of the night because you hear strange noises downstairs, then apologizing that it was only your cat when they arrive.
- Filming your own amateur pornography.
- Helping your neighbors film their amateur pornography.
- Comparing your own amateur pornography to your neighbors' amateur pornography to see whose is better.
- Recording yourself grunting, screaming, and crying while taking a massive, painful shit and then sending it to a music company so there will finally be something good on the radio.
- Jumping into a public fountain wearing nothing except a backwards jock strap so that the local newspaper will finally have an interesting story to publish.
- Joining a cult.
- Selling Girl Scout cookies.
- Running for political office.
- All of the above.
4. You'll be able to use your brain cells to write a screenplay for the ultimate romantic comedy.
He is a hopeless, incompetent, dysfunctional, cross-eyed, socially-retarded, sneezing, farting, drooling, chronic masturbator who shits his pants whenever he gets excited."
She is a neurotic, controlling, hyperactive, delusional, manic-depressive, out-of-control, drug-abusing, nymphomaniac bitch who just wants a second chance at life.
TOGETHER THEY FIND TRUE LOVE…
…but actually, now that you're completely sober and more aware of your surroundings, you realize this isn't funny at all because it accurately describes most of the couples around you.
5. You can stay home more often and dedicate yourself to intellectual pursuits.
It's Friday evening. You've had a long week at work, and you're really burned out. Your friends call you in the evening and invite you out to the most popular bar in town for an awesome party. Everyone is having a great time, the bar is offering free food, beers and other drinks are all half-price, women are running around topless and dancing on the bar tables, and everyone is planning on going to an extremely wild pool party afterwards where an unrestrained drunken orgy will take place.
But you'll have none of that. You are a serious and sober individual now, and you're going to dedicate your evening to the pursuit of knowledge by reading books such as:
"The Evolution of English Grammar: Massive Changes from 1750 to 1890"
"The Symbolic Meanings, Hidden Messages, and Secret Codes of Ancient Mythology…and Why They No Longer Matter Today"
"The Deconstruction of Modern Romance: An Extreme Feminist's Guide to Building a Utopian Society"
"The Nihilist's Counseling Guide for Couples Who Struggle to Find Meaning in Their Relationship"
"Post-Modern World Viewpoints and How They Pertain to Current Excavation Methods Utilized in the Field of Paranormal Archaeology: Everything You Wanted to Know…But Were Too Afraid to Ask"
6. You'll be able to follow directions better.
"Johnson! I need you to send an important fax for me, but you can't send it from here. You need to send it from my secret headquarters. Here is how you get there:
After you're replaced at work, you don't want to be drunk when you find out that your college degree is obsolete, and you must go to school again. "When you exit the door on the southwest side of this building, turn exactly 35 degrees east and then proceed on foot for exactly 2.75 kilometers…no more, no less. There will be a special car waiting for you there. Get in the car and drive north. After you take the first available left, begin driving at exactly 55.4 miles per hour. If you drive at exactly 55.4 miles per hour, you will reach a special road in exactly 35 minutes and 20 seconds….but that's not the road you need to be on, so keep going.
"Reduce your speed to 33.2 miles per hour and take a right in exactly 3 minutes and 15 seconds. There will be a really tall tree on the left side of the road. When you see that tree, STOP. You will then need to get out of the car and proceed east on foot for exactly 7.89 kilometers. When you reach this exact distance, turn 37 degrees west, and you will see a building. Go into that building and send the fax. It will probably be dark once you send the fax, so you will need to utilize the constellations in order to help you get back here. At exactly 9:53pm, follow the direction of Orion's Belt for 5 minutes and 43 seconds…and then turn around and go the other way."
7. Once you are fully sober, alert, and completely relaxed, you won't feel worried, threatened, or insulted when you hear statements such as the following:
- "Dave, I know we've been together for a long time, but I've been meaning to tell you something for years now. We need to have a serious discussion later on this evening when the children are gone."
- "Emily. You know how I haven't been able to get home early on Tuesday and Thursday evenings for the past 9 years because of late office work? Well…"
- "Hey Mike. I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you this. Maybe you should sit down first."
- "Katie…umm…I don't know how to find the right words to explain this, but do you remember when your sister Jill and I were gone for a really long time at that family re-union dinner party five years ago?"
- "So Frank…how are things going at home? Say, can you stop by my office a little later? We need to have a little talk."
- "Hey Ted. I know we've had our differences in the past, but I think it's about time we bury the hatchet. Say, let's go outside for a moment…there's something really neat in my car that I need to show you."
- "Hey Wes. What's that? You're having trouble thinking of something funny to send to your favorite college humor website? Have you ever thought about sending a picture of your face?"
8. You'll be more in control of your financial situation.
Now that you are sober and completely aware of your financial situation, the incredibly vast, life-long, and highly un-payable debt that you are in won't bother you as much.
Since you are no longer spending money on substances that help you relax and feel good, such as beer, liquor, and cigarettes, you will have some pocket change to spare in order to balance out your house, vehicle, medical, credit card, and tuition payments …along with divorce lawyer fees, child support, alimony, and that pesky therapist of yours who keeps wondering when you're going to pay him for all those years of psychological counseling.
After all is said and done, you may even have a dollar or two left to put in the church collection basket next Sunday.
9. Your career performance will improve…right before you get replaced.
You will be more organized, efficient, and professional once you stop drinking. In fact, you will be able to dedicate 100% of your energy to the company you work for. Yes indeed, you will be completely on top of your game when you get replaced by a recent college graduate who is much younger than you are, willing to work for less, and who has no problem working weekends just to get the company position you currently occupy.
…and after you get replaced at work, you certainly don't want to be drunk when you find out that your college degree is now obsolete, that you must go to school again, and that you will need to work part-time at your local gas station in order to help pay for it.
10. You will no longer find yourself in troubling scenarios such as the following…
You wake up. Your head is pounding like it's never pounded before. You get up to go to the kitchen to make some coffee, but then you realize that there is no kitchen because you're in a hotel room.
Very slowly, you turn around and discover that there is a very large and ugly-looking prostitute lying on the hotel bed. It doesn't really bother you that the prostitute is large and ugly…what really bothers you is that the prostitute is not breathing, has no pulse, and seems to be made out of plastic. It also doesn't help that lying next to the large, ugly, plastic prostitute is a male stripper named Steve. Much to your chagrin, you look at the floor around you and see nothing but glitter, open condom wrappers, and battery-operated dildos…some of which are still vibrating. All the evidence seems to suggest that you did something very naughty and disgusting last night.
After vomiting all over yourself, you step outside to have a cigarette. To make things even worse, you do not recognize which town you're in. You do notice, however, that half of the buildings in the surrounding area have recently burned to the ground and that some of them are actually still on fire. You can only hope that you were not responsible for that.
With your vomit-stained shirt, you stumble over to the desk clerk to try and figure out where you are. After a few moments of discussion, you learn that you are in Nevada. The only reason this bothers you is because you live in Pennsylvania.
Right as you're wondering how you possibly made it to the other side of the country, five police cars and an FBI helicopter show up. You are ordered to get down on the ground very slowly and put your hands behind your head.
The only thing you can honestly remember last night is your friend Kevin calling and inviting you out for "a beer or two."
Apparently, something went wrong after that second beer.