Salutations IRS,

There must be some kind of mistake. My tax return was accidentally marked as “fraudulent.” Enclosed, please find my 1040 Form. I was as honest as possible.

Form 1040 — U.S. Individual Income Tax Return, 2026

Your first name and middle initial: Dennis E.
Last name: Breuer
Your social security number: 555-55-5555

If joint return, spouse’s first name and middle initial: N/A (I brew my own kombucha)
Last name: N/A (again, I brew my own kombucha, so not getting a ton of action)
Spouse’s social security number: IAM-SI-NGLE

Home address (number and street): 831 Cypress Blvd.
Apt. #: 25 (top floor for courtesy, as the fumes from my SCOBY waft skyward)
City, town, or post office: Monterey
State: CA (kombucha capital of the world!)
ZIP code: 93944 (oh, SCOBY stands for “symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast”)

Filing Status
Check only one box.

Married filing jointly: □
Married filing separately: □
Head of household: □
Qualifying surviving spouse: □
Single: ☑ (on account of the fact that my apartment smells like active fermentation)

Digital Assets
At any time during 2024, did you: (a) receive (as a reward, award, or payment for property or services); or (b) sell, exchange, or otherwise dispose of a digital asset (or a financial interest in a digital asset)?

Yes: ☑ (won lifetime supply of kombucha bacterial cultures off a raffle on the dark web; quit my job, liquidated my remaining assets, dedicated myself full-time to the microbes)
No: □

Dependents
If more than four dependents, check here: ☑ (ohhh boy hope you’re sitting down)

Name: The 9 Billion Living Probiotics in My Kombucha (figure this is more efficient than filling out the form for each individual yeasty bacterium)
Social security number: N/A (although they do deserve an SSN)
Relationship to you: I am their creator. The kombucha answers only to its master. Separate me from my effervescent mushroom juice at your own peril, Uncle Sam.

Check the box if qualifies for Credit for other Dependents: ☑ (And they better stay dependent, or else we’re goners. The moment fungus decides to make us subservient, our world’s going the way of The Last of Us. And I’m less Pedro Pascal and more Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.)

Tax and Credits

Child tax credit or credit for other dependents: $450,000,000,000 (I’ll use my rebate for more black tea, granulated sugar, filters, measuring cups, and fermentation vessels.)

Sign Here
Under penalties of perjury, I declare that I have examined this return and accompanying schedules and statements, and to the best of my knowledge and belief, they are true, correct, and complete.

Dennis E. Breuer

P.S. Enclosed, find a dozen bottles of my latest batch. Drink up, Internal Revenue Service. You’ve earned it.