Deep Thoughts Quotes

Amanda: I heard that Jon Gosselin has his own cologne.
Xavier: Who would want to smell like him?
-On a potential new scent for Ed Hardy douchebags

C: You know, one of these days he's going to bring a girl upstairs. What the hell are we going to do then?
M: I ain't scared. Think of it this way: we've got four fucking staircases in this house... if he thinks of bringing a bitch home we can play chutes and fucking ladders with her!
-The best laid plans of overprotective big sisters

Chris: If god exists, I'm fucked.
Kim: ME TOO.
Chris: But then again maybe the old cunt needs us to tell him to get his holy finger out his ass and do work.
-On rude religious awakenings

Frank: Are girls turned on by handbrake turns?
Linnea: It can't just be any car. For me, it has to be a Mini Cooper.
Frank: So if some random guy does a handbrake turn in a Mini Cooper, gets out, walks up to you and says, "Yo, get in the back, let's fuck" would you?
Linnea: There wouldn't be enough space but I'd be pretty impressed.
Frank: What if Matt Ryan did a handbrake turn, got out and said, "Yo, get in the back, let's fuck"?
Linnea: Then that would totally make my day.
-On the vehicular dynamics of female impressionism

(Rent-A-Center commercial comes on)
C: Matt do you rent your center?
S: He rents the center of his center. Then he centers his center in the center of his center.
C: ....Whoa.
-Getting to the core issue

Aaron: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Kim: Sunny side up.
Finola: Unfertilized.
Kim: Oh...
-Game over

Chris: That old bearded cunt.
Kim: Who?
Chris: God, the big high almighty prick. More miracles have come out my ass, thanks to him. Next time, I'm praying to Allah.
-On finding the right fit

Andrew: Remember when you used to not think redheads were hot, and had to argue with Brian and myself about that?
Jeffrey: No. I believe we were debating specifics about a Disney princess.
Andrew: Yes, and you said redheads were not hot.
Jeffrey: That's a cartoon. Totally different.
Andrew: I'm sorry, but which color haired cartoon do you prefer? Purple?
Jeffrey: No, I remember standing in full support of Pocahontas. And I still do.
-On fairytale endings

"My parents are coming over on Tuesday. Please have clothes on."
-Deep, on minimal roommate requirements

Amanda's Mom: Why didn't you apply for that job? It pays well.
Amanda: I hear prostitution does too.
-On every mom's worst financial nightmare

PR: Dad, let's go get some chicken wings!
Dad: Ewwww...
PR: What?!
Dad: I don't want to eat chicken armpits!!
-On generational food gaps

Kaliy: It's hard for me to imagine Matt as a girl... I think it's the beard.
Matt: I have a penis if that helps... and it also has a beard.
-On sure things

Matthew: I want to play Marco Polo with her.
Kaliy: Matt! She's deaf!
Matthew: I know! That way I always win!
-On the low-hanging fruit

Frank: Remember the colony of spores?
Deep: What?
Frank: Those scones that just molded? It's behind the fridge.
Deep: It's still here? Why the hell didn't you throw it away?
Frank: Let's just keep it.
Deep: And see if it grows into a self sustained ecosystem?
Frank: Yeah, what if it becomes an advanced civilization? Or a new medicine. Dude, that would be your ticket to med school and my ticket to retirement in my 20s.
-From garbage to riches

Sam: His girlfriend is a home-wrecking skank! I loved him first! I'm going to kill her.
Caitlin: Let's go on a home-wrecking skanky girlfriend killing spree!
Sam: When we're put on trial, we're going straight to a psych ward.
Caitlin: Yeah, the "we belong together" defense isn't really strong.
Sam: I now understand why stalkers do what they do though.
-Going through the motions