Deep Thoughts Quotes

(Rent-A-Center commercial comes on)
C: Matt do you rent your center?
S: He rents the center of his center. Then he centers his center in the center of his center.
C: ....Whoa.
-Getting to the core issue

Aaron: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Kim: Sunny side up.
Finola: Unfertilized.
Kim: Oh...
-Game over

Chris: That old bearded cunt.
Kim: Who?
Chris: God, the big high almighty prick. More miracles have come out my ass, thanks to him. Next time, I'm praying to Allah.
-On finding the right fit

Andrew: Remember when you used to not think redheads were hot, and had to argue with Brian and myself about that?
Jeffrey: No. I believe we were debating specifics about a Disney princess.
Andrew: Yes, and you said redheads were not hot.
Jeffrey: That's a cartoon. Totally different.
Andrew: I'm sorry, but which color haired cartoon do you prefer? Purple?
Jeffrey: No, I remember standing in full support of Pocahontas. And I still do.
-On fairytale endings

"My parents are coming over on Tuesday. Please have clothes on."
-Deep, on minimal roommate requirements

Amanda's Mom: Why didn't you apply for that job? It pays well.
Amanda: I hear prostitution does too.
-On every mom's worst financial nightmare

PR: Dad, let's go get some chicken wings!
Dad: Ewwww...
PR: What?!
Dad: I don't want to eat chicken armpits!!
-On generational food gaps

Kaliy: It's hard for me to imagine Matt as a girl... I think it's the beard.
Matt: I have a penis if that helps... and it also has a beard.
-On sure things

Matthew: I want to play Marco Polo with her.
Kaliy: Matt! She's deaf!
Matthew: I know! That way I always win!
-On the low-hanging fruit

Frank: Remember the colony of spores?
Deep: What?
Frank: Those scones that just molded? It's behind the fridge.
Deep: It's still here? Why the hell didn't you throw it away?
Frank: Let's just keep it.
Deep: And see if it grows into a self sustained ecosystem?
Frank: Yeah, what if it becomes an advanced civilization? Or a new medicine. Dude, that would be your ticket to med school and my ticket to retirement in my 20s.
-From garbage to riches

Sam: His girlfriend is a home-wrecking skank! I loved him first! I'm going to kill her.
Caitlin: Let's go on a home-wrecking skanky girlfriend killing spree!
Sam: When we're put on trial, we're going straight to a psych ward.
Caitlin: Yeah, the "we belong together" defense isn't really strong.
Sam: I now understand why stalkers do what they do though.
-Going through the motions

Molly: It just sucks, you know? I know he's not right for me and it's good that I ended it. But it's still hard.
Andrea: I know, but don't worry. You'll meet someone else and he'll hurt you way more than Emory ever did.
Molly: Thanks. You're really making me feel better right now.
Andrea: Seriously, though! This is nothing! He's not even worth getting upset over because someone else will make you feel sooo much worse.
-On breakup perspective

Courtney: Adam got married today.
Annie: Send them an edible arrangement.
(2 months later)
Courtney: Adam's new wife is prego.
Annie: Send them an edible arrangement.
-On new codes for "get over it"

Reuben: Frank, are both your parents Asian?
Deep: Dude, does he look like a mix to you? He's a pure homogeneous Asian.
Reuben: Well, no, there's mixed Asians too.
Frank: I'm a 100% Asian. Both my parents are Chinese and my grandparents are Chinese. I tend to disguise this fact with my fluent English, extensive knowledge in football, and really long hair.
Deep: And death metal. Nobody listens to death metal other than white people.
-On looks, deceiving and otherwise

Frank: You're in an all-girl rez?
Joy: Yep.
Frank: Okay. Are male fantasies of all-girl rez true?
Joy: What? No, there's no naked pillow fights.
Frank: So naked pillow fights in honey pits?
-On the sticky naughty bits