Deep Thoughts Quotes

Dion: Don't shit where you eat.
Jeff: They say don't shit where you eat, but women shit dangerously close to where we eat.
-On the annals of intelligent design

Pastor Short, Campus Crusader: I don't think you're trying hard enough. Would you rather go out, get drunk, and get laid on Saturday night, or go to church on Sunday morning?
Jeff: Whether or not I get laid on Saturday night determines if I need to go to church on Sunday.
Pastor Short: Really?
-On religious forthcomings

Nina: I could never understand someone robbing an old lady.
Ryan: It's just work, ya know? They have completely different faces, I learned that back when I used to prostitute.
Nina: ...What? You were a prostitute?
Ryan: Yeah, I used to be a prostitute but it was like 5 years ago.
Nina: Umm... so let me get this straight, you were a 15-year-old male prostitute... used to be.
Ryan: Yeah.
Nina: How?
Ryan: I used to finger middle schoolers for like 4 bucks a pop, 6 for fat chicks. And it was a high traffic business too, I had at least 3 regular customers... monthly.

"I don't make sense. I make love."
-Paul, campaigning on the confusion tip

"I can't hang out with Steve any more. Seeing him with his kid almost makes me think of him as human."
-T, on reputation killers

Eric: This is a game store right?
GameStop Guy: Uhhhh, yeah.
Eric: Well how about this. How about I buy a bunch of games, but instead of paying you in money, I pay you in tales of adventure.
GameStop Guy: Uhh....... No, sorry can't do it.
Eric: But you thought about it. I'm gonna count that as a win.
-On successful mind games

"I had the broest moment ever with Sexel and Tyler. Some girl told me to put my pants on and they weren't even off, so I pulled them off and told her to deal with it. Then I looked behind me and Sexel and Tyler had their pants off so I was like, 'What are you guys doing?' And they said, 'Solidarity man, we're not letting you stand alone.' They're true bros, man."
-Frank, on down-ass friends

"I love eating. If I had an infinite amount of food in the world, it'd be finite by now."
-Mikey, on anorexics

"What the fuck? This morning, I was told that I knocked out several people in the mosh pit and got too grabby with some girls last night. This afternoon, four people requested my Facebook friendship. What are you trying to tell me universe?"
-Frank, on the give and take

"I should have given you something useful for Christmas...like prayer...or a hammock."
-Jerica, confronting Ryan's lifestyle either religiously or relaxingly

Frank: Dude, Daniel Craig might be bisexual.
Giles: How do you know?
Frank: According to some tabloids, he was seen in a gay bar making out with a dude.
Giles: So wouldn't he be gay?
Frank: Well he's been married and he has kids so he probably likes vagina too. But do you know what this means? We have a chance with James Bond!
-On the upside to the flipside

"Is The Wizard of Oz a highly symbolic story about the intricate details of late 19th Century Industrial Politics, changing monetary standards, and the Populist Movement, or is it a story that symbolizes the imminent de-virginization of Dorothy?"
-Wes, on intimate movie knowledge

"Facebook doesn't know why you can't find a decent guy in your town who won't cheat, why God has spared your life but taken the life of your 98-year-old grandfather, or where your phone is."
-Jerica, on the limits of technology

Erik: Who would win in a fight, Rainbow Dash or Starscream?
Caroline: Are you really asking me this?
Erik: Did Obama face the nation by killing Osama Bin Laden?
Caroline: ...I'm not exactly sure what you're saying here.
Erik: Well?
Caroline: ...Rainbow Dash, definitely.
Gibbs: Thank you!
-On a world at odds

Lakeisha: Don't try to understand my logic.
Hannah: But I have to figure out how you think.
Lakeisha: I just want to be an old lady that lives in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. And I want chicks and six cats.
Hannah: Chicks? Like baby chickens?
Lakeisha: Yup. And firefighter boots.
Hannah: ...nevermind. I won't try to understand you.
-Preparing a psychology project on how people make life goals