Deep Thoughts Quotes

"This is the original point-and-click user interface."
-Snake, while examining his new Smith & Wesson

Brian: I hate being Irish. The Irish are very hairy people. It must be so cold in Ireland that hair has to grow everywhere for your body to stay warm.
Jeff: I just don't understand why my asshole has to be warm.
-On no hole unturned

"Yeah I hit puberty once, and my balls got cool."
-Mike, on growing up

"I'd set him on fire, but he'd probably be too lazy to burn."
-Chris, on his potentially flame-retarded co-worker

"I like boobies. Well, not mine...or anyone else's, but the concept is nice."
-Caiti, on theoretical jug appreciation

"That girl is nothing but a life-support system for a vagina."
-Chris, on his girlfriend's slutty friend

Host: If you could be one person for a day who would you be?
Burns: Jesus... because... well, I like sandals.
-On foot envy

"I've cheered too much. It's lost all meaning to me."
-Morgan, after being an extra in a parade scene all day

"I wonder if a snail has ever woken up in his shell and got stuck, then thought 'uh-oh.'"
-Michelle, deep in thought

Joy: I don't get it, I should be good at this, I'm good at tennis.
Frank: Joy, tennis and golf don't have much in common.
Joy: Yes they do. They both have a racket that's an extension of your hand.
Frank: First of all, it's called a club in golf and secondly, by that logic, that's like saying my penis is a racket.
-On skill by association

"If they take out 'one nation under God' in the pledge, I think they should change it to 'one nation under Canada, above Mexico.'"
-Dan, on a location-based Pledge of Allegiance

"It is a dangerous road. We don't want our relationship to go down that way. It's like in Finding Nemo, when they had to swim between the cliffs because there were jellyfish on top. It is like that road, we don't know what is there. And we wouldn't have any nice turtles to show us the way. Or sharks. Or whales.... What are those fish called that whales eat?"
-Shaan, attempting to have a serious talk with his girlfriend

"The four years you spend at LIM will lead you down a long and fulfilling path...of drug addiction, alcoholism and nymphomania."
-Dameian, after sitting through an ungodly long orientation meeting

Eric: Remember the ole' Irish saying, "Dance with the girl you brought."
Henri: But what if she says no... again?
Eric: Then revert to the oler' Irish saying, "Smack her."
-On backup wisdom

Chris: Honey, don't worry. Erica will eventually have her baby. It'll come out when it's ready to.
Joe: That's what I say when I take a shit.
-On holding back the beast