Friday, March 7

"Now, there's a heaven, and I have heard it described as infinite bliss and all that, but my favorite saying for heaven is the eternal orgasm. I mean if that doesn't get you to believe in God, I really don't think anything else will."
-Professor Dave, on nirvana
Regis University

"'Me encantaría, encantaría, encantaría hablar con mi coneja. Es uno de mis sueZos porque mi conejita es un ángel. Entonces estoy muy frustrada.' Translation: 'I would love, love, love to talk with my bunny. It's one of my dreams because my bunny is an angel. So I'm very frustrated.'"
-Professor Nunci, on creepy examples
Seattle University

Michelle: Yeah, you did wait a while to have a kid!
Zak: 'Cause I wanted to wait until I found someone I'd be with. But our good ol' friend had to go and fuck that plan up.
-Zak, on his nutter of a baby mama
University of Washington

"It looks like a hippy exploded in here."
-Celia, on entering a bathroom where someone puked in the toilet and didn't flush
Fairleigh Dickinson University

Kira: So you going out tonight?
Wade: No. Normally I just go home and cry myself to sleep.
Courtney: That's so sad!
Wade: Or I bathe. And I sit in the bathtub and cry.
Courtney: Do you light candles?
Wade: Yes.
Courtney: And put on soothing music?
Wade: Yes.
Courtney: And sometimes you read fictional novels, but often you find yourself relating way too much with the characters and it just makes you cry harder?
*Awkward silence*
Wade: No....
-I think she was joking...I think...
California State Long Beach

Aileen: So, we were talking about my dreams--I mean, not for the future, but my dreams at night.
Molly: I figured. Because, what dreams do you have?
-In the future, of course
Seattle University

Jessica: He broke up with me on instant messenger.
Mary Beth: I'm sorry...
Andrea: Jesus...
Erika: I'm getting my gun...
-Most people console others with words, some prefer violence
Fairleigh Dickinson University

Thursday, March 6

Megan's older co-worker: And what exactly are you celebrating tonight?
Megan: The fifth of May silly! By the way I might be late tomorrow.
-Taking in March 5th to the fullest
Western Michigan University

Officer Landrum: What's your address?
Allyson (talking really fast): 1270--
Officer Landrum: Slow down so I can write it down.
Allyson: NO, write faster!
-Hall-o-scream '07, after getting kicked out for a little "disagreement"

"I would only fuck a fat chick if she was hot!"
-Cameron, trying to reason his way out of liking fat chicks
University of Waterloo

"How the hell can these commercial paper companies call their toilet paper 'ultra smooth'? First off, the word 'ultra' really worries me when talking about toilet paper. Second, my ass is bleeding..."
-Brandon, when the true problem presents itself
University of North Texas

"Come on you guys! This is John Philip Sousa! He's an American! This is an American March! We aren't FRENCH!! We aren't a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys!!! PLAY IT LIKE YOU'RE AMERICAN!!"
-Conductor Greg Flores, on how Sousa meant it to be played
California State Long Beach

“I need a moment. Draw on your desks or something.”
-Professor Cottle, on alone time
University of Wisconsin-Whitewater

James: How does Freddy Kruger wipe his ass?
Brandon: I don’t know, but it can’t be as bad as that damn toilet paper from earlier.
-On lasting impressions
University of North Texas

Lauren: She turned black.
Steff: Bitch!
Lauren: She's wearing wings.
Steff: Where did she get the sun from?!
Lauren: Who the fuck knows what she's up to...
-Reading too far into Yahoo avatars
University of Phoenix