Thursday, January 31

Attention students, today's guest lecturer is Professor Simone from the University of British Columbia. Please show him the appropriate amount of respect, for better or worse.

"I think everything is a conspiracy, because it is."
-Telling it like it is

"Marijuana smokers aren't a problem. They're just mellow! They're not fighting or beating their wives, they're not losing their jobs. These are happy people!"
-Choosing pot over booze

"If you're poor, you must be skinny. No! You're fat. Well, unless you're a heroin addict, but there's not a lot of those. TV is wrong about that."
-Dishing out reality, not TV

"Where's the KFC around here? What's wrong with you people? And Church's, I haven't seen a Church's here, but they're all over the place in my neighborhood. What do you guys eat?"
-Lamenting a lack of chicken

"Doesn't anyone take the bus for environmental reasons? No, I'll bet you all dream of nice jobs that will pay for SUVs with giant cup holders to fit your Big Gulps. Come on people! You're students! Love the environment!"
-Encouraging the granola mind-set

"I say 'here's your deadline', and barring blood pouring from every orifice, that's when I want the damn thing."
-On acceptable excuses

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, which also applies to this seminar."
-Sounds like my kind of seminar

"Oh, sure you've all worked--you've waited tables and planted trees, but those aren't real jobs."
-Giving advice for the internship applicants

Wednesday, January 30

Megan: I got scratched by a kangaroo! See?
Alex: If you get scratched by a kangaroo, do you turn into one on the next full moon?
Megan: Yes.
Shelley: Can I ride in your pouch?
-The upside of having freakish friends
University of Oklahoma

Molly: Maybe I’ll give anorexia a shot. It's cheaper than Weight Watchers because, hey, I wouldn't have to buy food.
Leeny: I can't argue with that logic.
Molly: It's flawless, apart from your insides eating themselves and ending in a slow, painful, and unsatisfying death.
Leeny: Yeah, there's always a catch.
-On second thoughts
Seattle University

Kim: What are you giving up for Lent?
Yuri: Sperm.
-Lent, the season for giving
University of the West Indies

Tara: I like the way your tears taste, how can I make you cry more? ...Oh God, that is so creepy. It's like when my uncle used to pull me in close and whisper in my ear, "You're so special."
Everyone: Wow....
-Self-awareness is a good thing
Regis University

"See, it's for things like this that I need a car. Or, better yet, an air-conditioned bicycle."
-Ari, on alternative transportation
University of the West Indies

Amber: Okay, so do you like Led Zeppelin?
Brandon: Okay straight up - if you are alive and DON'T like Led Zeppelin, you should just end your life 'cause you're going to hell anyway.
-There's only one stairway to heaven
University of Florida

"I wouldn't do hallucinogenic drugs. I'm too afraid I'd see clowns."
-Shelley, on her anti-drug
University of Oklahoma

"In order to write good fiction, you have to observe people. When some of ya'll are down at Mardi Gras, you have to drink people in. And no, I don't mean like you drink at the bar."
-Professor Keys, subtly affirming that all good writing takes alcohol
Southern Methodist University

Tuesday, January 29

Alisha: She said he fucked the shit out of her, then she kicked him out so she could
throw up in a drawer.
Cari: Now that's motion sickness at its finest.
-On indoor uses for Dramamine
Buena Vista University

Matt: Umm, I forget, does pain hurt or not?
George: Umm...yeah it kind of does.
Matt: Oh...I could've forgot.
George: You're stupid.
Matt: No, I'm just high.
-Someone please smack him
Mount Royal College

"Hazing, for example. Someone ties you down and pours a bottle of Jack Daniels down your throat. If you live... you're an SAE. If you die, you're a dead SAE and there's gonna be some court involved."
-Professor H, on involuntary intoxication
Southern Methodist University

"Guys, don't judge me, but I am going to have to search for pictures of an erect elephant penis on Google later."
-Matt, on early preparations during a conversation about the largest animal penis
Calvin College

Steven: We're gonna get you to talk to a girl tonight.
Brenton: You know I can never talk to girls.
Steven: Hey let's find a girl and have a threesome...and then totally neglect her.
-How to boost your friend's confidence
University of Southern California

"When you're not smoking, ya gotta drink more."
-Professor H, reaffirming that quitting is a bitch
Southern Methodist University

Jes: Maybe it'll be easier now that I'm older and I'm making more friends. And I'm focusing more on wholesome activities like writing porn!
Rei: Well... It could be an ice breaker? "So... I've been writing porn..."
Jes: More like, "So... I've been writing gay porn about football players..."
Rei: Um...
-Meeting the neighbors
Tarrant County College

Monday, January 28

Sarah: Wow I just sneezed so hard I felt my tampon pop out of my vagina!
Josh: Well don’t sneeze again I don’t want anything else popping out.
-God bless you
University of Albany

Mary: Oh my god, the sunlight hurts my eyes!
Kaitlyn: I'm good... I was actually sober last night.
Mary: You slut!
-On reasonable assumptions
College of William & Mary

"Great, I'm a half-naked cowboy!!"
-Amanda, as heard from the other room playing Rock Band
Rochester Institute of Technology

"You can't get a tattoo! You have necrophilia!"
-Pri, referring to keloids
University of the West Indies

Kaela: Oh my god, it sinks right down into it. Look...
Yeshua: Eww.
Kaela: I want to have sex with it, but I don't have a penis.
-Yearning for more from a Bosco Stick (a breadstick with cheese in it)
Winona State University

L: What do I get out of this?
M: What do you want?
L: Your soul?
M: I already gave it to the devil.
L: I blew him. He gave it back.
-If the price is right...
Southern Methodist University

"He was convicted of death and sentenced to murder.... wait, that's not right."
-Professor Mendes, on impossibility
University of the West Indies

"I wish every time I laid down, a midget would get on my back and massage me."
-Lauren, don't we all
Georgia Southern University

Jacquie: Mike, I know when someone sets something on fire it's called arson, but what is it when they just blow it up?
Mike: ...That's called terrorism.
-The joys of working at Guest Services
Florida State University