Thursday, January 3

Once again, we turn it over to Professor Widlan of Seattle University for a proper schooling:

"By the way, can I just tell you that if the Seahawks go to the Super Bowl, I will be devastated, on a level you can’t even believe. It’ll be more devastating than all my four divorces put together."
-On the whole adding up to more than the sum of the parts

"You’ll start participating more because you don’t want the brutal exam, which of course I’m concocting in my laboratory right now."
-On secret experiments

"All these famous psychologists with their dogs: Pavlov, Widlan…"
-On self-promotion

"You’d be surprised how many people want to poison me. But forgetting about my enemies, both real and imagined…"
-On the dark side

"I truly only had an 8-pound Chihuahua, but I made him a 200-pound Great Dane because I knew it would make the story!"
-On key embellishment

"I wrote a whole autobiography in the last three weeks. It’s only one page long. Actually, it’s only three words: Get. Over. It."
-On self-importance

"My people age very well, just from wandering the desert for so long."
-On graceful lines

"I got rehired! Woohoo!"
-On past indiscretions

"These giraffes came right up to us! It was fantastic! I exclaimed!"
-On new friends

"I might burst into tears. You guys would love that."
-On crowd pleasers

"I should probably take the child’s dose because I’m such a petite young man. I’m so petite and frail."
-Accepting the aging process

Wednesday, January 2

Megan's Mom: Matt you can get more blankets from Megan's room if you get cold in the night, and if you tired you can crawl in bed with me.
Matt: I'll pass.
Megan: Wait, was that to me or Matt?
Megan's Mom: You, and how did the floor get wet?
Megan: Spilled some water.
Megan's Mom: I don't want you peeing on the carpet. Let her outside if she has to go.
Matt: Are you talking about Megan or the dog?
-A good start to the New Year
Utica College

"People always say Catholics are alcoholics.... Shit, they're even almost spelled the same."
-Kucz, on vague drinking ruminations
University of Akron

"Once you get to college, life gets pretty easy. The professors pretend they're teaching, and you pretend you're studying."
-Physics professor, on the good life
Oakland University

"At 21 you're on top of the scrap heap, at 16 you were top of the class. All they taught you at school was how to be a good worker. The system has failed you, don't fail yourself."
-Billy, on self-reliance
Utica College

Kat: What's on your mind?
Brandon: Mountain Beavers...
-On interrupted thoughts
Fullerton Community College

Kat: This is random, but in a fight to the death, who would win, Care Bears or Curious George?
Brandon: Care Bears.
Kat: How do you figure?
Brandon: Power in numbers, plus CG doesn't have the focus to plan an attack to take 'em all out.
-Perhaps some Adderall is in order?
Fullerton Community College

"So, is a forbidden love the kind of love between a gym teacher and a freshman cheerleader?"
-Jeff, while watching Eastern Promises
University of Utah

Molly: How many people does it take to write a quote?
Aileen: Well....there’s one... two... of us. Two!
Molly: Two! Two! Two is the answer... I think?
-High and quoting
Seattle University

Tuesday, January 1

Megan: Want to watch the ball drop with Dick Clark?
Jim: I'd love to drop my balls on you for New Year's...
-On New Year's Eve party suggestions for two
Texas A&M University

Ahmed: You need to work at someone's corporate office.
Katie: I'll work at your corporate office, if you know what I mean.
Ahmed: I do in fact, I will set up your "interview" soon. By interview I mean hardcore sex. Get it? That was me implying that through the word "interview." I'm very subtle.
Mike: Women are not people, they are things put here by our Lord Jesus Christ for men's entertainment.
Katie: Who wants a sandwich?
-Point in case
Iowa State University

"Oh sure, blame the naked one."
-David, in the hot tub
Del Mar College

Nikki: Jeff! That's such a bad idea to smoke! You're gonna be so unhealthy!
Jeff: It's gonna help me lose weight, I'm gonna get so skinny!
Nikki: You're gonna look like a corpse.
Jeff: A smoking corpse!
-A hot body is a hot body after all
University of Utah

Nick: Do fish eat water?
Ray: Yes of course they do!
Nick: ...Really?
(30 seconds of silence)
Ray: ...I ...I don't know.
-Thanks Wikipedia
University of Nebraska

Devin: I'm scared, I think someone is knocking on the door. AHHHHHHH!
Zack: Go check it.
Devin: No! I'm scared, who knows what it could be!
(5 minutes later)
Devin: You know what I just realized, the fucking knocking was my food and I forgot and totally just ignored them.... I'm a fucking idiot.
-It's all in the delivery
University of Akron

David: Hotel towel theft happens allll the time. You'd be surprised.
Hillary: Jeez, what's wrong with the world?
David: "What isn't wrong with the world" would be a better question.
Hillary: Me! Ahahaha.
-Finding the anti-flaws
Del Mar College