Wednesday, February 20

"So it turns out my heater wasn't working because a squirrel got caught in it.... Apparently squirrels expand when heated."
-Ben, on logical explanations
College of William and Mary

Elle: I've been freaking cockblocked all night!
Kev: But you don't have a cock.
Elle: Well I want one!
-Elle, drunk and trying to figure out what it is exactly she wants in life
University of South Carolina

"Target hardening. ...That has a lot of innuendos, but we won't go there."
-Professor H, on preventing crimes by increasing their difficulty
Southern Methodist University

"Are there even any Mexicans in the US?"
-Cooper, asking a serious question while discussing the name change of Beaner's Coffee
Western Michigan University

"You know who is scary? Those white supremacists. If I was ever in the ring and they gave me the option between a Mexican gangster and a white supremacists without a doubt in my mind I would be like, 'Yes I'll take the brown one because the Nazi is going to eat me.'"
-Christian, on real fears
Regis University

Erinrae (talking to Ricky on speakerphone): Hey don't lock my door on the way out.
Ricky: I wasn't going to. It wasn't locked when I got here.
Scott: What the hell kinda friend are you?
-Damned if he do, damned if he don't
Kansas State University

“A crack house is always a nuisance. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a really nice neighborhood.”
-Professor A, who apparently doesn’t know any polite crackheads
Stetson University, College of Law

Monday, February 18

"Life is tough, but life is tougher if you're stupid."
-Professor Moudrianakis, explaining how the grading curve is set
Johns Hopkins University

Kaitlyn: Sorry, Carm, I don't do sloppy seconds.
Carmen: I'm never sloppy.
Kaitlyn: Well, I'm never second.
-Emphasizing minimum standards
College of William & Mary

Bill: Why would you want your first time to be amazing?
Debbie: So I don't regret it.
Bill: Then everything else would be disappointing...
Debbie: Who cares? At least I won't regret the first time.
Bill: Wouldn't you want all to be good, not just one? You could go out with me, cheat on me, then we do it. I'd be totally cool with that.
Debbie: Why would you want that?
Bill: As long as my significant other wasn't in love with the guy, or got an STD or pregnant, I would know that I'd need to better myself in bed. I view everything as a learning experience.
Debbie: I'm not going to have sex with you.
Bill: FUCK!
-Bill will never get laid
University of Pennsylvania

(Dee is playing with her tongue ring while bored at work)
Tonna: If you keep playing with that, it's gonna get bigger.
Dee: That's what he said.
Tonna: No no no! I meant the hole!
Dee: Oh, then that's what she said.
Tonna: I didn't mean it like that, either!
-Misunderstanding much?
South College

"Coming orally in a toilet is just a fancy way of saying 'throwing up.'"
-Jeff, on irregular terms
University of Utah

Mitch: Is it too early for a Northern Illinois joke?
*Silence*
Mitch: God, that died faster than Heath Ledger.
-Settling for second best

Jimmy: Dude, give me three tries and I will land a 360 flip out there.
Winky: What will you give us if you don't?
Jimmy: I will fucking... pee on you.
Winky: Ooh, I like that.
-Winky, talking about a Mustang and not realizing what they were talking about
Western Washington University

Amanda: Oh shit!
Professor: What? Your grade wasn't that bad.
Amanda: No. I threw a pen in my eye.
-On the real problem
University of New England