Monday, September 10

Shannon: Why didn't you go to class today?
Jessica: I don't give in to peer pressure.
Shannon: What..?
Jessica: Just because everyone else goes doesn't mean I have to!
-On new ways to be a leader
St. Paul's College

Adam: I was so mad that I lost that ball. It was a good ball!
Katie: What was so good about it?
Adam: It had your initials on it.
Katie: What? Why?
Adam: I always write your name on my balls!
-On golfing techniques
Valparaiso University

"When you get to the part where Augustine converts to Christianity, you'll see he suffered a nervous breakdown. Now, if you don't know what that is, you'll know around...mid-November, early December. You'll diagnose yourself and self-medicate with blue cans with red maples leaves on them. Take as needed."
-Professor T, advocating the medicinal benefits of Labatt Blue
Nazareth College of Rochester

K Si: Do you know what gay chicken is...?
Stace: Ye–
Charlie (sliding around the kitchen counter): I WANT GAY CHICKEN!!!!!
-Charlie, fat AND gay?
Joliet Junior College

S: J, girl, it's your turn.
J: I'm thinking...
-Apparently getting high before you learn how to play 7's isn't the best idea
Northern Illinois University

GK: I'm bored. Want to see something awesome?
John: Why not?
(Random girl walks up)
GK: Hola. Como estas? That means, "Hey, how ya doin?"
(Girl walks off)
GK: And that is why Friends sucks even in Spanish.
-GK, eternally ready to choose the least obvious reason for anything
Oakland City University

"We should have got two pizzas. One for now, and one for now."
-Zak, on the night they finished the beer wall
Santa Rosa Junior College

Leeny: How was your day?
Molly: I just walked in the door! Get off my case, woman!
Leeny: Sorry, I didn’t mean to smother you, honey.
Molly: Yeah, next time let me get a fucking beer first.
Leeny: Follow me to the bedroom and I’ll smother you in honey. ... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Molly: ...I’ll get the beer later.
-Assuming the position... of husband and wife
Seattle University

Police Officer: Do you have any mechanical problems with your vehicle or any medical conditions that would effect your field sobriety tests?
Ben: How the fuck should I know? I'm neither a mechanic or a doctor!
-How not to get out of a DUI
Western Iowa Tech Community College

Frank: Hey, we outnumber you 2-1 here, gwei-lo.
Steve: So? I call in the Americans. They win every war.
Frank: Bullshit. The Americans put one bullet in every single Chinese and they'd be completely out of ammunition and we'd still have a massive army.
Steve: That's why they use bombs.
Frank: Damn you.
-Argument between the Chinese and the Canadian
Elysium University

Friday, September 7

"I'm only gonna get butt-fucked once in my entire life. If I do it more than that, it will mess up my colonoscopy...and I care about that shit. That is the wrong hole."
-Megan, drunk, on the downside of anal sex
Texas State University

Catherine's Dad: What are you up to tonight?
Catherine: Drinking mojitos and margaritas at Katie's.
Catherine's Dad: Avoid the margaritas. They always made your mother horny.
-Crossing the family information line
University of Wisconsin-Madison

"It has to do with sugar content, starch content, some crap I don't care about."
-Professor Cooper, apparently they won't be tested on it
Michigan State University

Professor Field: So what does that mean?
Trevor: She can go straight to heaven?
Professor Field: Yes! Do not pass go, do not collect 2,000 years of Purgatory!
-On plenary indulgences
Indiana University

Kabs: Why do we have the same number of balls?
Frank: I dunno. Maybe because God created all men equal?
-Playing pool
Elysium University

"Everyone makes it out that Jesus was this nice guy. Nice guys don't get crucified! Jesus.... Jesus was a weird guy."
-Professor Braum, on religious truths
Regis University

A: Wait, I'm confused. Am I an alto or a second soprano?
Professor: You're both. You'll be singing in both sections.
A: I'm bisectional!
-During choir orientation
Concordia University

Jill: So no one's called my phone in like four days now.
Jill's Mom: Wow, you must be really popular.
Jill: Are you trying to make me suicidal or what??
-On that rare mother-daughter sarcasm
University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire

"Rehab sounds really awesome right now."
-Paul, on guilty pleasures
University of Wisconsin, Stevens Point

Thursday, September 6

Daniel: I can't believe you let me in! I'm wasted!!
Bouncer: (Gives a look)
Daniel: Okay, I'm leaving.
-Daniel, smooth talking his way out of it (literally)
Texas State University

Steff: I'm like Gorilla Glue.
Doo: How about we stick to Krazy Glue for that analogy?
Steff: Hahaaha, but Gorilla Glue is stronger!
Doo: True, but I'd rather my BFFL be krazy then a gorilla.
-On the emphasis of the L in BFFL
Ramapo College of NJ

"...and then I have to go home and bang my head against Science."
-Lissa, fighting the losing battle
University of Oklahoma

Professor Portner: Do you want to have stupid children?
Brandon: Not for a long time...
-On the state of movies and youth
Lyndon State College

"They used to say she was a dime girl. Of course, it meant she had everything they wanted... though, I'm sure some use it like you use it with Rachel. It didn't mean a total whore back then."
-Professor A, giving a lecture
Anne Arundel Community College

Shannon: Knock knock.
Jessica: Who's there?
Shannon: Orange.
Jessica: ...I don't get it.
-Jumping the gun on knock knock jokes while stoned at 2am
St. Paul's College

"If you grill that tuna too much then it'll be like killing Jesus all over again."
-Ryan, on the consequences of your actions
Regis University

L: Once you pull that thing out of your ass it feels amazing!
K: What!?
-On K's anal-retentive sister and the "thing" up her ass
College of Charleston

Matt: Who the hell is Bridget?
Danny: Bridget the midget?
Ryan: DUDE, we saw one yesterday taking a walk!
Reeber: Yeah, its so wei--
Danny (interrupting): Did ya catch it?
-On the capture of mythical creatures
North Dakota State University

"Presumably, around the Holocaust, if I turned in a Jew, I'd be rewarded with -- say, a gold star. ...Well, maybe not a gold star, that would get me into some trouble..."
-Professor Ray, on WWII history and ethics
Central College of Iowa