Tuesday, September 25

Mike: When do you know it's time to clean the house and wash the dishes?
Jess: When?
Mike: Look in your pants, if you see a penis, never.
-Delegating household duties
Berea College

Cor: What? Are you kidding me? The Sens always choke at the end.
Kor: You know what? YOUR MOM always chokes at the end!
-Finally, a successful "your mom" statement
Wilfrid Laurier University

"If you ate a Smurf's house you would see Jesus!"
-Professor Rubino, on the species of fungi used to house the Smurfs
Hanover College

"Yeah, I used to think he was cute...back when I was young and senile!"
-Taylor, obviously confused
Armstrong University

Corbin: I think I just took a shit in the pool.
Chris: You DO know that we're in your room right?
Jake (from the other room): WHO THE FUCK SHAT ON MY BED?!
-On brown misunderstandings
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

Jesse: I really like having sex with you, I mean I've had sex with A LOT of other girls.
Kira: Excuse me?
Jesse: I mean of all the girls I slept with... err...uhm...
Kira: Keep digging that hole.
Jesse: I really like you and all I'm saying is I've had a lot of sex and I like it most with you.
Kira: You were almost out of the hole, too.
-Digging into the hole for the first and possibly last time
Cuyahoga Community College

Professor: Does anyone know who the patron saint of Mexico is?
Justin: Mother Teresa?
Professor: I want to die! Mother Teresa has nothing to do with Latin America. You are totally, totally wrong!
-On appropriate class demoralization
University of Memphis

Professor: They were building the Tower of Babel up to heaven. Why? It was a symbol of power.
Chris: I think they were just compensating.
Travis: Same thing, idiot.
-Old Testament I steers off course once again
Oakland City University

Sara: So what are your thoughts on the dinosaurs?
Professor: Hmm... They had their chance and they died. Now my car can run because of them. I just wish they hadn't all lived in the Middle East.
-So, obviously not a creationist
Oakland City University

Julia: Car, I can't believe you bought Old Spice!
Carli: Why, doesn't it smell good? You're the one who told me I smelled like sausages, so I bought the most potent looking one there was.
Julia: Yes... it smells too good... and now I really wish that you had a sausage.
-On familiar smells
Dickinson College

Monday, September 24

Kelsey: Guys, I think I'm prego.
Sarah: You know what Kelsey!? We're gonna put Velcro between your knees, and every time you hear "chhh" that means you need to stop and think, whore.
-On the sound of sluttery
Western Illinois University

"Do not touch without my express permission or I will beat you until cheesecake comes out."
-Written on a note stuck to the cheesecake in the fridge
Concordia University

"Does anybody know? Come on Danny...I NEED A MAN!!!"
-Professor Adams, the male professor, to the only male student in the class
Pace University

Claire: When you say you want us to get our money's worth...I'm sorry, but that reminds me of what prostitutes say.
Professor Frau Diewald: I never said that when *I* was a prostitute...
-On previous occupations, during German 101
University of Montevallo

Andy: What, the fuck, is that.
Justin: Devil Dog. Chili-cheese dog wrapped in bacon topped with onions. Deep fried.
Andy: Oh God why would they deep fry that??
Justin: They didn't, I requested it to be. Now leave me alone, I have some dying to do.
-Improving the cuisine at the Union
SUNY Potsdam

"If God didn't want us to drink beer, then he wouldn't have made it out of beer."
-Dan, explaining why it's okay to drink on Yom Kippur
Tufts University

S: I wish I wasn't so self-destructive.
K: What? Sexstructive?
S: Yes. I wish I wasn't so sexstructive, that's exactly what I said. Now, let me drive.
-On questionable wheel time
University of Arkansas at Monticello

Courtney: Hey guys, look at the dead bird!
Megan and Erin (looking up): Where??
-Only one of whom is blonde
Mount Royal College

Megan: Babe, if I let you lick my cookie, can I have some of your pepperoni?
Dave: HAHAHAHA - wait, what?
-Megan, eating an Oreo while craving the pepperoni stick
Mount Royal College

"So I was looking at these pictures of animals that people submit to MSN called Animal Tracks, and there was a picture of a pug named Gizmo!!! I was super excited, but it was a black pug, so I know he wasn't yours. Plus the pic was taken in Kansas or something. Yeah, that’s my story. Then I found 20 bucks."
-Katie, on irrelevant preludes
Seattle University

"I quite like Welsh accents. I know that's not something you normally admit to, like necrophilia."
-Robin, on unacceptable fetishes
Staffordshire University

Friday, September 21

Nate: She wouldn't eat much.
Shelley: I bet she could eat you under the table.
-On taking a midget to dinner
Buena Vista University

"You know, I played one of those football video game things, and it was the best thing in the world. It is hard to pay attention though with all those cheer-dancer girls in front."
-Professor Manju, while discussing jock itch
Central Michigan University

"Dude I just want to subdue her and shave her."
-Brandon, on a coworker's unnatural body hair
Augusta State University

Annabelle: Ryan, you're so skinny.
Julianne: You're, like, emaciated.
Ryan: What?! I'm not black!
-The Emaciation Proclamation
College of William & Mary

"I know everyone in here is saying, 'Things are going to be different this semester! I am going to stay on top of my work and get things done,' but we all know that's a bunch of bullshit!"
-Professor, on the first day of class
Texas Tech University

Professor Vermeer: Alex, will you please call roll for me?
Alex (not really paying attention): I don't have his number....
-On absentees
Nebraska Wesleyan University

"If a tiger ran through that door right now, my svelte physique would allow me to run."
-Professor Wise, on the importance of mobility?
Southern Methodist University

Kelsy: Hey, don't open the fridge if your parents come in. It's stocked.
Annie: Shit. I have to hide the Evan Williams. ...FUCK! I HAVE TO HIDE THE CONDOMS!
Kelsy: Dude, just don't even let them come in. It's not worth it.
-Hungover and attempting to parent-proof the room at noon
Nazareth College of Rochester

Kudos: Dude my trunk won't open and the beer is in there.
Jesea: Aww, what the fuck? Your trunk is a cock-block. It might as well have the condoms in there too.
Kudos: And the girls!!
Jesea: Great, so your trunk is getting all wasted and having sex with our girls....
-Stone cold sober and personifying the car
Cuyahoga Community College

"Toxic shock syndrome: for women who are menstruating and men that wish they were."
-Professor Manju, on health
Central Michigan University