Wednesday, October 31

Random Girl: What are you supposed to be?
Laura: I'm a virgin.
Random Girl: No, I meant for Halloween.
Laura: Yeah I know, I'm the exact opposite of you. I'm a virgin.
Random Girl: Oh.
Laura: ...slut.
-Happy Halloween, half-naked cheerleader chick
Radford University

Leeny: Just....put yourself in my body.
Molly: ...You have no idea how long I've wanted you to say that. I mean...
-Working out problems and creating new ones at the same time
Seattle University

"What are you for Halloween? Dumb?!"
-Erin, screaming out the window at the car next to her because he was blocking us from driving down the street
SUNY Albany

"Miah...can I have a drink of your water? Or will I get diabetes?"
-Cory, on unnecessary precautions
Franklin College

Chris: Pickles, why are your pants down?
Pickles: PANTS ARE A MAN'S PRIVILEGE, AND I HAVE TO EARN THEM!
-Having already earned plenty of alcohol
Georgia Institute of Technology

James: You're pizza. And I'm gay for pizza!!
Cate: I'm getting out of the bed now.
-Killing the moment completely sober
Allegheny College

Mark's Mom: Your sister has volunteered you and her to tag-team your granny when she's here.
Mark: Oh please tell me you didn't say that.
Mark's Mom: What? All I mean is that when one of you aren't entertaining her the other one will.
Mark: Oh dear unholy hell...
-On handling the Grandmother
Simon Fraser University

Betty: You can't get an epidural if you have a tattoo on your lower back.
Shiela: OH MY GOD, REALLY?!
Em: You loser, yours is air brushed on.
-On premature worries
University of Waterloo

Adam: FINALLY! A breakthrough moment!
Angela: We should celebrate with sexytime! Oh man, I think like a boy...
Adam: Hahaha. Hello, my little MANgela!
-When celebration meets gender confusion
University of Southern California

Kaitlyn: If neither of us remember it, it didn't happen.
Tessa: But there are pictures!
Kaitlyn: Yeah, but they never made it to Facebook. So technically, it didn't happen.
-On the skewed reality of college
College of William & Mary

Tuesday, October 30

"I would like to pound his head in with a rock and use his blood for lubricant while I have sex with my black boyfriend."
-Cheyy, hating on her father
Youngstown State University

Customer: I'll order the 6-ounce filet mignon.
Nikki (not paying attention): Would you like that cooked?
-Why Nikki's she's on the 5-year program
Elgin Community College

Kelly: Well I wasn't that into him at first, but then he sorta grew on me.
Travis: Sooo, he's ugly?
-Looks don't grow on people, either
Rice University

"It's too late to have a hot dog inside me."
-Margaret, on why she doesn't want to buy food from the guy who sells sausages
Tufts University

Morgan: Drink the water, it's the element of life...
Maddi: I'm made of carbon fool!
-Unsuccessfully avoiding a hangover
University of California, Santa Barbara

"You know horses will eat themselves to death.... on accident?
-Teal, proving potheads come up with the best conversation topics
Central Michigan University

"I don't even have a neck. MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!"
-Colin, drunk and collapsed on the floor
University of Utah

“It’s like the reshuffling of the deck chairs on the Titanic.”
-Professor Best, on homeland security
Buena Vista University

"I fear the homeless. Don't ask me why, but I think it has something to do with the fact they can use anything. Like, let's say that I toss out this empty 40oz, Mr. Hobo can come along and say, 'Hey, I can make a mean cup of bum soup in this or I can just as easily turn it upside down, break it and have your insides on your outsides.' They are like the retarded versions of Native Americans...waste not, want not."
-Booth, proving that a walk in the park can never be just a walk in the park
Shasta College

Court: I have a remote controlled egg in my vagina.
Cari: Where's the remote?
Court: That's for you to know.... Oh shit.
-Roommate convo gone way, way wrong
Buena Vista University

Monday, October 29

Mark: Was Cassius Clay's Parkinson's disease caused by repeated blows to the head?
Professor Griffith: No, there's really no correlation. Michael J. Fox has Parkinson's disease and he was never a boxer.
Chris: Do you think Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's disease was caused by all that time traveling?
-In Pharmacy school, no less
West Virginia University

Jeff: OW! That was my bad bad knee babe!
Angela: Sorry. Here, let me rub it for you.
Jeff: You totally just kneed me in the balls. Did you wake up with a clutz sticker?
Angela: No! Let me rub that too...
Jeff: I thought you were going to rub it?
Angela: I am!
Jeff: I meant with your vagina.
-Taking care of business
Penn State University

Booth: Wait...are you related to Gwen?
Random Girl: Yeah! She's my twin sister!
Booth: What? (bends down and speaks to her stomach) Gwen, are you in there? (stands up) How could you?
Random Girl: You are a such a drunk fucker.
Booth: And you need to diet, your point would be...
-Booth, shaming them skinny
Shasta College

Colin's Dad: I found a stem on the floor.
Colin: Really? That's odd.
Colin's Dad: Yeah, I tasted it.... It was really bad weed.
-When the parents are out of the house
Elgin Community College

"It would be kind of like if George Washington and Benjamin Franklin were lovers who went up against King George, and died doing it."
-Professor Hrubi, on the ultimate sacrifice
Grand Valley State University

"I almost ran over a caterpillar this morning with my scooter on the way to class but I didn't! I saved it! But then I wondered, why should I care about it's meaningless life if he doesn't care and tries to cross the sidewalk where he can die?! Oh man... Nature is beautiful. (Walks a few feet, picks up a student's umbrella) LOOK! MARY POPPINS!"
-Professor Peterson, supporting evidence for 1970's acid use as a cause of ADD
Saint Leo University

Danny: Jesus Elissa, how many kids in this house do you think look like your cousins?
Elissa: Just you and Lee. You look like my 13-year-old cousin and Lee looks like my 18-year-old cousin.
Lee: Is he the most awesome-est?
Elissa: He's gay.
-Shut down
University of Maryland

Blake: It's all Eve's fault! Damn that woman!
Amanda: No, because Adam could have done something about it, but he just went along.
Blake: Exactly. He should have smacked her. That's why we now beat women. To make up for what Adam should have done but didn't.
-Finding new lines to cross every day
Franciscan University

Mike: Who do you think would win in a fight, lettuce and tomatoes, or peppers and onions?
Bubba: Peppers and onions.
Mike: Are you sure?
-'Cause once you answer, you can't take it back...
SUNY Oneonta

Becky: Whoa, this express bus gets us to the school so fast!
Em: Well, it's not called the fucking slow mobile for a reason.
-On labeled efficiency
University of Waterloo

Sunday, October 28

"I'm sorry you guys have to sit in these chairs designed by maniacal chiropractors who just got fired, under these lights that make us all look like heroine addicts."
-Professor W, on poor working conditions
College of William and Mary

Frank: Steve, remember that time I punched you in the balls 3 times in a row?
Steve: Yeah and that was really gay. Like actually homosexual.
Frank: No it's not. You were pissing me off and punching you in the balls shut you up.
Steve: Dude! Punching someone in the balls is like a combination of a handjob and S&M.
-Elegantly put
Elysium University

Jindy: You know, if I met someone just like you, I would hate them.
Nikki: Thanks.
Jindy: Well I mean that I wouldn't like them if they were as big of an ass as you are to people and if they believed the same things as you.
Nikki: So you hate me?
Jindy: Pretty much.
-On redundant clarification
University of Colorado - Colorado Springs

Professor W: So Harriet Jacobs had to live in the crawl space of an attic while she was a fugitive slave. Who does that remind you of? Who else had to live in such a small space? Kelsy?
Kelsy: Harry Potter.
Professor W: I was thinking more along the lines of Anne Frank.
-On historical fiction
Nazareth College of Rochester

"And another factor here is the birth of Jeebus, and-- I mean, Jesus. I watch too much of The Simpsons."
-Professor Barone, on pop culture saturation
University of Montevallo

"How do you fail history, IT NEVER CHANGES!!"
-Laura on good points
Youngstown State University

Steve: No, Eric I don't like black people.
Eric: I'm sorry, what?
Steve: In fact I hate them, which is odd because I just loooove chocolate ice cream. It's a paradox really.
-Racism, sleep-talking and chocolate ice cream
Kwantlen University College

Professor Anders: When I need to relax I go to this nice little Asian massage parlor in town.
Random Girl: That sounds nice.
Professor Anders: It really is. A back rub and a happy ending all for just $29.99.
(Silence in class)
Professor Anders: What? Where else am I gonna get that, my wife?
-When professors share too much
Kwantlen University College

Bronwyn: Isn't zero Fahrenheit and zero Celsius the same thing?
Ev: No...they're different. You know how when it's zero Celsius out it's 32 Fahrenheit?
Bronwyn: Yeah, but they're all the same except with different numbers.
-On different samenesses
Occidental College

"Dude, it's like attack of the zombies out there...but they're fuckin' hot zombies."
-Mark, noticing that a school of 40,000 undergrads has more hot girls than a school of 4,000
Penn State University