Friday, November 23

And now, for a special presentation from Professor Widlan of Seattle
University:

"So, women, this is exciting for you. You can chew tobacco now."
-After assigning the class a day as the opposite sex

"Should all the boys in here just cry right now? I'll give you five extra credit points if you can cry. I try to gently weep at least once a week."
-On proper encouragement

"My God… women live forever!"
-Some things you can't get rid of

"I don't use chopsticks under any circumstances, I wear white pants all year round, even if it's after Labor Day, and I hate the song 'Brown Eyed Girl'."
-Throwing caution to the wind

"I spoon-feed you because I love you so much, and you just want more, and more, and more. There's only so much of me to go around!"
-On his three rules for dating

"You know what is depressing me right now? It's that last year, at this moment, I was up here talking about the same fucking person!"
-On Valentine's Day

"Environmental determinism means that, hey, the environment determines everything."
-Ruling out any options

"You don't have to write my name down. Although you can, if you just like the way it rolls off your tongue."
-On feel good repetition

"Just sittin' on your La-Z-Boy, drinkin' mai tais, thinkin' about training homing pigeons."
-On casual time

"From here on out, this whole lecture is gonna be in E minor."
-Changing his tune

"Everyone's touching everybody in the South."
-On free hands

"Anybody got some muscle? Wanna help me shake some people down? It's for extra credit!"
-On official immunity

Class dismissed!

Wednesday, November 21

Molly: My registration time was at 4:00 but the system let me register at 3:00. I even double-checked it, it was 1400 which is obviously 4:00.
Alex: Uhhhh....1400 is 2:00. 12 + 2 = 14.
Molly: Fuck that I'm not in the military! They can't expect me to know that shit.
-On standard non-compliance
Nebraska Wesleyan University

Andrea: I don't ever want to get divorced.
Andrea's Mom: You'll find a great partner one day.
Andrea: Mom, are you implying I'm a lesbian?
Molly: Tell Sheri welcome to the family.
-Pussy's outta the bag
Seattle University

Jason: I'm the worst person ever.
CT: I'm sure there's several mass murderers who will disagree.
Jason: I destroy souls not bodies.
-Putting mere mortals in their place
University of Florida

"So if someone older lets one out and says, 'I couldn't help it!' you tell them, 'Oh, yes you can! I learned in Anatomy and Physiology that there is an external sphincter, you can hold it in if you really want to!'"
-Professor Skugrud, discussing gas prevention
Minnesota State College - Southeast Technical

Leeny: Dude...I've been so gassy the last couple days. And Kristin and I haven't yet breached the fart barrier.
Molly: Not to freak you out, but you may never get to the comfort level.
Leeny: Oh I have no hopes that it will. I'm just waiting until she moves out. Then it'll be gaseous city in here. It'll be gas-tastic.
Molly: The relief will be gastronomical.
-This webpage even smells now
Seattle University

Madeline: They need to make a bookstore that you can just borrow, and you don't have to buy it....
Darian: You mean like a library?
Madeline: Yeah... And they need to make a place where you can get movies but not buy them too...
Darian: Blockbuster....
-Madeline, after being called a person who needs to think more

Em: What did I specifically ask you NOT to do?
Jon R: Come visit you at work.
Em: What did you specifically go and do?
Jon R: Come visit you at work.
Em: Now what are you going to NOT specifically do to piss me off?
Jon R: Come visit you at work.
Em: Fuck.
Jon R: Specifically.
-On circular hard-headedness
University of Waterloo

"Yes, they actually import women to Alaska! Well, the ratio of men to women is about... 80/20, so a lot of foreign women move there because they keep hearing that there are so many men. Oh yeah, at that point, the moose start to look good!"
-Professor Iglesias, on alternate options
Minnesota State College - Southeast Technical