Monday, November 19

Lena's Dad: You don't see this color of red in nature, except on maybe flowers.
Lena: Yeah, or on fire trucks!
-Baked at a Chinese restaurant
Portland Community College

"It's like bottled heaven. Only the angels are shit-faced."
-Lucky, on Pappy Van Winkle's
Duquesne University

Justin: Dude I think you and I are pretty sensitive guys.
Robert: Well there's times to be sensitive, and there's times to have balls. I think right now is a time for both.
Justin: ...
Robert: Damn that was Facebook-worthy, you need to quote me on that one.
-On getting over an ex
University of Tennessee

"It freaked me out 'cause I didn't know what it was at first, then I saw the sheets were all wet and I was like, 'You have to change those we are not sleeping in that!'"
-Chelsae, on her first orgasm
Southern Methodist University

Tom J: I'm really glad I don't know what my own semen tastes like.
Tom S: I wish I could say the same...
Joel: Please, oh god please tell me that you're joking.
Tom J: Seriously dude, confirm that you're joking
Tom S: Like I said, I wish I could say the same.
Joel: There is no fucking way I'm going to believe you shot a fucking load into your own fucking mouth.
Tom S: The truth hurts... seriously.
-On natural, salty, phenomena
Eastern Michigan University

"Cause you shake and you bake, and you turn it into chicken and you promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it."
-Greta, drunk and singing to the tune of Avril Lavigne
College of William and Mary

Jordan: Was that the week you weren't talking?
Russ: That's every week.
Jordan: Oh, so it's more of a physical relationship?
Russ: Mental.
Jordan: I don't even know what that means.
Russ: You should try it...now I don't know what that means.
-Addressing serious relationship confusion
Southern Methodist University

"Put me down for Wednesday and Thursday nights. But those dates are subject to change."
-Russ, on scheduling conflicts
Southern Methodist University

"She acts like we're dating, we fight like we're dating, but I've never even finger fed the beav."
-Gordon, struggling with the wildlife of the South
University of South Carolina

"I am mesmerized by Betty White's enormous cans..."
-Ian, going where few dare while watching The Golden Girls (seriously, they are huge)
Stetson University College of Law

Friday, November 16

"Where are you going? NOWHERE! Oh shit speed up, don't stop at the stop sign. He's catching up to us."
-Zack, screaming to a person riding a bike from the car
Regis University

"So, you don't pee out a tampon?"
-Steve, on failed anatomy
Saint Leo University

Professor Drumpstum: Now, does anyone know any important figures in the Jewish tradition?
Blair: JESUS!
Professor Drumpstum (as he proceeds to pack up his briefcase and leave the class): That's it, I quit. Jesus?! Fuck, have you not been paying any attention to this class? I mean, quite seriously, JESUS?! You kids all laugh, but they're just getting dumber over time. (exits class)
-How the Catholic destroyed Professor Drumpstum's scholarly career
Université d'Ottawa

Ralph: Girls don't pee out of their vaginas, they like pee out of their taint.
Tim: What?!
Maggie: No Ralph...
Ralph: Yes they do!
Maggie: Ralph, I think I would know.
Ralph: Yeah...well shut up!
Tim: Wow... You need to get laid...
-The understanding of the female anatomy continues to break down

BK: Alright James, take us home!
Campbell: I'm not your chauffeur and my name's not James.
Mike: He's right. James is not a chauffeur's name. A chauffeur's name has to be kinda gay and British, like...Fagswell.
Campbell: I swear to God I'm never doing this for you guys again! Next time you're walking.
Mike: Silence Fagswell! We're not paying you to talk! Now take us to Domino's, you're incompetence has given me quite an appetite.
-Always designate a driver
Michigan Technological University

"Dude, if I was a billionaire heiress, I would fuck dudes like us all the time, just to give them the thrill of their lives."
-Ryan, watching TV, overthinking a bit
University of Tulsa

Maggie: Let's get fucked up tonight!
Ralph: We get fucked up every night.
Maggie: Oh yeah... Well let's get extra fucked up tonight!
-On major modifications to existing plans
Youngstown State University

Steve: I hope you get hit by a, duh...
Amanda: You hope I get hit by a drunk driver?!
Steve: No, YOU ARE MEAN! That's not what I was going to say! You're a horrible person for thinking that! I meant to say I hope you get hit by a train!
-Too high to rationalize
Saint Leo University

"I need ass and a freeze pop."
-Maddy, on the necessities of life
Regis University

"I like to study by the windows that have natural sunlight."
-Michelle, finding a nice, redundant place to study
University of South Dakota