Thursday, December 20

"Alcohol makes the complicated things simple, and the simple things complicated."
-Daniel, on having 3 girlfriends at once
Texas Tech University

"So next semester I'm showing some documentaries, including some that I made. One of them I'm still waiting on university approval for because there's some 'questionable' behavior; I mean, what are you supposed to do when someone hands you a joint.... You take two and pass it to the left!"
-Professor Davis, going for the stamp of approval
Washington State University

Smyth: Ma'am, may I go check on DJ? He's been in the washroom a while and I don't think he's alright.
Frank: I think I should go with him 'cause DJ's symptoms resemble those of mutant zombies and if Smyth goes alone, he'd get turned into a zombie too.
Steve: I think I should go too just so I don't have to be here.
-Trying to leave class during a test
Elysium University

"I had a crazy dream last night! I was a female James Bond, and I captured someone who looks just like my boyfriend; same face and everything, but while I was fucking him, the only thing going through my mind was, 'I'm cheating on Brandon, holy shit.' Later in the dream, I had to get some tapes from Sean Connery, and the only way I could get the tapes was to fuck him. For some reason, though, while I was fucking Sean, I was only thinking, 'I'm doing this for my country!' And the strangest part was, he couldn't get wet, so he hired a midget to come in and lick his balls until he was! What the hell did I eat?"
-Kat, on eating before bed
Fullerton Community College

"Tomorrow morning's booger harvest is going to be epic."
-A, on going to bed with a cold
Gonzaga University

"If God made man and woman, he definitely intended for there to be porn."
-Dan, sanctioning porn in the name of God
American University

"Don't hold your farts in, because when you do, they go straight up to your brain and that's where you get your shitty ideas from."
-Shane, on crappy thinking
Murray State University

"He's a history major! He could have historical sex with my mom, and that would be amazing!"
-Ryan, on uses for a history degree
Ohio State University

Tuesday, December 18

Tony: You know what we need when we're old coots living down the road from each other? An indoor golf simulator.
Paul: Oh... I thought you were going to say cannons.. Like so we could shoot at each other... like Yosemite Sam and Bugs Bunny.
-Differing views of the future
University of Ontario Institute of Technology

Friend from home (on the phone): So this song came on and Tristan was like "This was the song that was on when Tessa and I made love in my car."
Tessa: We never made love in his car, it was in my basement. But it wasn't love, it was... awkward. We made awkward in my basement.
-On murky clarifications
College of William & Mary

Paul: *Burp*
Tony: That was disgusting.
Paul: That was biscuits.
Tony: Dare I sniff?
-Basking in the afterglow of dinner at Popeye's
University of Ontario Institute of Technology

Nick: I'm bored and we drank everything.
Chelsea: Yeah, I'm feeling a little lesbian right now, let's go meet some
girls.
-Getting on the same page
Michigan State University

Derek: My grandpa's in there.
Kim: "Forest Hills." Cool, is it a condo?
-Driving by a cemetery

Police Officer: Get out of the truck.
Amy: I am WAY to drunk for that, you get in.
-Amy, on custom DUI practices
Prescott College

"I don't need a good girl, just a girl...with a handle on her head maybe...yeah that would be nice."
-Mike, on getting a grip
Roanoke College

"Don't ever underestimate the power of shitty thinking."
-Drake, after failing an exam
University of Cincinnati

Monday, December 17

Amber: Elissa, you know he hooked up with her the other night, right? What if they had sex and then you gave him head right after?
Elissa: No way, I would have SMELLED it!
-On detective work
University of Maryland

Gabby: But when weed and alcohol are mixed it can be deadly because weed reduces the
gag reflex.
Bee: Yep, that's why I just stick to weed.
Professor C: I'm not even gonna go there.
-While giving a classroom presentation
University of Nevada at Las Vegas

Denis: Honestly, I'm probably gonna just spend it all on clothes.
Nate: Man, you're having a lot of vagina moments tonight.
Denis: Dude, you just took me stargazing!
-Touché, after watching the Geminid meteor shower
UCLA Law School

"Guys, anyone know any Serbian jokes? I met this Serb kid over the weekend and it looks like he's gonna be hanging out with us a lot so we need some Serb jokes. We have white jokes, Jew jokes, and Asian jokes so we need Serb jokes to balance it all out."
-Frank, on friendship equality
Elysium University

Frank: Let's play darts and actually keep score. First to 501.
Scott: OK. Let's use our racist names then.
Frank: So I'm going to be chink, you're cracker, and Josh would be Jew.
Scott: Yeah, but in your case, it should be chunk.
-The insult burns on both ends
Elysium University

"Why is everyone in bed and I am still awake with a half of a bagel bite that is looking at me saying, 'Don't eat me!!!' And I don't wanna eat him 'cause he is my friend!"
-Carrie, after one too many shots of tequila
Radford University

Jaclyn: I think I need a bigger laptop, this one is too small.
Nick: Yeah, I can barely type on it.
Tara: I am pretty sure I can fit your entire laptop into my vagina.
-On effective stop gaps
Michigan State University

Diet: You’re not driving anywhere, you can’t even walk.
Greener: Bullshit! I can walk like a fish!
-Arguing against yourself doesn't help
University of Nebraska Lincoln

Brian: So I went to the library yesterday and this guy was watching porn.
Cece: Why in public? Why doesn't he just go home to his own computer?
Brian: Maybe he doesn't have one...
Cece: That's what Playboy is for.
Brian: Yeah but the computer is so much better...
Cece: ....
-Great first impressions
University of Nevada at Las Vegas