Wednesday, December 5

"I'd write her a poem, but the only thing that rhymes with Liz is jizz."
-Tessa, on the difficulties of Secret Santa gifts
College of William & Mary

"That's gross! There are too many pieces of you moving in directions they should not be moving."
-Brandon, watching his fiancé do the elf dance
Kansas State University

"Don't you wish it was just counting instead of accounting?"
-Matt, during an all-nighter
SUNY College at Buffalo

Amanda: You sound like you're about to cry.
Amanda's Mom: I can't do that, I'm driving.
-On incompetent multitaskers
University of New England

"I wish I had a joint for every joint I wish I had."
-Jack, on double green
University of Colorado, Boulder

Matty: What happens if we go over 2 pages?
Professor D: You will be lynched.
-On a Martin Luther King essay
Southern Methodist University

Katie: I love having breasts, it's like having an unlimited credit card just for alcohol.
Tony: How much are implants? It might be cheaper for me in the long run...
-On hybrid savings
University of California, Los Angeles

"See, you gotta have a technique. You can't just jump in there, blindly, and start wiping like crazy. You'll only make it worse. You gotta know what you're doing back there... you gotta be prepared. That's why I have dry practices."
-Carlos, discussing the proper way to wipe one's ass
Unity College

"Dude...I've got this pain in my side...it's like it's filled with all that alcohol and weed...IT'S MY DRUG BUBBLE!"
-Ben, on substance handles
Shorter College

Tuesday, December 4

"Okay, I have to get off the phone. I know you love hearing my sweet sweet voice, but you’ll have to be satisfied with my fingers. ..... I’m sorry."
-Aileen, after hanging up the phone and returning to AIM
Johnson & Wales University

"So you suck on your balls before you eat them?"
-Jenna, during a conversation about Marilyn Manson's missing ribs
Pomona College

Professor: …So this enzyme is called the stickase.
Alan (whispering): Who’s sticking what in the ass?
-Late arrival to a biochemistry lecture
Johns Hopkins University

"Whenever they piss you off, you just gotta stop and look at them and figure they'll be dead someday."
-Jim, on getting along with parents
Palomar College

"My brother's not gay! He's really homosexual...I mean homophobic."
-Deb, realizing what she didn't want to admit
Northern Michigan University

Jenny: There is a presentation about "The Terrorist Next Door."
Matt: Oh really?
Jenny: God I hope that means Canada.
-Deciding what to do on campus
Allentown College

Jason: What's a cell?
Professor Collins: What you'll end up in if your behavior doesn't change.
-A few months INTO the biology class
Johnson & Wales University

Maria: Yeah, his new girlfriend has a kid.
Joe: Dude, sex trophies are not cool!
-All that glitters is not gold
Ball State University

"There's something strange about letting an old white guy molest you considering all the stuff about priests molesting children."
-Brian, after his physical
Oklahoma State University