College Quotes! Dumb-Funny Quotes

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Tuesday, November 30

"I used to just hate cell phones because it's an addiction worse than crack. But now I think I'm gonna start a vendetta against them. You know, so I can have a cause... and be
an anti-communications ninja."
-Deeves, possibly the only person at school without a cell
Bucknell University

"The best part about having sex with people younger than about two, plus mutes and animals, is that they can't say no."
-Chris
Catholic University

"You like tomatoes, I like...well olives.... I guess you just complete me."
-Kelly, explaining her relationship to her boyfriend
Lambuth University

"Flavored condoms are a scam, just like the Publisher's Clearing House."
-Erica, after licking condoms that did not taste like strawberry
University of Evansville

"Can you see the borders between states when you're in an airplane?"
-Mel, while looking at a map
Cornell University

Lady: How fast were you going??
Eric: Since it wasn't a completely elastic collision I assume I was going a little faster than your dog ended up going.
-Eric, using physics to try and calm down the owner of the dog he just hit
Corning Community College

"In the future we'll all have robots at home to...I don't know. Slap your nieces around for you?"
-Professor Winton, predicting the future
Mississippi State University

"Grandmothers slamming each other? Oh, gross! GROSS!"
-Ben, sleep talking
University of Southern Maine

Tanya: Wait, who won the Civil War? Wasn't it the West?
Brian: Uh...no. The North won.
Tanya: Oh yeah! Duh, the Confederates were much stronger than the South.
-Tanya in History 170 (honors)
Orange Coast Community College

Heidi: Why is Indigo always looking for everyone's approval?
Morgan: It's hard for her here. I mean, at home she knows she's done a good job when her parents give her a new wind chime or hemp necklace.
Here...she gets nothing.
-On Indigo's hippy family
Elgin Community College

Monday, November 29

"This was the 1990's. People used to finger each other all day. They would just finger each other every hour. I was a finger-er."
-Tommy the Speech Communication TA, on early email and sender ID's
University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign

Gregg: Aren't you tired of paying her?
Matt: It's okay I pay her...in cock!
Gregg: Isn't she tired of minimum wage?
-On Matt's girlfriend
University of Colorado Boulder

Danny: Dude, you should be in a porno.
Zach: What would I be? A dildo?
-Danny and 4' tall Zach while discussing porn
University of Texas

Paul: Isn't that guy from Texas?
Austin: No man, he's from Mississippi.
Brandon: Mississippi? Isn't that some kind of disease?!
-During a 10 hour road trip
Rend Lake College

Matt: Yeah we just got back from cliff diving.
Mellisa: So when you cliff dive do you jump like into water?
Mellisa, on like, soft landings
Northern Arizona University

"What kind of Asian are you? ...If yes, please explain?"
-Theresa, after making a new Korean friend
Cal State Northridge

Corrine: Is it really so much to ask that you take your shoes off at 7:30 in the morning?
Sonya: No kidding!
Corrine: Well, we can always wish.
Sonya: Dear Santa...
Corrine: Could you please cut off Jenn's feet when you deliver her Christmas presents?
Wilfrid Laurier University

Melissa: I got new shoes!
Travis: Are they stripper shoes?
Melissa: Any shoes are stripper shoes as long as you're taking off your clothes.
-Melissa, on footwear
University of Texas at San Antonio

"Not running a red light? That's something a dead man can do."
-Professor Dippner, on the definition of a behavior
University of Nevada Las Vegas

Melissa: Why are you a pirate?
Greg: Why aren't you a pirate?
-Greg, randomly dressed as a pirate
University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign

Sunday, November 28

"Don't spend that, it will be worth money some day."
-Ron, on the Sacagawea dollar
University of Wisconsin, Whitewater

"We have vaginas! Penises are not supposed to leave vaginas at the bar alone! We shouldn't be walking home with just vaginas, there should be penises walking us home!"
-Jen, walking back to the dorm drunk after getting ditched
Marist College

Frank: Man I need a catch phrase. That way I can make really cool entrances and grand exits.
Mike: Dude in the first place, I can't believe you devoted a second of your life to contemplating that and second, only douchebags have
catchphrases. So all I gotta say to you is "Dynomite!"
University of Texas at San Antonio

Chas: Oh I missed a call, it was Jess!
Sean: So did that come up as one missed call or two?
-Daaaaaaamn
University of Kentucky

Thomas: So have you ever flown through a cloud?
Dan: Yeah, in a plane.
-While driving through fog
Appalachian State University

Kelly: We hang out with the same five people, let's go meet new people.
Jen: How are we going to meet new people if we don't know anyone?!
-On making friends (or not)
Marist College

“Dying on a cross! Way to drop the ball on that one, Jesus.”
-Craig, studying for religion
University of Southern California

Jes: How fast can rabbits masturbate I wonder?
Jake: I don't think they do. But they do fuck each other fast. And they squeak when they cum! ISN'T THAT JUST ADORABLE!
-While doing laundry
University of Arizona

"Are you freaking kidding me? Oh man, I have to knit a really long scarf."
-Greg, while sleep-talking
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"It's like looking through a microscope at a cell culture and seeing a thousand dancing hamsters, it's just not possible!"
-Katie, during a chemistry study session
University of Vermont

Friday, November 26

"You live on Retard Street, and I'm your dad."
-Randy, trying to hurl insults
University of Mary Washington

Ali: So you finally got a screenname?
Rachel: Yeah, but it makes me sound like too much of a pot head.
Ali: What is it?
Rachel: rBluntner.
Ali: Yeah that does kind of make you sound like a pot head.
Rachel: I know right...and that's not all I am, it should be like rBlunter and...nice person.
Champlain College

"Dude, it was the needle that popped the camel's hump?!"
-John, attempting to explain how fed up he became with his girlfriend
St. John's University

Jodi: Don't you notice anything different?
Jon: Uhh, no.
Jodi: I got my hair shortened!
Jon: Really? How?!
-Jon, proving that men just don't care
Loyola University Chicago

Davis: Tell ya what officer, he's going to be a teacher. I, myself, am one upstanding citizen. Let's just let him walk on home with us and he can
teach me in the morning.
Police officer: Did you know I can arrest you too for interference?
Davis: Yeah, I hear ya, fuck him right? Bitch is gonna flunk me anyway.
-Davis, drunk and trying to save his TA from a DUI
University of Wyoming

"Fuck pre-game, I'm going straight to game!"
-Caitlin, before formal
Syracuse University

"Holland is the place to go if your wanted for murder or heresy. It's all because of the canals."
-Ben, on escaping from the Feds
University of Illinois Urbana Champaign

Schawn: You have to ask him ridiculous questions, and if he realizes they are ridiculous then he's okay, but if he doesn't respond or doesn't make
sense we got a problem....
Goose: Alright, hey Cho, you know when you're at the beach? Does the stone in the lake convince you that the toolshed is full?
Cho: Is the stone big or large?
Goose: The stone is big, large, and a milkshake.
Cho: I can only throw stones that are bigger than me, and I want a woman who's not looking for perfection, but is reasonable.
Northern Illinois University

"Hey, if you're looking in a mirror or your buddy list is open, you're not drinking alone."
-Aaron, on alcoholism
University of Western Australia

Police officer (pulling onto a park lawn): Put your hands on your head!
Drew: Hey man your on the grass.
Police officer: So are you son.
-After the cop pulled out a bag of weed
San Diego State University