Wednesday, May 7

Kelly: Well, it is...what do they call it, Nylon...Teflon....
Brandon: Silicon Valley?
Kelly: That's it!
-Close, but no cigarette
Northern Michigan University

Mike: Okay, are you on the west or east side of 99th?
Matt: Which way are you heading? North or south?
Mike: That makes a difference?
Matt: Yeah, I need to know that so I know if I should tell you to go east or west.
Mike: That doesn't make any sense
Matt: Fuck you're dumb. Okay, look. On a map, north is always up and east is on the right side, but if you're going south then all of a sudden it's on the west side.
Mike: Will you please put someone else on the phone?
-You're driving him crazy
University of Alberta

Grandma: I put the chair in my room.
Jonathan: So the chair is in MY room?
Amanda: Did you skip the fucking lesson on pronouns?!
-Now, now, not in front of Grandma
Southern Methodist University

Professor: You’ll come home from work one day and find a kid stuffed in the closet and Aileen standing there in fury.
Molly: She’ll be sitting on the couch with a beer and cigarette. She had a hard day.
-On Aileen's job at a day care
Seattle University

"Death is always ambidextrous."
-Rupe, on the versatile hand of death
Northern Michigan University

Chase: Do you remember your senior prom?
Emily: Yeah, it was okay. I lost my camera that night though.
Chase: You lost a lot more than just your camera that night!
-New high school memories surface
University of Southern California, Northridge

"Fill out a course evaluation after the exam. I'll read them...when I have some single malt scotch."
-Professor H, for "Honesty is the best policy"
Southern Methodist University

"What the fuck, it's a CEO and ho party theme? I never read the fucking events because it's always like a Vagititus, we're slutty, we like sex, we are whores, we want to fuck each other theme on Facebook. I never bother reading it, I just show up really drunk."
-Jessica, walking into a house uninformed, but prepared
University of Waterloo

Lindsay: I'M NOT SO INNOCENT! I have sex with my boyfriend Mike all the time!!
Mike: Umm...no need to point. Everyone knows who your boyfriend Mike is.
Lindsay's Mom: LINDSAY! How could you before you're married??
Mike: Ya know, this feels like a family discussion. Maybe I should just go.
Lindsay's Dad: *Evil glare*
Mike (calling out): What? What's that? You need me? Okay, I'll be right there!
Lindsay's Dad: SIT DOWN!
-Damn, that works in the movies
University of Alberta

Johnny: This drink actually tastes really good. I can't believe putting all those shitty alcohols together made THIS.
Adam: If you're dick tasted like this, the ladies would be all over it.
Stefan: I'll drink your dick!
Johnny: Wow, just wow. I'm quoting you on that, dude. By the way, don't ever talk to me again.
-The night they figured out Stefan is better at NOT being the sober one
Westminster College (Pennsylvania)

Denis: I already read that article, way before you did.
Nate: I read it last night!
Denis: I wrote the article, and then proofread it for mistakes.
Nate: I was the guy who got shot!
Denis: I was the bullet! Wow...that means I went inside of you...
Nate: ...
Denis: Shit just got real.
-It's an unusual friendship
University of California, Los Angeles School of Law

Benjamin: We need to do a brainstorm!
Professor Bryce: Brainstorm is politically incorrect because some people can't brain.
-When it's really stormy inside

Linds: Some kid on MySpace just called me a "hot dime."
Amanda: You ARE a hot dime. If nothing else, you're a room temperature quarter.
-Amanda, always makin' cents
Southern Methodist University

"Now I may be wrong, but fencing is the only sport where you can kill a man, right?"
-Professor Carney, discussing sports during class
Southern Methodist University

Molly: My mom said we can take the foosball table for our apartment!
Aileen: Maybe we'll make friends this way! We'll score friends, and maybe later... score WITH those friends! Assuming those friends are of the male persuasion.
Molly: And even if they aren't, desperation isn't too far off.
Aileen: Haha but if that happens, we'll always have each other.
Molly: True, no need to venture outside our walls.... so to speak.
-Turning progressively inward
Seattle University

A: Did I tell you the news?
C: You're pregnant?
A: No, I'm getting a breast reduction.
C: WHAT?! That's a blasphemy to...GOD!
A: God's like married to the church! He doesn't care about tits.
C: God's a guy, he LOVES tits.
-On universal love
University of Windsor

Derek: But.. how does that work, exactly?
Professor Bing: Because I said so.
Derek: But it's mathematically impossible!
Professor Bing: Well, I control the laws of the universe. Now hush up and work the problem.
-During a Chemistry 101 course
University of Alabama

Nessa: Have you guys ever played Grand Theft Auto?
Laina: It's such a fucked up game. You can fuck a prostitute, kill her, and get your money back.
Rachel: I wanna fuck a prostitute and get my money back!
-Who doesn't?
Indiana University

"I was telling my mom about all the things at Pottery Barn I want and now she's under the impression we'll have a nice apartment. And then I reminded her that instead of a $500 table, it'll be a plastic table with a table cloth we get from Craigslist. A used table cloth will be nice since it'll probably come complete with food stains. We won't be able to afford food, but it'll give the appearance to guests that we can."
-Molly, on false food fronts
Seattle University

"Ooooo yes, sometimes I just...love to watch you all struggle."
-English Professor, shivering with excitement
University of Alabama

Amanda: It was last year. It was a big to-do in the commonwealth.
Linds: Well that explains it. The entire population of Berlin, MA. could hold a full-fledged orgy in a phone booth.
-Linds, on irrelevant populations
Southern Methodist University

"Oh LSD... John lennon's inspiration, remember 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds'? That's right, that spells LSD. Oh!! And that part about Kaleidoscope eyes! I love LSD, thank god for it! Wait... drugs are bad."
-Professor Sobel, getting a little off track during Physiological Psychology
University of Central Arkansas

"My vibrator got stolen out of my car along with my condoms and everything else important in my life."
-Katie, outside a bar
University of California, Los Angeles

Frank: Dude, you did not leave your bag at the bar. I didn't see you with the bag there. You must have left it at McDonald's.
Krosk: Wow Frank, you're intelligent.
Frank: No, I'm just less drunk.
-Half dozen one way, six-pack the other
Elysium University

Professor Sobel: Have you ever wondered where the image of a witch on a broom came from? Well, let's see... some joker figured out that this awesome mold, LSD, created hallucinations, but the shit caused extreme vomiting and convulsions. So some bright guy discovered that using the mucus membrane prevented the side effects and gave a great trip. So let me paint this picture for you: women with a broom stick handle covered in LSD about to insert into a "mucus membrane." Oh there's just something about thinking of a room full of naked cackling women...
Becky: Oh my god, I'm never going to be able to watch Harry Potter again!!!
-Physiological psychology gets interesting, broomsticks and witches get pornographic
University of Central Arkansas

"It is weird sitting here drenched in her boyfriend's cum."
-Overheard from a girl just after she finished talking to the girlfriend of the guy she was sleeping with, while at his basketball game
Arizona State University

Frank: How many fingers?
Krosk: 22.
Frank: NO! I'm NOT giving back your phone! You're going to make drunk calls.
Krosk: Shut up, you're not my mom, gimme my phone!
Frank: How many fingers?
Krosk: 3.
Frank: It's actually four, but that's close enough.
-On sobriety tests
Elysium University

"That's gay. And this is coming from a woman who VOLUNTARILY HAS SEX WITH WOMEN."
-Becky, telling it straight...or not
Northern Michigan University

"It would instantly add class to our apartment. Sketchy class."
-Molly, on a Corona sign with a bottle opener attached
Seattle University