College Quotes

Jimi: Do I have a lazy eye?
Sam: Yeah, two of them.
Jimi: What's the other one?
-While stoned after a concert

George: I don't even know what a triglyceride IS...
James: The count in your blood can determine whether or not you're gonna have a heart attack.
George: I don't need to know that shit. It's a heart attack for a reason, it attacks your heart.
-George, on unreasonable class objectives

K Si: Shit!, Fuck! Joe, why do I suck at life?!?
Joe K: Because you let life suck at you....
-K Si, as he dropped his keys and cell phone, then spilled his beer while bending over them pick them up

Lucie: It's totally weird that Old Spice uses Doogie Howser in those new commercials.
Nate: Why? Because he came out?
Lucie: Yeah!
Nate: Why should that matter?
Lucie: Old Spice is the deodorant for straight guys!
Nate: Huh? Then what the fuck deodorant is the deodorant for gay guys?
Maria: Secret?
-On essential coverups

Tommy: At this point I'm not sure who has a better sense of humor...god or the devil.
Brock: I think they just sit around drinking and one upping one another.
Tommy: I could see that.
-Visualizing the powers that be

John: Okay, so you type the information here, but don't hit the back button it will be... have you been watching the Olympics? Some chick stepped out of the mat and the announcer called it a catastrophe! Earthquakes killed a lot of people there not too long ago; that was a catastrophe, not gymnastics.
Brock: Yeah, that was a little off-color...
John: Agreed, but don't hit the back button, it WILL be a catastrophe. Seriously, people will fucking die.
-On consuming distractions

Rachel: I wish I could see something evolve; like humans into rocks.
Jacey: Like humans into rocks?!
Missy: So we go from monkeys to humans to rocks?
Rachel: I just don't know what the future holds.
-Advanced stoned convos 101

"I'm going to go get high, I'll be friendly when I get back."
-Zach, on social norms

Dylan: That's it I'm going to take off my pants!
Jamz: Yeah!!! Yeah!!!!
David: Why do you want Dylan to take off his pants??
Jamz: I want everybody out of their pants!!!
-A good sign Monday night is (not) going according to plan

"Ugh, that's been in there all night."
-Gabe, somehow managing to make a manly fart seem homo

Jenn: Indestructible? I wouldn't bet the farm on it.
Jason: We have a FARM? Where??
Jenn: Um, in your pants.
-Late low blows to the boyfriend

"I'm not like those other guys.... I respect you bitches!
-Cricket, almost nailing the pick-up line

Cody: God this cold sucks, I coughed so hard it hurt my taint! Don't you fuckin' hate it when that happens?
Dime: Uhhh, can't say thats ever happened to me, I'm pretty sure that's not a normal thing.
Cody: Well I'm going to get an ice cream bar and then we are gonna figure this taint shit out.
-What would you do for a Klondike bar?

"Queen Elizabeth the First was kind of like a little Oprah..."
-Professor Earenfight, struggling for new spins on European history

Cline: I can't see the test from here.
Greg: Aren't you ambidextrous?
Cline: Yeah, I can only read with my right eye.
-So many things wrong, so little time