College Quotes

Jamie: That chick's wicked hot.
Scott: She kinda looks like a squirrel though.
Rory: She'll look even more like a squirrel with my nuts in her mouth.
-On cheeky additions

Kyle (holding new golf balls): Hey, Eddie, look at my balls.
Ed: What are you doing with those, you know Lynnie doesn't let you walk around by yourself with your balls.
-On his whipped friend

"Bye guys, see you at seven. Don't let the duck be idle. ...Oh come on, don't act like you haven't heard that one before."
-Garrard, creating his own brand of ancient wisdom

"This sucks, I only know one guy with cystic fibrosis and he's a real asshole."
-Sean, on the wonders of fundraising

"What happened to her face? Did she sleep on it wrong?"
-Elliott, on a girl in the dorm

"There is and never has been love. Only fingerblasting."
-Mike, on the hands-on romantic approach

Frank: I am Guillermo Sanchez, great grandson of the Mexican desperado Don Juan Diego Sanchez, you may have heard of him.
Meaghan: See, I don't believe that, mostly because someone just told me your name was Frank.
Frank: Goddammit.
-On unwanted shortcomings

"Santa Monica College is, like, so stupid. I mean, O to the M to the G, their slogan '#1 in transfers' is like totally telling the world that nobody wants to stay at their school. That's like Marketing 101: avoid negative publicity."
-From a sixth year senior at UCLA

"A holiday is an occasion where everyone you have ever known and loved ridicules you for being a failure, you occasionally cry uncontrollably, and sometimes those who ridicule eat your food, justified by the fact that you are STILL a failure."
-Henri, on no room for celebration

Henri: Does she go to school in Pomona?
Eric Does she suck a mule under Corona?
Henri: What?
Eric: What?
-Two deafs don't make a right

"Dating is the most useless and rotten attempt by completely worthless individuals to establish a faulty image for somebody they wish to impress in a desperate, neurotic need for attention. Unfortunately, these phony people actually impress each other and end up producing ugly, noisy, gargoyle-like children. The genetic deformities inherent in the hideous smiles of their children only indicate the fact that they, like their parents, have NO FUTURES."
-Wesley, on the usefulness of dating

Rob: I thought everyone was going to the Dog's Bullocks?
Kyle: Well, no one's leaving yet.
Rob: Guess we'll have to pull the fire alarm to get everyone out. Why do we have to be the responsible ones all the time?
-On sparking a movement

Andy: Now if any of you are a renaissance scholar....yes, Rob.
Rob: Okay, when you say renaissance scholar, do you mean someone with an education of the renaissance, or a scholar from the renaissance? Because I'm pretty sure the latter is impossible without a time machine.
-On being wise beyond your years

Jordan: This is why I need a girlfriend.
Karina: Then mail order one.
Jordan: I don't think the post office accepts packages that big. Coincidentally, that same rule bans me from every post office in the continental United States.
Karina: What about Alaska and Hawaii?
Jordan: Too cold and I'm banned from Hawaii for other reasons.
-On special deliveries

Dave (emerging from his room): What time is it?
Oli: 12.
Dave: ...which 12?
-After a big night out