College Quotes

Mark: So the cop said that he was arresting me for being drunk and disorderly and I said, "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE DRUNK AND DISORDERLY!" and I punched him in the face. Then he maced me, hosed me down, hit me with his nightstick (which broke my iPod), and took me to jail.
Jolie: Aww, he broke your iPod?
-On worst case scenarios

"I had a gigantic argument with my best friend over whether your dog is called a Bichon Frise or just a Bichon. I ground his face into the carpet and felt so empowered when I won."
-Coury, gettin' her bitch on

Prof B: ...And no internet speak or insulting language.
Teacher's Pet Girl: Yeah, if you do that you shouldn't even be in college! Idiots!!
Prof B: And the paper is 2000 words...
Teacher's Pet Girl: (whining) But that's so much! I have a final in another class next week can't it be shorter?
-On working hard at not working

Molly: I just hope I come into some cash soon. I mean, if I'm gonna start my own baking business, I guess you could say I'll... knead... the dough?
Andrea: Oh my God. I threw up a little just now... and I'm not sure if it's because I'm proud or appalled.
-On rising prospects

Margaret: We have a lot to carry inside.
Margaret's Mom: Alright Margaret, we can handle it. Unless we all have a breakdown at the same time, which is not allowed.
(10 seconds later)
Margaret's Mom: I'll go first.
-On scheduled meltdowns, which are allowed

Michelle: You know what's weird? I haven't felt horny at all this week.
Mike: (takes off his shirt) What about now?
Michelle: Still no.
Mike: (takes off his pants) Now?
Michelle: Definitely not now.
-On anti-stimulus plans

Emma: Jesus Andrew! It's boiling in here! It's not hot shower time, you know! Why didn't you take a cold shower?!
Andrew: I'm sorry, I don't like freezing my balls off in the shower.
Emma: Man up then!
Andrew: Have you ever frozen your balls off in the shower?
Emma: Yes I have as a matter of fact!
Andrew: Do you think we could continue this conversation at a later time, like say, when I'm not naked?
-On awkward pauses

Sam: Wait you thought I liked girls? Why?
Natalie: Well let's see... your nails, your shoes, and... and that is the gayest tattoo I have ever seen.
-The writing's on the wall

M: Gotta love the ladies, man. Hey Stuart, how many mistresses do you thin you'll have?
Stuart: Um, it depends if I work internationally.
-On the business of career sex

Leeny: Wow. That is a nice toilet.
Molly: Yeah, it is. Um, do you wanna maybe look at it when I'm NOT sitting on it, though?
-House-sitting and admiring the goods

Professor H: Here at Southern Methodist University, we sometimes get calls from the crazies.
Linds: I LOVE THE CRAZIES!
Professor H: You are one of the crazies.
-Spicing up an OChem lecture

Eason: We're gonna rape this challenge. We're gonna fuck it's shit up for a change.
Kirsty: No one tested me back. Fucking pussies!
(12 hours later)
Kirsty: I woke up with the shakes.
Eason: I think I broke my vagina.
-On Century Challenge Night

TJ: I'm no longer hung over! God Bless my metabolism. Fuck it for making me super hungry all the time, but bless it now.
Cata: Poor you, eating all the time and never gaining weight. Drinking all you want without hangovers. That's awful. Really.
TJ: You will never know my pain. I only get full at all-you-can-eat places. I've fucking been asked to leave a buffet, Catalina. It's just like lasting a long time in bed: highly coveted, yet a big hassle in general. Regardless, I'm rewarding my metabolism by getting fucked up by 2pm today.

"Make it back to campus damn it. I need you to hump random people in the background so I look chivalrous in comparison."
-TJ, on why the fuck Jamie isn't around

Joe: Did you watch the NBA draft?
Frank: No, I don't like watching drafts.
Joe: I like watching sports drafts. I'm kinda pissed I missed the NFL draft.
Frank: Why?
Joe: Because watching black people succeed in life makes me feel happy.
-On simple rights pleasures