College Quotes

Aileen: I finished peeling the carrots, and I must say, my work is exemplary.
Molly: Yeah, your peeling of carrots may be exemplary, but your performance and attitude certainly are not.
-On the carrot topper

Professor S: Can you make some photocopies for me? I have to go tuck in my shirt.
Ariel: Sure.
-Too much information?

Coury: He said sex just hasn't been a great experience, even though he's had a lot of girlfriends. I don't know if that means I should just accept that it probably won't happen, or if I should try to show him sex the way I experience it.
Lexy: You know how when you go skiing there's the bunny slopes where you just give a little hop and you're good? Then there's the medium slope, not too bad, but then you hit expert. On expert you have to like steer, and jump, and it's really fast and really dangerous? People that aren't experienced can really hurt themselves.
Coury: Yeah...?
Lex: For the love of god, Cor, PLEASE don't send that kid down the expert slope.
-When sex goes downhill

R: I'm not sure I appreciate that.
S: What are you gonna do about it?
R: I'm going to write you a strongly worded letter.
S: I'm gonna set your bed on fire.
R: That is more effective than a strongly worded letter...
-On fanning the flames

(Rent-A-Center commercial comes on)
C: Matt do you rent your center?
S: He rents the center of his center. Then he centers his center in the center of his center.
C: ....Whoa.
-Getting to the core issue

Jess: Dude, seriously, I would punch you in the face if I didn't know that you actually LIKE getting smacked around.
James: You remembered that about me? I'm touched.
Jess: Not lately.
-Saying no to the harmless but slightly creepy guy

"Alright, who here is from Canada? One person? You? Okay, well, Happy Thanksgiving."
-"Professor" Bo Deng, in heavy Korean accent at the beginning of a Calculus 2 class

"Ugh. That makes me so mad it makes me want to go to the bathroom!"
-A girl walking furiously with a friend, looking behind her (I really wish I knew what she was talking about)

Asad: Why is Evan's sister relevant?
Joe: Is she good in bed?
Evan: Ask Jason.
-Why the Jamaican kid gets

Austin: So I'm an enabler because I brought a 6-pack to a hockey night for anyone to drink?
Matt: No, you're an enabler because you told me if I chugged that 40, you'd buy me another one.
Austin: That's not enabling, it's a personal challenge.
-Redefining the alcoholic reward system

K: I wonder how much she charges for the night.
M: Wow, she could be somebody's mom.
Random guys running past the woman yelling: Hey Mom!!
-After a random middle-aged woman dressed in stilettos and a mini-skirt with overdone makeup and bleach blonde hair walked by

Kristain: It's 11am on a Wednesday. Why are you buying a 5 liter box of wine?
Bee: I don't understand the question.
-Thinking inside the box

Aaron: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Kim: Sunny side up.
Finola: Unfertilized.
Kim: Oh...
-Game over

Molly: I have someone coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Please try not to embarrass me.
Molly's Dad: Oh we won't do that. You'll do that yourself.
Molly: What the hell?!
-On the root of the problem

Chris: That old bearded cunt.
Kim: Who?
Chris: God, the big high almighty prick. More miracles have come out my ass, thanks to him. Next time, I'm praying to Allah.
-On finding the right fit