College Quotes

Ariel: Woah. You're higher than I am. What are you on?
Random Woman: Jesus!
Ariel: Cool. Got anymore?
-Ariel, stoned and mistaking a church revival for a circus tent

Al: If we were stranded on a desert island I bet I could get you to suck my dick. YOU'D BE THIRSTY AND I'D BE THE MILKMAN!!!
Katie: Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant.
-Al, failing yet again

Boosey: Picture her as some butter.
Doyle: Butter?
Boosey: What you gotta do is become a knife... but she's one of those girls that you gotta warm up to it... you know what I'm saying... it's going to be a ton easier with a hot knife. So in the end, buy Viagra.
Doyle: Oh yeah dude, good point..... wait... what?
-On buttering her up properly

"Dumb traffic... it's going too fast for us to do anything, and too slow for us to get to the movie on time."
-Josh, talking his girlfriend while stuck in traffic

Pastor Short, Campus Crusader: I don't think you're trying hard enough. Would you rather go out, get drunk, and get laid on Saturday night, or go to church on Sunday morning?
Jeff: Whether or not I get laid on Saturday night determines if I need to go to church on Sunday.
Pastor Short: Really?
-On religious forthcomings

Nina: I could never understand someone robbing an old lady.
Ryan: It's just work, ya know? They have completely different faces, I learned that back when I used to prostitute.
Nina: ...What? You were a prostitute?
Ryan: Yeah, I used to be a prostitute but it was like 5 years ago.
Nina: Umm... so let me get this straight, you were a 15-year-old male prostitute... used to be.
Ryan: Yeah.
Nina: How?
Ryan: I used to finger middle schoolers for like 4 bucks a pop, 6 for fat chicks. And it was a high traffic business too, I had at least 3 regular customers... monthly.

Giles: Why don't you like fries?
Frank: Because when I was growing up in China, the fries there would cut up the roof of your mouth and were really salty which means after you eat them, your whole mouth just hurts. It's psychological conditioning. Like if you get raped when you're a little kid, you're just not going to trust men.
Giles: You are a terrible person.
Frank: Well, now that I've gotten my rape joke out of the way, I'm going back to bed.
-On the wake and bake chat

"Basically the Lewis and Clark expedition was a big multicultural clusterfuck."
-Professor Hickey, on major historical undertakings

"I don't make sense. I make love."
-Paul, campaigning on the confusion tip

"I can't hang out with Steve any more. Seeing him with his kid almost makes me think of him as human."
-T, on reputation killers

Eric: This is a game store right?
GameStop Guy: Uhhhh, yeah.
Eric: Well how about this. How about I buy a bunch of games, but instead of paying you in money, I pay you in tales of adventure.
GameStop Guy: Uhh....... No, sorry can't do it.
Eric: But you thought about it. I'm gonna count that as a win.
-On successful mind games

"I had the broest moment ever with Sexel and Tyler. Some girl told me to put my pants on and they weren't even off, so I pulled them off and told her to deal with it. Then I looked behind me and Sexel and Tyler had their pants off so I was like, 'What are you guys doing?' And they said, 'Solidarity man, we're not letting you stand alone.' They're true bros, man."
-Frank, on down-ass friends

Giles: So I might be going to Oslo in May.
Frank: What for?
Giles: Conference.
Frank: Oslo, that's Sweden right?
Giles: Norway.
Frank: Still, Scandinavian chicks. Giles, you know what Scandinavian chicks mean?
Giles: Not really.
Frank: They're like the Asian girls of Europe. But bigger boobs.

"Drink the shoe polish and shut up!"
-Hunter, feeding the drunken frenzy

Susie: Wait, so if a kid kills himself, but no one likes him, it's okay?
Professor Collins: YES!
-Discussing Utilitarianism