College Quotes

"Jake, I hope you're the only man I ever say this to... But ever since I left you yesterday, I've been walking funny."
-D, on intense leg workouts with the trainer... maybe

Jess: I could really go for McDick's right now..
Red Dave: You know McDonald's is like an ex-girlfriend... You only think of her late at night when you're drunk; you know it's a bad idea and you'll regret it in the morning; your friends all try to talk you out of it, but you go ahead and do it anyway.... Who are you texting?
Toni: My ex... what?!? She's my kind of Happy Meal!!
-On why cellphones should come with breathalyzers

Amanda: I heard that Jon Gosselin has his own cologne.
Xavier: Who would want to smell like him?
-On a potential new scent for Ed Hardy douchebags

Adam: Dude, why are you naked?
Damien: Dude, stop staring at my balls!
Adam: Don't change the subject.
-Adam, confused as to why Damien was sitting alone in a chair in the middle of a dark room

Guy 1: The guy that taught me to make dough told me the bottom was the asshole, so push everything into the asshole. See how my asshole is nice and tight?
Guy 2: My asshole is too big....
-Overheard at a pizza shop where two guys were making dough

Frank: Did that guy say he was French?
Max: Yeah. He's an exchange student.
Frank: Where's his white flag?
-On essential school supplies

"I may not look like I'm doing anything, but on the molecular level, I am VERY BUSY!"
-Dr. E, on excuses that only work in the Biology department

Bob: Hey man, what went on at the family reunion last night?
Peter: Man, you hooked up with this girl, and dude she was "hot"!
Bob: Describe her to me man, I was too wasted, I don't remember.
Peter: Long hair, big tits, kinda looks like your aunt, but younger.
Bob: Do you have a picture?
Peter: Yeah, here look.
Bob: Oh....... Oh... My...God!!
Peter: What's wrong?!
Bob: I feel like in Arkansas that was my cousin.
Peter: That's what you call keeping it in the family.

Mark: Dude I'm gonna go back there and beat those bitches asses for jumping me.
Joe: Why dude? Why?
Mark: Self-satisfaction, bro.
Joe: Yeah I achieve that jerkin' it in the shower, not gettin' my ass beat twice.
-On the trouble with the male ego

C: You know, one of these days he's going to bring a girl upstairs. What the hell are we going to do then?
M: I ain't scared. Think of it this way: we've got four fucking staircases in this house... if he thinks of bringing a bitch home we can play chutes and fucking ladders with her!
-The best laid plans of overprotective big sisters

Sarah: That's what you get for being the W word.
Bee: A whore?
Evan: No, a woman.
-On possible same differences

"If I get one more STD, I swear to God, man!"
-One frat boy to another, leaving the university health clinic

"These freaking plates! They're always in my way! Look at me! I'm a plate! And I'm in the way!"
-Amanda, bordering on the metaphorical

Amanda: That boy was like 17. He's still in high school. How do you know him?
Coury: .....
Amanda: Really? Come on. He's not really cute, he's annoying, and he has to be home for curfew before you've even finished getting ready to go out. Why in hell are you having sex with him?
Coury: He drives a '74 Nova.
Amanda: ....
Coury: He restored it himself!
-Every woman has her price

Joe: So she said she was comin' straight over after work. So I lit some candles, put on the leather thong, cowboy boots and hat. I heard her pull up and got all ready. Then I heard running up the stairs and a little kid's voice as her son opened the door and I went diving into the bedroom to change clothes in a frenzy. She fuckin' picked her kid up first, dude!
Hicks: Wow, sometimes the ways you fail amaze me.
-On jumping the gun