College Quotes

Thousands of dumb, funny, and amusing college quotes submitted daily by students everywhere and immortalized in one place for greater shame & reflection. Sort by school | Submit quotes »

Gordon: I must rescue you from the land of the dancing pixies!
Susanna: What?
Gordon: The man who sells bicycles in the backyard will try and stop me.
Susanna: What the hell are you talking about?
Gordon: Sniffly bananas.
-On the twists and turns of sleep-talking

Other

"I'm all for homosexuality! If there is one woman for every man then I get two!"
-Professor Hollabaugh, on surplus inventory

Other

Frank: If you accidentally kill Lydia, you could become the Thane of Solitude and you get a follower who's Jordis the Sword Maiden. She looks exactly like Lydia except she's blonde. Her voice acting is better and so much softer so when she says, "I am sworn to carry your burdens," it doesn't come out all sarcastic and shit. She's in every way better than Lydia but you're just like, "No, this isn't right, she's not Lydia, I want Lydia back."
Rafi: Dude, you sound so much like an ex-boyfriend right now.
-On video game scenarios

McGill University

Police Officer: Alright, this party is now over. There's too many noise complaints, everybody please leave now.
Frank: Alright guys, let's move this party to my place. Party at my place!
Police Officer: Nope, no more parties in this building.
Frank: Nah, I live in a completely different building. You guys can come visit later.
-On legit after party invitations

McGill University

Dan: Sorry, I may have just let out a really huge fart.
Frank: Dan, there are 3 things--no wait--4 things a man should never apologize for. Burping, farting, masturbating, and showing up to shit late because Starship Troopers was on.
-On business as usual

McGill University

"This is happening whether you want it to or not, just lay back and enjoy the parts you can..."
-Jordan, on what we hope isn't a rape prologue

Xavier University of Louisiana

"How many of you have seen the stage production of Lord of the Rings? None of you? I rest my case."
-Professor N, on why you shouldn't try writing a fantasy play

McGill University

Molly: Every time I'm pulling an all-nighter and I'm so tired I want to just quit, I tell myself that I'm at a first class university. I'm studying what I love. I get to hear brilliant people talk about things that they're passionate about and I get to add my voice into the conversation.
Frank: Really? That's what you say to yourself?
Molly: Yeah. What do you say to yourself?
Frank: Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fucking fuck mother of fuck. Why the fuck did you not start this paper sooner you lazy piece of shit?
-On personal motivation strategy

McGill University

Kris: I want toenails, old HIV needles, barber shop hair, and Sprite.
Jordan: You're no longer allowed to vote.
Kris: Why not?
Jordan: You just voted for AIDS needles and Sprite. You can't eat needles and Sprite isn't even a food.
-Discussing "Chopped" tactics

Xavier University of Louisiana

Frank: So you finally watched "Band of Brothers."
Joe: Yeah. It's pretty good. I hated Ross as the training guy in episode 1.
Frank: Sobel? He ended up botching his own suicide. And when he did die, nobody went to his funeral.
Joe: Wait, Sobel the actual guy tried to shoot himself for being a dickhead or David Schwimmer tried to shoot himself for being Ross from "Friends"?
Frank: Well, the first but the second should apply too.

McGill University

Giles: So I have an idea for this paper about how chess reflects patricide. Like an Oedipal Complex thing. You're subconciously killing your father.
Frank: But you never actually capture the king.
Giles: Doesn't matter. The goal is to kill the king. To exert dominance over him and to replace him.
Frank: Like Game of Thrones.
Giles: Yes. When you play the game of chess, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.
Frank: Well no, you could draw.
Giles: Dammit, stop poking holes in my logic.

McGill University

Dave: Damn, UP is out patrolling like it's their job.
Jesse: It is their job.
Dave: Yeah, but they're actually doing it instead of eating donuts and shit.
-Walking by the University Police stoned

SUNY College at Brockport

"You don't go home and say, 'Well fuck that shit.' You say, 'Well no, mom, I disagree.'"
-Professor Ullom, on how people play different roles in real life

Vanderbilt University

"How do you expect me to get over him? Every time I look at my bed, there he is!! Goddamn cum stains!"
-Jessica, trying to get over a guy

Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts

"I think I got scoliosis of the liver."
-Dustin, while passing out in the floor

Gardner-Webb University
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