College Quotes

Natasha: Lois told me I look like a sexy housewife today.
Natasha's Mom: Yeah, you do look a bit like a MILF.
Natasha: ...I'm not sure how to respond to that.
-On consenting opinions

Scott: Being broke sucks dude.
Joe: You could always whore yourself out for money. Or candy.
Scott: Yeah, but I always end up owing at the end of the night.
-On digging deeper holes

Lois: There's plenty more fish in the sea y'know, Sarah.
Sarah: ...There's whales too.
-On the ocean half full

Guy 1: Man, I'm so sore.
Guy 2: What'd you do?
Guy 1: I carried a bear out of the woods last night, man.
Guy 2: Get out of here.
Guy 1: Naw, man, I'm serious, went hunting with my buddy and had to heave that thang outta the woods so it's mama wouldn't find it and come kill me.
-Two guys overheard discussing their weekend outside the student center

"The other day, I found out that I'm part Indian. Do you think that's why my eyes are so squinty?"
-Lynzee, on ethnic diversity

Girl in Car (in a slurred drunken voice): Can we have an extra taco?
Taco Bell Drive-Thru Guy: Sure .
Girl in Car: Thanks dollface.
Taco Bell Drive-Thru Guy: No prob, see you again in 35 minutes.
-On the obvious drive-thru diet

Meghan (via text): New days of the week, moanday, tongueday, wetday, threesumday, fingerday, sexday, suckday. Send to ten freaks or be cursed with bad sex!!!
Joe (reply): I would send this to 10 peeps if 1. I believed in being a tool, and 2. If I wasn't already cursed with no sex, so bad sex would be an improvement.
-On the universal slut cue

Leeny: What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Molly: Nothin', it's just... your hair.
Leeny: It looks funny?
Molly: Kinda. It looks like something out of Star Wars.
Leeny: What, like Princess Leia or something?
Molly: No, man, like... one of those creatures with the long swept back ears.
Leeny: What?! I am so... offended!
Molly: ...No offense.

Deep: I'm kicking your ass right now. I'm like the Egyptians and you are the Jewish slaves.
Reuben: Oh yeah, who's in the lead now?
Deep: Fuck, you've crossed the Red Sea. Now where's your mana?
-While playing Wii Sports

Natasha: Okay, Sarah is drunk and underage. We need to keep her away from the police.
Lois: Yeah, we need to keep her away from those fascist pigs!
Sarah: Why do they become pigs anyway? They're only gonna get eaten!
-Riddle me this?

Bryanna's Mom (walks in her room, sniffs): Why is your window open?
Bryanna: 'Cause it smells like pot in here.
Bryanna's Dad: Why would it smell like pot?
Bryanna: Pshh, to hell if I know.
-Pulling a fast one on the 'rents yet again

Zack: So did you guys like coordinate this, wearing the same Batman shirts?
Brooke: Nope!
Gabby: Totally by accident.
Brooke: Yeah, she just showed up at school with the same shirt on.
Gabby: Yeah, and I was like "OH MY GOSH, WE'RE WEARING THE SAME SHIRT."
Brooke: Yeah, it's weird how in tune we are.
Gabby: Yeah it is.... Are you stalking me?
Brooke: I WAS JUST THINKING THAT!
-Cut from the same cloth

Andre: I like your hard knees.
Amanda: Well ya know, I work hard on my knees.
-On some hard-knock knees

Stacy: I can't believe we are this drunk and doing it.
Tim: Ya babe.
Stacy: Is it in?
Tim: I was just going to ask you the same question...
-Houston, we have a problem

Professor C: The hooker in your Red Light District drawing looks like an old lady. She's old!
Random Girl: That just means experienced!
-Good call, defensive lineman