So You Pooped Your Pants

A 7-step guide to diagnosing the shit, cleaning it up, and preventing further self-crapping.

Even though nobody is going to admit it, we've all been there. Maybe you're alone, in class, or on national television; maybe you thought there'd be enough time to run to the crapper; or maybe you deemed that fart "safe." Unfortunately for you, your underpants (if you're wearing them), and those around you (if there are people around), you just shat yourself.

You may not need this guide right now, but you will later. So take note. Maybe even bookmark it. But listen and learn, people.

Step 1: Diagnose the Potential Shit

Man itching his butt through his jeans
Uhoh, that's not a lumpy wallet...
This is beyond important. Sometimes, a fart turns into a shit. Sometimes something that FEELS like a slimy turd is just a horrifically vile cloud of gas that SEEMS to be either solid or liquid. You need to be sure, because hopefully, this is a no-shit situation.

  • Some people claim to rub their buttcheeks together to check, but as I said before, sometimes a fart feels like a turd, and the other way around.

  • Whatever you do, don't stick your hand down the back of your trousers, feel around, then pull it out and sniff your fingers. If you do that and other people are around, it will only solidify their theory that you just crapped your pants. And if you didn't fill your shorts, your friends will think you're even weirder than they usually do.

  • Don't just go anywhere private, go to a bathroom. You might need easy access to water, paper, and a drain of some sort.

  • Now that you're alone, or at least out of public view, look at your pants, undies, and legs. If you see brown, green, or blackish streaks, you probably pooped your pants. (NOTE: Unless you are a person of color, this may not apply to you, so look extra carefully. Contrary to popular belief, it's not just white folks who get Montezuma's Revenge.)

  • If you've just farted but it felt like a poo, go ahead and try to force out a dump. You can never be sure. My poop rule is the same as my sex rule: "Better to be safe and boring than sorry and covered in shit."

Step 2: Shit Show Shame

Poop birthday cake brown icing
You can have your shame, just don't eat it too.
Understandably, you feel embarrassed. Only babies, old people, Michael Moore, Internet trolls, and Jersey Shore cast members doodoo in their drawers. And now you're included in that list.

  • Curse yourself. Why the hell didn't you just go to the restroom when you felt your tummy go runny? Why did you have to eat all the goll dang fruit?

  • This is also a good time to blame other people. You're as socially liberal as the next guy, but FUCK those fucking immigrants in the fucking kitchen where you just fucking ate. You know they take big junker shits, but never fucking wash their filthy fucking hands. Hands that touch your food! That's so gross. It's definitely their fault.

  • Don't stop the blame game there. It's also your friend's fault for putting the Ex-Lax so close to your candy. As you know, people with bowel troubles often get confused as to what's a laxative and what's a delicious sweet. Granted, most of these self-shitting citizens are over the age of 75, but now that you share a common bond of pooping your person, you likely share early onset Alzheimer's.

  • Blame Cortez, the Spaniard who effed up Mexico a few hundred years ago. The world may never know how much diarrhea comes from Mexico, Mexican food, Mexican water, or Mexican cooks, but you can guess that's a result of Montezuma's Revenge, the same diarrhea curse you get from eating too much Taco Bell.

Step 3: Clean Up Your Mess

Now that you're finished shaming yourself, take off your soiled underroos. Actually, if you still want to shame yourself, go ahead. I mean, who the fuck craps their pants? Gross!

  • Generally, I've, um, heard that most people who, um, shit themselves wipe a bunch of times. However, lately, I've just been jumping straight into the shower. (Oh shit! Did I really just type an admission of guilt? It's okay, most respectable fans quit reading a while ago.)

  • You want to make sure to remove all feces from your body. Not only does poop smell bad and contain unhealthy stuff like bacteria, viruses, and corn, but allegedly it makes your penis smaller. Or maybe that's something I've noticed the past few times. Anywho, a good scrub down WITH SOAP is in order.

Step 4(a): Decision Time

Some people zip past this stage, others take their time. I prefer to use a case-by-case basis. You've got big questions to ask yourself, starting with, "Should I throw out these underwear or not?"

  • First, how bad is the massacre in your unmentionables? It may surprise you, but if you crap out a hard log of a dump, that might make the cleanup and decision to keep your undies an easy one. Logs are usually pretty damn solid. On the other hand, a soupy poopy totally fucks shit up. From your undies, to your pants, even to your legs.

  • Next, it's time to do some ask yourself some serious, soul searching questions. Are they whitey tighties? Did your mom buy them? Did your girlfriend buy them? Are they your last pair? Do these Hanes have sentimental value?

  • If you're still confused and heartwrenched, check my answers to the above questions: toss ‘em (really hard to get brown out of white, even with extra-strength bleach); toss ‘em (sorry, Mom); toss ‘em if she's an ex-girlfriend or she sucks, keep ‘em if she's really hot or psychotic enough to monitor your underwear usage; keep ‘em; and keep ‘em (sentimental value of underpants keeps the world going ‘round).

  • NOTE! If the underwear was shitty before you shit them, go ahead and toss ‘em. That's my rule of thumb.

Step 4(b): Decision Time for Females

Girl picks her butt when she has a wedgie in her panties
Female readers may be wondering, "Hmm, the glorious KC Freeman didn't say anything about if I, a woman, brown myself." That's true, but as everybody knows, girls don't poop, so there's no logical reason to believe they could actually poop themselves. I hope I cleared that up.

Step 5: Follow-Up Questions

Now you need to find out WHY you shit your pants, and HOW you can avoid this tragedy yet again. Because if we don't learn from our messy, poop-related mistakes, we're bound to make them again. And let me tell you, that's a lesson best learned once—one which saves you from buying underwear all the time.

  • You really want to avoid crapping yourself (again). So let's look at what causes diarrhea. We've already talked about Mexican food, but did you know that almost any food from any minority can cause the Hershey squirts? The poopoo doodoos can come from Indian, Chinese, Thai, Latin, White Castle, Greek, Jamaican, probably African food, and sushi (wherever that comes from).

  • You may already know this, but homosexual food can also give you the screaming eagles. It's true. Gays wipe their butt-butts with their hands, and only wash their hands if they think they're going to touch something they eat. So if a gay man has touched your food, you're going to get diarrhea as well as the AIDS! It's okay. Just do what I do whenever a homo is near me, food-related or otherwise: pop three Immodium A-D (for the poops) and go to Planned Parenthood for a morning-after pill (for the AIDS). You'll be just fine.

Step 6: Excuses, Excuses

You've finally de-shitted yourself. Now you need to come up with a great reason why you promptly left your girlfriend's mother's funeral, your class, your office job, or your dentist appointment.

  • Honestly is NOT the best policy. Under pain of death, never reveal your horrible truth to another human. You can tell your dog or fish; they can keep secrets. Do not tell your cat, though. Cats are known to tell the first person they see that you cannot control your sphincter.

  • The bigger the lie, the easier the sell. Tell the people around you that your brother or uncle called. They're in fucking space. At the Mir space station. On a top secret superspy mission. And they needed your help. That will cover all your bases and make you seem extra-super-cool instead of extra-super-lame if they ever found out that you poop on yourself, not in a toilet.

  • Another pants-shitting excuse I've been waiting to use goes like this: "I saw that there's a gay person at this party/office/school/restaurant. Whenever I know a gay is near me, I masturbate furiously. That way, no matter how pretty his eyes are, since I've just ejaculated, I won't get another erection for at least two more weeks." If you use that one before me, tell me how it goes.

Step 7: Re-ASSimilation into Society

You're probably still weirded out that you crapped while standing. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. Even Obama, Babe Ruth, Ted Koppel, Kanye, Kenny Rogers, Barbara Streisand and "The Macho Man" Randy Savage all pooped their pants at one time or another. You're going to be alright.

  • Never tell anyone. Watch some CSI: Miami. This should give you ideas on how to clean your apartment so that no matter what, the evidence that your butthole disagrees with you will never be seen, even by those cool blacklights.

  • Eat lots of cheese. I heard on the news that cheese makes your poops more solid. Solid poop is easier to control. Especially if you're trying to throw it at somebody (but that's another article).

  • Avoid the place where you contracted the shitscreams. It sounds easy enough, but you'd be amazed how many times I end up back at IHOP. Silly me.

  • Forgiveness. Only you can forgive you. The next time you defecate in an actual toilet, DO NOT FLUSH! Turn around, stand up, and say a few words to your dung. I'm fond of something like, "You see, Poop, with the help of the Lord, self-mutilation, and anus-crunches (yet, another article) I defeated you. You, Poop, are my enemy. And I hate you. Now, you are where you belong—in my toilet, and not in my pants. Farewell, and I'll be sending more of your friends and family to meet you. In the toilet. Not in my pants. I'm over the stage in my life when I poop my pants. That last time, was the last time. For reals. So, fuck you, Poop. Go ruin somebody else's day. Goodbye."

Step X (Optional): If It Won't Stop Happening

Sometimes, all the care in the world won't stop you from crapping yourself. In that case, you can buy those adult diapers. They work really well and are fashionable and comfortable to boot. Plus, you can wash them after you poop in them, kind of like underwear.

So, good luck to you all. Make sure you email this guide to anybody you think has shit themselves or will shit themselves in the future. Use this article as a finger to the nose and show that person, "I'm so much better than you. I don't poop my pants like you do."

ENDNOTE 1: Or you can do what I did: print this article and put it into the backpack of every dude with a hot girlfriend. Then text, Facebook, or tell the girlfriend, "Your boyfriend was walking weird. Do you think he's into guy-on-guy anal, or did he shit himself?" Then point to this very article and convince her to dump him for you.

ENDNOTE 2: If you do this endnote thing, make sure you use a scissors and cut off the endnote part. You don't want the girl to know that you've framed her boyfriend. Or for the boyfriend to discover your evil plot.

ENDNOTE 3: I've since reread this piece, and realized that it may come across like I've actually crapped my pants past the age of 17 (like normal people), but that's simply not true. I've never pooped my butt. Ever.

More from PIC:

Gordon Dryfus's picture

hilarious deification digressions.

During middle school I went on a retreat with my church and tried to dispose of a pair of soiled long underwear by flushing them down the toilet, which lead to one of the chaperones having what they thought was the funniest story ever told about finding said soiled long underwear in a clogged toilet.

Kathryn Roitz's picture

Has anyone ever heard of a poo-painting? They're unique, personal works of art found mostly in fast-food bathrooms and truck stops. You left out the option of being proud of your shit, like so many i've encountered in my years of working at a truck stop. Instead of running to the bathroom to clean up, you run to the bathroom and finger-paint. I've seen flowers, stick figures, 'fuck you's, '____ was here's, etc. Turn something shitty into something civilized and elegant!

...i hate people.

Miguel's picture

Before I read this, I had a poo-scare. I was filing some paperwork when my co-worker comes in and starts talking. I didn't want to get up abruptly and be rude, but the squirts were happening then and there. Luckily my office has a personal bathroom just steps away and as soon as she was out of my office I did the shitleg shuffle and destroyed that toilet. No streaks. Damn you unpredictable farts!

@Kathryn: I saw a poo-painting once at a truck stop. not pretty at all. It was actually a family of stick figures in brown corn mess. One had a conversation bubble saying "FUCK YOU"

Kathryn Roitz's picture

What bothers me is have have seen some that obviously took a bunch of time and effort. Like poop replicates of van Gogh's Sunflowers. Why????

Gordon Dryfus's picture

It is not to question why
It is your butt
Doo doo or die
Painted the five thousand

ahhh!! funny :) i like that, the "shitleg shuffle"

Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny stuff KC, even if it did trigger most of my OCD "eeeeeeew" switches :) (poo-painting?! Humans are gross!

btw- if you have black streaks in your undies, you're passing blood and should get to a doctor (unless you're a vampire)

im blasian...

Gavin Pitt's picture

btw and addendum- the stuff that wasn't homophobic was funny, I mean. That riff on Gay people with AIDS was uncool dude, and not worthy of you. "Homo"?! Really?! I didn't let Boonstra get away with that and I'm surprised that I have to call you on it... WTF, man?!

KC Jayfree's picture

It's a comedy website. Sometimes, comedy or commentary, poetry or prose will offend people.

Gavin Pitt's picture

True, but that's what Boonstra said too. And I don't think either of you meant any real harm with your comments, but I don't think they're funny either. Saying "it's comedy" is no excuse; I could write a bunch of aboriginal jokes, but I don't, because that would be wrong. Same diff, dude.

KC Jayfree's picture

First off, don't compare this column or me to Boonstra and his work. This was a column called, "So You Pooped Your Pants," not "Gay People, We Don't Hate You Because You're Gay..." I made a few cracks, not an entire blog. I stand by that this is obvious satire all the way through, written without malice. It's unfortunate you're offended because I made some jokes about homosexuals, but I don't see you getting pissed off at the jokes in this column about illegal immigrants, or any number of jokes I've made in the past about women, fat girls, Korean children, Obama, the English, Irish, French, hippies, Canadians or the rest of the world. On top of that, I don't get on my period when you crack on America, Christianity or whatever the Hell else you write about. Go ahead and write a bunch of Aboriginal jokes and see if I care.

aboriginals are gay, and who cares what you think is funny. "it's comedy' is probably the BEST excuse for offending ppl. suck a dick, straight girls, or lesbos

Gavin Pitt's picture

I get that there was no malice KC; you're a good guy and you have a good heart.

I didn't have an issue with your jokes about fat girls, Koreans, Irish, English etc because I'm not one of them- but I am a Gay man reading these Gay jokes, written by a guy I consider a friend. I would have taken issue with your Korean articles if you'd called them "Gooks" and Irish if you'd called them "Micks". "Homo" is no different. I know you mean well and that this column is humorous college comedy, not Shakespeare, but people (me included) look up to you KC, and words like that don't do anything but cause hurt (which I know wasn't your intent). You're a sweet, funny guy and I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I couldn't let it stand.

Gavin is right, you crossed a line.

"So if a gay man has touched your food, you're going to get diarrhea as well as the AIDS!"

I definitely lost respect for you after reading that and the other stuff too.

It's beneath you, but then maybe not since you are defending it in the face of the offended demographic, making you even more wrong.

Kathryn Roitz's picture

Sara, not only is it a comedy site, it's a COLLEGE HUMOR site. As in it's targeted audience is college age students. Do you get on your high horse every time a jock in the cafeteria makes a gay joke at one of his friends? As I type this, on my facebook newsfeed, one of my college friends left his FB open on his computer and his friends changed his status to "I like taking cock. Will someone please come over tonight and fill up my butt?"...Sure, it's crude, but it's how they interact and it makes people laugh. You can never NOT offend someone. It's just kind of how life works. And if you have never offended someone, then you're probably an unhappy, lonely, well-meaning doormat.

Gay people have aids. Black people have aids, rob houses, and like chicken. Fat girls are lonely and will have sex with anyone. America is #1. America sucks. God is either fictitious or an asshole. Girls are either sluts or housewives. Jesus isn't real. Men are pigs. White people can't dance and are rich, over-privileged bigots. Get off your high horse.

If you've really "lost respect" for Casey after reading A HUMOR COLUMN on, home of the sacrilegious, sarcastic, horny, and crude, then maybe you shouldn't read this stuff. Jusssayin.

You crossed the line. I am a cat and I find it offensive you believe all felines to be blabbermouths and not able to withhold a secret. Especially a secret involving an embarrassing act such as excreting in ones pants. Cats are very loyal and your stereotype is blatantly false. That is not comedy sir, that is hurtful slander. I once looked up to you and respected you but those days are over now, I will not stand by and be mocked. As a side note my owner has pooped her pants twice.

....aww son of a bitch.

I just don't see why it's okay to ridicule everything, but we have to walk on eggshells for gay people. I'm sick of PC stuff.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

KC I read your "homosexual" material as concern troll, which doesn't make the homosexuals being described the joke. What's funny (where the absurdity lays) are the idiots who believe that every "homo"-sexual has AIDS might also believe that they can take the morning after pill to cure AIDS because they are fucking idiots, which is funny to me.

To other people out there, the narrator isn't always the author. Just sayin.

Urgent call of nature, something I do NOT want to mess with these days. Managed to get into the bathroom after hurriedly stripping, butt cheeks clenched tightly.

Took care of my business, got up to flush. Happily, did not shit anywhere, except in the toilet - and on my left sock. WTF??

A Niemiec's picture

Good God, whining from the man who constantly expresses his desire to deep-throat the cock of the author? A new low.

As Jack Nicholson said in The Bucket List, "Never trust a fart.."

laughed my ass off at this...i need to share it with my sister. she called to tell me about a fart that turned into "oops i crapped my pants".. It's just so funny when it happens at work-or at any age over 3 yrs old. =)