Even though nobody is going to admit it, we’ve all been there. Maybe you’re alone, in class, or on national television; maybe you thought there’d be enough time to run to the crapper; or maybe you deemed that fart “safe.” Unfortunately for you, your underpants (if you’re wearing them), and those around you (if there are people around), you just shat yourself.
You may not need this guide right now, but you will later. So take note. Maybe even bookmark it. But listen and learn, people.
Step 1: Diagnose the Potential Shit
Uhoh, that’s not a lumpy wallet… This is beyond important. Sometimes, a fart turns into a shit. Sometimes something that FEELS like a slimy turd is just a horrifically vile cloud of gas that SEEMS to be either solid or liquid. You need to be sure, because hopefully, this is a no-shit situation.
- Some people claim to rub their buttcheeks together to check, but as I said before, sometimes a fart feels like a turd, and the other way around.
- Whatever you do, don’t stick your hand down the back of your trousers, feel around, then pull it out and sniff your fingers. If you do that and other people are around, it will only solidify their theory that you just crapped your pants. And if you didn’t fill your shorts, your friends will think you’re even weirder than they usually do.
- Don’t just go anywhere private, go to a bathroom. You might need easy access to water, paper, and a drain of some sort.
- Now that you’re alone, or at least out of public view, look at your pants, undies, and legs. If you see brown, green, or blackish streaks, you probably pooped your pants. (NOTE: Unless you are a person of color, this may not apply to you, so look extra carefully. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not just white folks who get Montezuma’s Revenge.)
- If you’ve just farted but it felt like a poo, go ahead and try to force out a dump. You can never be sure. My poop rule is the same as my sex rule: “Better to be safe and boring than sorry and covered in shit.”
Step 2: Shit Show Shame
You can have your shame, just don’t eat it too. Understandably, you feel embarrassed. Only babies, old people, Michael Moore, Internet trolls, and Jersey Shore cast members doodoo in their drawers. And now you’re included in that list.
- Curse yourself. Why the hell didn’t you just go to the restroom when you felt your tummy go runny? Why did you have to eat all the goll dang fruit?
- This is also a good time to blame other people. You’re as socially liberal as the next guy, but FUCK those fucking immigrants in the fucking kitchen where you just fucking ate. You know they take big junker shits, but never fucking wash their filthy fucking hands. Hands that touch your food! That’s so gross. It’s definitely their fault.
- Don’t stop the blame game there. It’s also your friend’s fault for putting the Ex-Lax so close to your candy. As you know, people with bowel troubles often get confused as to what’s a laxative and what’s a delicious sweet. Granted, most of these self-shitting citizens are over the age of 75, but now that you share a common bond of pooping your person, you likely share early onset Alzheimer’s.
- Blame Cortez, the Spaniard who effed up Mexico a few hundred years ago. The world may never know how much diarrhea comes from Mexico, Mexican food, Mexican water, or Mexican cooks, but you can guess that’s a result of Montezuma’s Revenge, the same diarrhea curse you get from eating too much Taco Bell.
Step 3: Clean Up Your Mess
Now that you’re finished shaming yourself, take off your soiled underroos. Actually, if you still want to shame yourself, go ahead. I mean, who the fuck craps their pants? Gross!
- Generally, I’ve, um, heard that most people who, um, shit themselves wipe a bunch of times. However, lately, I’ve just been jumping straight into the shower. (Oh shit! Did I really just type an admission of guilt? It’s okay, most respectable fans quit reading a while ago.)
- You want to make sure to remove all feces from your body. Not only does poop smell bad and contain unhealthy stuff like bacteria, viruses, and corn, but allegedly it makes your penis smaller. Or maybe that’s something I’ve noticed the past few times. Anywho, a good scrub down WITH SOAP is in order.
Step 4(a): Decision Time
Some people zip past this stage, others take their time. I prefer to use a case-by-case basis. You’ve got big questions to ask yourself, starting with, “Should I throw out these underwear or not?”
- First, how bad is the massacre in your unmentionables? It may surprise you, but if you crap out a hard log of a dump, that might make the cleanup and decision to keep your undies an easy one. Logs are usually pretty damn solid. On the other hand, a soupy poopy totally fucks shit up. From your undies, to your pants, even to your legs.
- Next, it’s time to do some ask yourself some serious, soul searching questions. Are they whitey tighties? Did your mom buy them? Did your girlfriend buy them? Are they your last pair? Do these Hanes have sentimental value?
- If you’re still confused and heartwrenched, check my answers to the above questions: toss ‘em (really hard to get brown out of white, even with extra-strength bleach); toss ‘em (sorry, Mom); toss ‘em if she’s an ex-girlfriend or she sucks, keep ‘em if she’s really hot or psychotic enough to monitor your underwear usage; keep ‘em; and keep ‘em (sentimental value of underpants keeps the world going ‘round).
- NOTE! If the underwear was shitty before you shit them, go ahead and toss ‘em. That’s my rule of thumb.
Step 4(b): Decision Time for Females
JUST A WEDGIE, NOTHING TO SEE HERE. Female readers may be wondering, “Hmm, the glorious KC Freeman didn’t say anything about if I, a woman, brown myself.” That’s true, but as everybody knows, girls don’t poop, so there’s no logical reason to believe they could actually poop themselves. I hope I cleared that up.
Step 5: Follow-Up Questions
Now you need to find out WHY you shit your pants, and HOW you can avoid this tragedy yet again. Because if we don’t learn from our messy, poop-related mistakes, we’re bound to make them again. And let me tell you, that’s a lesson best learned once—one which saves you from buying underwear all the time.
- You really want to avoid crapping yourself (again). So let’s look at what causes diarrhea. We’ve already talked about Mexican food, but did you know that almost any food from any minority can cause the Hershey squirts? The poopoo doodoos can come from Indian, Chinese, Thai, Latin, White Castle, Greek, Jamaican, probably African food, and sushi (wherever that comes from).
- You may already know this, but homosexual food can also give you the screaming eagles. It’s true. Gays wipe their butt-butts with their hands, and only wash their hands if they think they’re going to touch something they eat. So if a gay man has touched your food, you’re going to get diarrhea as well as the AIDS! It’s okay. Just do what I do whenever a homo is near me, food-related or otherwise: pop three Immodium A-D (for the poops) and go to Planned Parenthood for a morning-after pill (for the AIDS). You’ll be just fine.
Step 6: Excuses, Excuses
You’ve finally de-shitted yourself. Now you need to come up with a great reason why you promptly left your girlfriend’s mother’s funeral, your class, your office job, or your dentist appointment.
- Honestly is NOT the best policy. Under pain of death, never reveal your horrible truth to another human. You can tell your dog or fish; they can keep secrets. Do not tell your cat, though. Cats are known to tell the first person they see that you cannot control your sphincter.
- The bigger the lie, the easier the sell. Tell the people around you that your brother or uncle called. They’re in fucking space. At the Mir space station. On a top secret superspy mission. And they needed your help. That will cover all your bases and make you seem extra-super-cool instead of extra-super-lame if they ever found out that you poop on yourself, not in a toilet.
- Another pants-shitting excuse I’ve been waiting to use goes like this: “I saw that there’s a gay person at this party/office/school/restaurant. Whenever I know a gay is near me, I masturbate furiously. That way, no matter how pretty his eyes are, since I’ve just ejaculated, I won’t get another erection for at least two more weeks.” If you use that one before me, tell me how it goes.
Step 7: Re-ASSimilation into Society
You’re probably still weirded out that you crapped while standing. It’s okay, it happens to the best of us. Even Obama, Babe Ruth, Ted Koppel, Kanye, Kenny Rogers, Barbara Streisand and “The Macho Man” Randy Savage all pooped their pants at one time or another. You’re going to be alright.
- Never tell anyone. Watch some CSI: Miami. This should give you ideas on how to clean your apartment so that no matter what, the evidence that your butthole disagrees with you will never be seen, even by those cool blacklights.
- Eat lots of cheese. I heard on the news that cheese makes your poops more solid. Solid poop is easier to control. Especially if you’re trying to throw it at somebody (but that’s another article).
- Avoid the place where you contracted the shitscreams. It sounds easy enough, but you’d be amazed how many times I end up back at IHOP. Silly me.
- Forgiveness. Only you can forgive you. The next time you defecate in an actual toilet, DO NOT FLUSH! Turn around, stand up, and say a few words to your dung. I’m fond of something like, “You see, Poop, with the help of the Lord, self-mutilation, and anus-crunches (yet, another article) I defeated you. You, Poop, are my enemy. And I hate you. Now, you are where you belong—in my toilet, and not in my pants. Farewell, and I’ll be sending more of your friends and family to meet you. In the toilet. Not in my pants. I’m over the stage in my life when I poop my pants. That last time, was the last time. For reals. So, fuck you, Poop. Go ruin somebody else’s day. Goodbye.”
Step X (Optional): If It Won’t Stop Happening
Sometimes, all the care in the world won’t stop you from crapping yourself. In that case, you can buy those adult diapers. They work really well and are fashionable and comfortable to boot. Plus, you can wash them after you poop in them, kind of like underwear.
So, good luck to you all. Make sure you email this guide to anybody you think has shit themselves or will shit themselves in the future. Use this article as a finger to the nose and show that person, “I’m so much better than you. I don’t poop my pants like you do.”
ENDNOTE 1: Or you can do what I did: print this article and put it into the backpack of every dude with a hot girlfriend. Then text, Facebook, or tell the girlfriend, “Your boyfriend was walking weird. Do you think he’s into guy-on-guy anal, or did he shit himself?” Then point to this very article and convince her to dump him for you.
ENDNOTE 2: If you do this endnote thing, make sure you use a scissors and cut off the endnote part. You don’t want the girl to know that you’ve framed her boyfriend. Or for the boyfriend to discover your evil plot.
ENDNOTE 3: I’ve since reread this piece, and realized that it may come across like I’ve actually crapped my pants past the age of 17 (like normal people), but that’s simply not true. I’ve never pooped my butt. Ever.