1. If we slept together and haven’t spoken in over two months, please throw my number in the trash.

2. If you wrote my number on the stall of a men’s room, please dispose of it in the recycling so others will reuse it.

3. If I haven’t responded to your last seven texts, please dispose of my number in the compost and watch it disintegrate for the next eight years (and do continue texting me. Compost is a slow process).

4. If you pulled my number out your ass and/or bled on it, please dispose of it in the sanitary napkins bin.

5. If you spat while going down on me, please throw my number into the ocean with the rest of the wet seaweed.

6. If you take longer than 3 hours to respond to texts, please dispose of my number in the mailbox and wait 4 days for it to arrive.

7. If you hacked into my bank account, please destroy my number in the paper shredder.

8. If you gave me HPV, please wipe your butt with my number so you learn what pain in that department feels like.

9. If you think the pull-out method is adequate birth control, please use my number as a condom and see how the next girl you sleep with reacts.

10. If your name is Jack, please treat my number like you do everything else and litter it on the curb and stomp all over it.

11. If your name is Matt, please blow your nose with my number and then leave it on my desk so I can get sick with your germs yet again.

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12. If your name is Chris, please memorize my number in under 15 seconds and then remind me again why you’re way smarter than I am.

13. If your name is Pete, please dispose of my number in a bonfire and also consider jumping in yourself.

14. If your name is James, please throw my numbers in your dirty clothes hamper, and then proceed to actually wash your clothing for once.

15. If your name is Mark, please delete my number from your phone but have it tattooed on your arm so that you also have a searing image of me forever, much like the one I have of you sleeping with my sister.

16. If your name is Danny, please chew my number up and swallow it to commemorate the time you ate my roommate’s birthday cake before her party.

17. If your name is Ben, please consider calling again.

18. If you accidentally threw my number in the wrong bin, it’s 646-644-1930. Try again.

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