How to Write a Great Suicide Note

If you're going to kill yourself, at least do it in literary style.

By Blane Strahan

I quit - suicide note

Do you want to kill yourself one day? Of course you do! With this being the beginning of another academic year for college students, why wait for the pressures of finals to get here when you can get it over with now and open up an additional spot in that worthless class of yours.

But hold on just a sec, don’t go and take a bath with an electric blow dryer just yet you crazy bastard. You have some unfinished business to take care of, which of course is writing a good suicide note. Wait no, a great suicide note. This is of extreme importance because the note you leave behind to your roommates will be the standard to how they will remember you, and will be the lasting impression you leave on this world. Below are guidelines on how to write a suicide note that would make any English major proud.

Guideline #1: Be extremely brief

No one wants to read a drawn out letter that just goes on and on. And most likely, you are probably not that interesting. So, in the letter simply get right to the point, you’ll always leave them wanting more.

Guideline #2: Be funny

Just because you’re writing a suicide note doesn’t mean you can’t have a sense of humor about it. Incorporate a joke or witty remark into your note. Here is one I might go for:

Guideline # 3: Be cool about it

How awesome would it be to know that even though you ended your life, you could still be really smooth about it. Here's what you should go for:

Guideline # 4: Be mysterious

Chances are, the person reading your note is going to want to know where your body is. Do something cool, like draw up a treasure map to where your body is with “X” marking the spot. Or do something as simple as this:

Guideline #5: Have your note serve a purpose

After a suicide, people inevitably start blaming others and themselves for the misfortune. However, you can free all of your close friends and family of the guilt that it might've been their fault, and at the same time, help better society.

What am I talking about?

I’m saying you need to blame your tragedy on specific people, places, and things in society in your suicide note. This way, the blame will be placed directly on whoever was mentioned in the letter, and people will take strict action and put a stop to it.For example, write in your letter that you killed yourself because Tom Cruise simply would not shut the fuck up, or say that you simply could not live in a world where the show “That’s So Raven” is able to remain on the air.

Here is a list of other people, places, or things to blame your suicide on, and help rid the world of these nuisances:

  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • The WNBA
  • Vegans
  • New Jersey
  • Any “Body By Jake” product
  • The Lifetime Channel
  • France
  • White Chicks on VHS
  • White Chicks on DVD

Guideline #6: Leave the number for Domino's Pizza at the bottom of the note with tip money

Let’s say hypothetically that it was your turn to cook dinner that night, but now, you’ve left your roommate’s in the kitchen hanging, while you’re out hanging from the tree in the back yard. At least now they have a plan for dinner and call the pizza man. You will be remembered and thanked for this. When your friend says a few words on your behalf, he will say “I will never forget the day my friend took his life. It was a Tuesday and we were able to order the 555 deal from Domino’s. We all got different toppings and you wouldn’t believe how much it hit the spot. Wait, what was I talking about before?”

Guideline #7: Specify how you want your funeral

Your funeral is like your last big party here on earth. You should be able to have it your way, just like Burger King! I personally want an 80’s themed funeral, with the song “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money” blasted as my casket is rolled out of the church. I can’t wait! You all better be there.

More suicide articles: 

Tips on Writing a Suicide Note »
How to Commit Suicide the Right Way »
The 10 Best Songs to Commit Suicide To »

More from PIC:

The first note was the funniest thing I've ever read on this website. That or I'm a sick fuck. Awesome.

Hey, I just want to know... can I combine #'s 5 & 6... (just like a pizza) ... blame my suicide on Dominoes while I order a pizza from them? (delivery... not pick up?)

hey!!!!!!!!! don't blame dominos instead u can blame some govt. policies which are not having right prospects so that govt. can think to change them and it can help many ............. one more advice, plzzzzzzzz think once more before suiciding.... b'coz its' a saying that only cowards and foolish people suicide......

cowards and foolish people? you're an idiot. i'm sure you have a tiny penis if you are a man and if you are female you are likened to the image of shrek. my uncle killed himself and he was niether a coward or a fool. Think before you type you dumb mother fucker

so funny



Well, we sure as hell know it wasn't copied from you.

If only there were some sort of RULES we could use in order to string words together in sentence form to make them readable...gra...gram...oh, that's right, it's GRAMMAR!

Go Study on up that.

hurry up die, kthx

Wow, it's sad when you think you can get away with stealing this from one of the most popular webpages on the internet.

You stole this from a writer named Maddox.

I've send this to him also, I'm sure him and his lawyers will send you a nice letter.

he probably stole it from someone else who stole it from someone else who stole half of it from someone else who stole that from his friend who stole it from a group of people who were high on drugs.

this is the gayest thing i've ever seen and it should be REMOVED i can't believe you sick people would write something this horrible this is trash you are all pieces of shit

shut up its a joke u dumb fuck

awwww... is it ?

I totally agree with you Barb, this is obviously a joke but its also very insensitive and warped, the people who think this is funny are very immature and are clueless to the severity of suicide. This is not cool guys, I just hope you can understand why someday.

hey buddy...
relax because if some one its going to suicide and look for something like this but real will probably find this thing and laugh...

the worst thing that can happen its that the guy already kill himself, but he was already going to do it...

Hope to people understand about the severity of suicide, no thanks, because the only way its commiting suicide or some one close to them, and thats not a good experience, and i know it (im hanging in mi garden while a writhe, jaja)...

So relax bro (or sis)...

i'm planning my suicide and this does not make me laugh at all, it actrally makes me feel worse knowing that people think that suicde notes and suicide is a joke. i hope you get killed!!

shut up,dude.people are trying to die here.

wowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! u r encouraging people to die .u have no sense. stupid . need some mental treatment before u do suicide so that u don't worry god

wow, what? if people are ready to kill themselves they don't give two shits about god.
they care more about your grammar and general you-speak-like-an-idiot-ness

You seem to lack a sense of humor. I'm sucidal and was looking for how to hang yourself properly (to constict blood flow cuz strangulation sucks) and this made me laugh. I'm pretty sure everyone is aware that suicide is bad. There's no need to go around calling people names.

internet will teach u tie the knot and drop length

Yo that's da shit right there!! Kak funny...I just hope that this is really a joke coz if it isn't then who ever wrote this needs serious help... It's kinda sad to know that there are people out there who make a joke out of this suicide thing and are actually encouraging it

this actually came in handy. i have to write a suicide note for a show that i'm doing and i couldn't believe that there were actually references on how to do it correctly on the internet. i know you're getting a lot of crap for posting this, but it actually helped me out! no, i'm not actually going to kill myself, but theatrically this was really convenient!

cut the self-serious emo bullshit people, this is one of funniest things ive read on the internet in a long time. good job dude, its not your fault this pissed off people who constantly threaten suicide to get attention.

Fuck yeah dude! That's funny and well writen. These Emo mother fuckers need to lighten up maybe have a laugh every once in a while. They're the ones that are always making a joke out of suicide by faking it. If you're going to kill yourself you might as well make it funny. You should write another one titled funny ways to kill yourself. I'm not even high and I'm still laughing. If you don't think this is funny you need to see the reference at the top of this page and get to work on your own note. You already know what i think you should do when you're finished.

fuck off. if you was in peoples shoes u would shut the fuck up. and anyway why take the piss out of people who might need this website ass hole. Get a fucking life and for one think how people might feel u jerk.


He, bored on a Friday night? yep... Can't belive there are sites for this. Anywho, as a laugh, what an hilarious set of statements, let i remind others that there are many out there who may be offended - Ian curtis for instance

I'm all for euthanasia (no doubt spelt wrong) etc in certain cirmcumstances but weigh up your options if you're abit below par in the intelliegence department, weigh up your options.

What the hay, lets av ago at it though,

To the family: thanks for your love - without it, I would've done this sooner

Friends: those who were true friends, thanks - the rest of the people i have known may aswell die too

Work: I'm not too fond of overworking but i never did that, so thanks Acacio for being a decent boss

Women: any women i have dated or gone out with should not feel guilt, its nothing to do with 'you' as a collective or you(s) individually.

Bills through the door (the rest of life): You're the reason i hate the commute to work, I CAN'T fuckin' afford your rail fares to get to work and I'm too green and in a sense, dont feel the need to get raped by the crap that goes with cars - so fuck off and stop putting up rail fares you idiotic wankers. recieving the post which includes bills etc, YOU'RE TO BLAME!!!

Bah, i have no intention though i did as a dumb kid perhaps but its the real things in lfe you gotta deal with, like an elected obama, fighting for change - has he appointed clinton as his... whatever yet. Those are the things to die for, YOU'RE RIGHT. If you voted for Obama because of change, bit shit that a clinton is in the administation, innit?

Okay. Wow. Thats not even funny.. Someone could be really depressed.. and that could have just made them want to kill themselves even more... I use to cut and try to kill myself. I hope this gets removed.. I think you should grow up. ITS NOT FUNNY!

Hurry up and try again you self righteous fuckwit!!! Just make sure that you don't fuck it up!

Your a scumbag dude......really

Dude..Okay,I was no lie,sitting here crying,depressed,whatever,my husband is gone in Afghanistan,I screwed a lot of things up,and I was seriously googleing suicude notes.This shit did not make me more depressed I got the biggest laugh out of it.It kind of helped me from making a huge mistake!

that's pretty fucked up that you wouldve done that to your husband. jokes aside.

I don't know dude, I'm quite sure I'm gonna kill myself tommorow, but these are hilarious. If someone is serious about suicide they will most likely do it regardless of some random joke they found.

this makes me sad. my friend just hung herself last week, and here people are making fun of it. I know it's a joke, but it really isn't funny.

Im sorry for what happened to your friend. You have my condolences.

I hate “evil” jokes like this one, ’cause they’re just plain sick. So get a life and you won’t have to worry about making your own stupid letter.

shut up its a joke u dumb fuck

i really going to kill myself and i think im going to put some of these things in my note

I really hope you didnt do what you said you were gonna do. Please reconsider what your doing.....your taking your life over something that can be fixed with good therapy. I know how you feel because im currently contemplating suicide due to stress. I just hope im not too late at trying to help you.

Yea i like it suicide is great go ahead and do it hey if your so fucking depressed id do it i would do it right now but my mom is up,, i have some songs in line for my funeral and maybe blame some people to just piss them off,, fuck the world like seriously

i might go to hell but hell is on earth whats the fuckin difference you stupid people,,, i swear im 22 and how can i live till like 80 adn deal with life oh im done

and yea people there are mental people out there so depressed and in despair that you dont even fucking know people dont fuckin get it cause of despair

Bloody oath this is funny, people. If you can't make light of something such as suicide then how are you ever going to find anything funny in life if all you do is take everything seriously? Boring!
You've only got one life - and one death, so why not leave something witty at the end as a last momento? Break from the monotony of life that others give you and take a chance on being yourself - what do you care what anyone would think anyway, after you're dead?

Stop your whining and enjoy!

(keep 'em coming!)

I now know how to write a suicide note! Thanks for the help all! I can appreciate the humor, and intend to carry on! Peace out! Ha ha 'cuz I know that my family sure won't! Lmao wow drugs are amazing!!

Thanks for the help. even though I am gone I am sure everyone will remember me.

lol funny

sounds like someone needs to get laid instead of makin weak ass long jokes. I could have a sex with three girls in the time it took me to read the whole thing. Thanks!

There is 2 possibility here, you cum in about 2 minutes everytime, or you can

wow, you're either really lame in bed, or you're a really slow reader, like pre-pre-school slow

good comeback dudes

Thanks for writing this, it points out the irony of writing a suicide note before your about to kill yourself. If I did I could put just about anything because I will be dead anyway. However sometimes I think about my family whom I prefer not to hurt. If I were to kill myself I would want to make it as discreet as possible. I contemplated doing it in the middle of nowhere and leaving a note saying that I left so they would just think I left them. But when I think about it leaving them looking for me forever, it might be worse for them. I know this sounds selfish but truthfully they would have better long term consequences without me.
Does anyone have any suggestions about how a person could commit suicide with the thoughts and feelings of those he left behind in mind?

i want to write one myself. i was on probabtion and have been doing everything the last three years to keep within the law.. so far i had and was about to get off probation and have everything taken off my record. then this came up.. i got pulled over for having no insurence when my mom said she was paying it since i'm going to college. in other words. i fixed my life together been going to school for three years... in school now.. have met the love of my life and am probably instead of living it all out about to be alone in jail for five years the last three years not mattering. i'm considering committing suicide instead. i'm not a depressed person at all. i'm very happy.. i don't want to live my life like that and would rather go peacefully. i like this site it was funny and gave me ideas. take care

So ummmm you dead yet?

HAHAHAHA! THE THIRD EXEMPLE IS THE BEST ONEEE!!! I think I would really do that if I had to kill myself

you sick ass motherfucker.

u think its all funny dont u, well wait till my family sees me on the news (bloke died this afternoon, he ran his car into an oncoming train). you think theyll be laughing too - seeya in hell (life sux) why grow old when u can die young...


Next Statistic...

Very funny and highly original, could'nt stop laughing!

This is great! At first I wasn't going to leave a note. Then I composed one of those long sappy drawn out ones. TKS to this now I'm working on something with a bit more levity. They are gonna love this! BTW: I'm pretty much terminal and really have just enough strength emotionally and physically to make it through the day for now. I'm going out on my own terms. TKS! You've been a great audience! Be sure to tip your wait staff!


Jesus Christ its a joke. why don't you depressed whinny emotional pussys quit bitching about a harmless joke, pick the knife back up and finish the job (remember vertical cuts not that across "cry for help"bullshit) this is the biggest group of bleeding heart pansy faggots I've seen on the internet to date, and that goes double for you xXxripmyheartoutxXx. I'd bet my next paycheck that his bitch ass has never gotten his dick wet lol. I am so scared for the future.....

o_o so much drama....jesus, if you're gonna kill yourself, kill yourself. and those who want to keep living, laugh as much as you want at this funny shit. problem solved.

dear you the careless person,

I hate my life. waking up to umpalumpas stroking my soft skin. every time i poop it hurts so i have decided to kill myself. All the aliens that keep abducting me always do surgeries on my body. All the Fags in the world wont stop touching my privates. And the monkey in my closet that shits in his hand and throws it at me..... it stinks really bad it almost fells like im dieing of stink..... so why should i live this life with all that oh forgot to mention my dog he rapes me..... im so anorexic that i cant puke any more.... y live my life any more?

now this is a stupid suicide note

some of these may help me with a sucide note, not sure which one to use though...hmmmm

For all those saying 'it was only a joke', would I get away with saying that if I... hmm... rape your mum??

Mike Lamb's picture

No, talking about raping someone's mother could be a joke, whereas actually raping someone's mother would be closer to performance art or improv skits. Hope this helps.

I actually took this seriously until i read the comments. I was about to go off and write mine now -.-

suicide is not a joke... it is scary

not even fucking funny. Not the type of thing to make a joke about. it really hurts man :( far out.

Mike Lamb's picture


Who's there?

Kill yourself.

Yeah, I guess when you say it like that, it isn't that funny. Far out.

I was seroiously googleing how to write a sucide note and this is what I came across.Wtf.Made me laugh so hard.!!The person that wrote this made my night so much better.I seriously was thinking about hurting myself,then I read this and it got my mind off of things.:)How awesome!Thanks!More than you know.

fuckin heavy i think that suicide it rad because life is pointless. if you think about it what is our purpose on an earth our people have there children on the side of the street left to die, when people in somalia are beheading inoscent people, and our own government is stealing from us and waisting our money.... some fuckin world we live it. fuck life

Thanks for the advice on that, ive never known what to write. i can end it all today, at least someone may get a laugh

only if you 'make' us laugh... remember dark sarcasm even can draw a laugh!! Consider Poe!

I dun hope preecha... i'sa meen Pree..cha... I dooo hoppe dat du wun twooo libbin gawd ... he dunn havva sex.. (oopps) oOOOO GLOOORYT MEEE .... AAAWWWWW ... AWWWW PREECAW YOU WUS JUST AS GUD AS LAST NIGHT.... GLORY BEEEEEEEEE awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
GOD IS THE JUDGE OF ALL --- ALL -- OF US. NOT YOUR SORRY ASSES !!! (so go ahead, cast the first stone!) yuk, yuk...

Individuals kill themselves because people take light of there feelings why would they take something light like this that's hurting there feelings. You're cruel. One day I hope you feel there pain for just a moment because I doubt that you could handle it longer than that. You are just as attention seeking as them. Don't be a hypocrit.

To the Author,
I am a 40 year old male that has been thinking of suicide for some time. I have been married for 21 years and i have three grown up children, one severly Autistic. By the time you read this i will probably be gone. I have caused my own demise and do not deserve to fill a spot on this earth. I have been disabled by a work place incident that restricts me to minimal tasks and can not help my family in the way that i should. Thanks to your guide i found an answer to my way out. I truly appreciate your answer, thank you :) Live long and prosperous people :)))

^Enough! (I'm still here, for now)
Sorry but i'de like to add further. I come from a f**ked up family, even since childhood. They love you in front of your face and loath you behind your back, especially when alcohol is involved (very regular). Including my immediate family wife, daughters and son inlaw, who i would kill tomorrow if he didn't father my beautiful grandson. (Wife and son inlaw argue and hate each other!) Much more to my useless life that i can not go into...but you get the drift!

HELP ME! Should i just f**k off from these people?
Or kill my own useless ass?

When your life is pathetic as mine, then you will earn the right to take your own life. You have kids who love you even if they're all grown. Think about them before you consider taking your own life. Every time I think about taking my own life, I think about how my parents and sister would feel. That always prevents me over dosing on pills. I think about talking my own life once a week, and I have even written suicide notes. I just wrote a suicide note yesterday morning with a date to take my own life.

Think about the ones who care about you before you take your own life.

BTW, screw these trolls. Suicidal thoughts, and constantly thinking about death is nothing to take lightly.

i was making a noose whilst reading this. yet i am still able to find it hilarious. keep em coming you legend

why are all the logical ones leaving us. thank you for being a real person. hope you are alright wherever you are.


This is really not funny. Making a joke out of suicide. This is a real thing for some people and this letter should not have been allowed to get onto the internet. Also, some unfortunate people might actually take this seriously and write a suicide note like this themselves. This is probably not going to happen, but it might. Whoever wrote this is seriously sick. I know that it is meant to be a joke, but it the most horrific joke about suicide that i have ever read.

For everyone thats saying this is bad and should be removed yous are talking shit. If sumone was going to kill themeselves and read this thinking it was a serious list they would definitly have been smiling when they read the first comment, i was.

Funny site! I just wanted a site to write my last post! I have just finished a bottle of Rye and swallowed a bottle of OTC sleeping pills. I'm now going to jump off of this overpass as soon as I see a big truck coming. Hope you all have somel laughs!

Michael Winston's picture

"some* laughs"

Mike Lamb's picture

Well, I had somel laughs. But seriously, a moment of silence for...crap, he didn't leave his name.

I guess you do not care if i kill myself right now....

Mike Lamb's picture

Pics or it didn't happen.

Birthofsmiles's picture

This is entirely stupid. yet not surprisingly intriguing. Quitter. Don't let go of life, let go of lust. let go of all we shared.

That's not even funny, I am actually suicidal and planning to kill myself soon and you're just taking the piss out of people with depression, it's a mental illness that no one can help having, k?!

Michael Winston's picture


same here, i was about to top myself and i suffer from clinical depression and have since i can remember, no doctor can help me or tell me why. and this made me laugh, if i hadn't laughed i would have died, would you prefer that then?

You know what I just lost my one and only big bro to suicide last sunday this,is not funny in anyway its sick im on here looking for actual help whats wrong with you people that this is funny anyone who ever thinks about suicide out there I wish I could hug u n make everything better n help you through your pain because on,this end the pain is horrible horrible horrible I would do anything,to rewind time and pick up the phone hug him stay by his side every second till he felt better give my last penny give anything to make him see it can get better I pray for you all to find strength look deep deep down find your goal find one ray of hope and go for it work through that pain and then in the future use it to help others out of theres it is possible there is hope u can be happy u can find real love you can do anything I promise

Man,Why'd you look this up if it wasn't amusing? LOLOL.You gon' kill yerself too?

I find it offensive that its not even you who went through it, i've been brought back from attempts, so has my mother, im not gonna tell you family trying or succeeding in killing themselves isn't hard because it is, especially after trying to get them help and then having to put them in a mental hospital but how do you know me? or what goes on in my mind? or your brothers? you dont, didn't, never will. different types of people. how do you know there is a goal for me? I have never had a goal, no ray of hopes, i think most of life is bullshit so play the game until you want to quit, some people are intense about it, some dont care. ill have fun sometimes but then it's over and the bad outweighs the good. so personally go fuck yourself and talk about something you know more about. this here saved my life, gave me a laugh, pulled me back from the edge for just a little bit longer.

Hey cj: you're a douche.
Anything can be a subject for comedy. ANYTHING. Listen to some George Carlin and then tell me tragedy ain't funny.

Mike Lamb's picture


This is really not funny. Suicide is a very serious thing in the world and should not be ridiculded. Whoever thinks that this is funny should really grow up and stop thinking that life is a joke. People who find this funny might read my note and say that they do not think that life is a joke, but they must. They are laughing at somebody's pathetic way of saying that they are going to kill themself. They are laughing at life. This is also laughing at life. It is a very stupid thing to put on the internet and I do not mean to swear, but it is a load of b*******. This may sound exaggerated, but words cannot explain how angry I am at the person who wrote this. They think that suicidal people are meant to be laughed at. They are not. They are actual people just like you and me and the person who wrote this has serious issues. They are sick.

Mike Lamb's picture

My god, it's like I already wrote this for you. If you have a short attention span, just skip down to SENSITIVE TROLL.

I agree with you. Sadly - wel depending on where you are sitting - I looked this up as a serious query. That people make a joke - well maybe that is just the way that blessed people look at life. I wish I could. I am looking this up for the future - I have tried 4 times - but didn't get there. I was lucky on my last attempt because then I had the most special years - but they are coming to an end and it is mostly my fault. I have researched proper methods and next time I will succeed. I cannot believe that I am so thorough and clinical about this - but surely my next life has got to be better (I have been good!!) - because this life often hurts.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Apparently asterisks can't explain how angry you are either, because I'm just not feeling it.

"I do not mean to swear, but it is a load of b*******." <-WTF?!
I mean, I don't want to split hairs here, but technically you didn't swear.

I mean that could be anything!

Is it a load of bagpipes? I can see how that would make someone angry.

Is it a load of botflies? Have you ever seen one of those things lay eggs in someone's body? That would make me angry if someone gave me a load of botflies.

What about a load of buckshot? Which by the way you might want to strongly consider, because with your commitment issues, you really don't want to miss.

To cj: I feel greatly for you. My own aunt commited suicide and I can see exactly where you are coming from. I agree totally with you and I hope that everybody who thinks that this is funny reads cj's comment and thinks about what they are laughing at. Cj is completely right and would everyone please, please, please listen to him. Thank you.

I am a "her" - and I realy don't want condescending replies because you guys just do not get it.

I don't know... I'm about to kill myself (I've been pretty resolved for some time now and have just had to get some affairs in order) and I've come to the point where I need to write a note and I turned to the internet looking for ideas. Specifically I wanted to say something incisive and funny (everyone knows how sad and miserable I am, so there's no need to prattle on about it in a note as well) - I want to leave people with something that they can chuckle about once they've healed a bit. Anyway, I found the notes on this site pretty damn amusing.

But CJ, I could definitely use some of those hugs, the company, and pennies right now!

listen u all suiciders!!!!!!!!!---------- think 4 a while y u want to die???? is doing suicide the only way 2 get rid of all problems???? NO A BIG NOOOO bcoz after dying ur soul will not be happy. U have a right 2 b happy and no one can take dis right frm u. fight 4 dis right!!!!
come on just give a last chance to u . this will surely work....
live 4 urself .leave all the worries . iknow u will thank this chance ...
all the best 4 ur upcoming life........

not to be rude or anything but what happens if you can't be happy? never are. why do we wanna die? well reiterating the happy thing, whats the point if you CAN'T be happy? theres no point, you're completely fucked. im saying from our point of view and its a bit cynical but there are so many ways to look at a situation

I didn't know you could listen to a comment...

Reading your grammar and spelling made me want to kill myself.
Read a fucking book before you tell people about life.
People do have a right to be happy, but anyone can take it from you, if you are fighting to be happy then are you really happy?
People like you make me angry at the world.

about to commit suicide right now...left a note 4 my im hangin on thee roof,,literally, ur crazzy ass,,,gudbye!

Someone who really wants to commit suicide will do it no matter what that person reads, and they are not going to kill themselves just because they read a stupid joke that isn't even funny enough, although the is a lot of potential for joke making in the area of suicide. I'm struggling to write my own suicide note, but It just doesn't sound right, the sentences seem to be too small, and it sound too dramatic... anyway I'm planning my suicide like if it was a wedding, except the are no guests, I already choose the spot, the method to use, I cleaned my computer and my room from all incriminatory shit, now I just have to wait my mother finish her holidays, and I them I kill myself (I don't want to ruin her holidays).

I agree. I have had a go a good couple of times. You may then ask - DUH!! why didn't you get it right? Good question - I did not pay enough attention. But now I got it - thing is, I do believe there is something afterwards. If it is better than this time around. well why the heck not ....

I had to re-read that over to make sure I wasn't going to comment on my own comment. But damn, you just explained my life. It's easy to say please don't do it and look at all the good shit in your life but if it's your life shouldn't you call the shots on if you're allowed to take it or not? Hope what comes next is better for you. Some souls aren't meant for this time.



don't :c

i want to kill myself so bad, but im only 12 but still.........................................................................................

you only 12 you got alot more to live for just chill back get a girl/boy it helps

THis is poor taste.

My teenage daughter committed suicide. If you had lost a kid, you would not want to see such a crucial iossue trivialised. If someone wants to commit suicide, they need help, not a stupid joke in poor taste.

I please with you to remove this post.

And I'm a teenage girl thinking of commiting suicide. I thought it was funny. Sometimes making a joke out of a serious issue is the best way to deal with it. Besides, why were you even reading this??

good shit waisted some of my useless time at work lol

I couldn't agree more. Really bad taste. I'm feeling suicidal and don't know where to get help. This doesn't help at all.

I couldn't agree more. Really bad taste. I'm feeling suicidal and don't know where to get help. This doesn't help at all.

If you are feeling rotten / suicidal there are people to help. Anyone who is a survivor of a suicide by a family member will want to help you get the support you need.

In my country (Australia) there are groups like Beyond Blue set up to support those with mental illness.
Organisations such as LifeLine provide counselling 24/7.

Please do a google search on suicide prevention and find an organisation in your country which is there to help you.

Even so, it still might seem bad, but 40 years later I am glad I did nothing stupid in my teens. My daughter did, and we will never get over it.

Come on people... it's easy being cynical. But this subject demands a deep sense of humanity and solicitude. And the utmost respect!

i don't even see the point in this. really? trying to make a JOKE out of this? REALLY? no, not funny. not one bit. maybe to YOU, but not to me. you know, when you REALLY feel suicidal, come back, and tell me about it. and you know what? i've TRIED to commit suicide. why did i read this? i'm considering it AGAIN. so for you, go away. i don't like this.

i don't even see the point in this. really? trying to make a JOKE out of this? REALLY? no, not funny. not one bit. maybe to YOU, but not to me. you know, when you REALLY feel suicidal, come back, and tell me about it. and you know what? i've TRIED to commit suicide. why did i read this? i'm considering it AGAIN. so for you, go away. i don't like this.

Not funnin' im goin' hang yourself with a barbed wire right now but my wife and child are upstairs

Hahaha, I'm clinically depressed, I'm on meds for it too, feeling a bit... Ehh at the moment. But this.. This is funny. I like this. Sure it's inappropriate, but what ever, this is the internet. Lots of things are 'sick' and 'wrong' but this is certainly not the worst thing out. Get over yourselves and learn to laugh a little.

This is a screwed up sad post with equally depressing and lame comments.
Grow up, dude. It's not funny. I know this because I tried to kill myself once, and I wasn't thinking about how awesome my funeral was going to be, and writing a funny suicide note. If that's what you'd be thinking about, you have some serious issues. Or you're just a disgusting and immature little faggot.

Mike Lamb's picture

Nice gay bash at the end. Way to make a point about tolerance and empathy.

Sorry. I fully support gay rights and all, I was just angry.

And I'm Sundae, I forgot to change the Anonymous

Mike Lamb's picture

Fair enough. Nobody is saying that suicide is not tragic. Many of us have lost friends or relatives to it, and that's something personal that we all deal with on our own terms.

However, simply saying "it's never okay to joke about ___" is not an answer. This is a comedy forum. People that have stumbled on here by accident should seek out professional help. If we were making the same kind of jokes on a serious forum concerning depression and suicide, then YES that would absolutely be out of line. I've made a few dickish comments to angry commenters on this post, and I probably shouldn't have given the state of mind some of them may be in. For that I apologize. I just respect the rights of comedy writers with dark and morbid ideas about humor.

Ha. Here I am a year later.
What a messed up comment I wrote..
Turns out I'm bisexual anyway. sorry about the use of that word there.
Yes, it is almost funny since I know it's a comedy forum
sorry I got so worked up about it!

it's gettin' better

This is great. I wrote it all down. I'll use at least one or two things on the list. Thanks! And goodbye world! :')

To all you people being STUPID! This is most obviously a SATIRE! Trying to show people how dumb and idiotic is is to commit suicide and telling them NOT to do it!! Jeez... So quick to blame without actually understanding. Look beyond what you see. Sad a 15 year old had to point this out to you.

i haven't seen my family for more than 8 years in a country people miss there loved ones for a few weeks in a big brother and cries as if they lost them for years .... ha ha ... i was hoping to be a uk citzen and got a pasport so i can see my family but it doesn't happen... i have no reason to live... may God ( if he ever exist) blesse uk for ever as i love this country ...

This shit was funny. I looked up how to write a suicide note and I dont really feel like it after reading this.

The internet is a gateway for these scum-bags to show their true colors. Im not gonna make this a long and drawn out post because these piece o' shit trolls fucks are just gonna make fun of it. Suicide is no joke people....please grow up for our country's sake. I knew the world was a shitty place but after I read the comments in this forum I lost all hope in the future of the world. Im not saying im gonna commit suicide im just saying you people are swine for thinking its funny. Suicidal people take this stuff serious.......remember that.

the commens are mostly so good
suicide is not a simple things in 80% case it came from heart and in other it came from mind problems
nothingh in this site but commens are so cool

Im trapped in this shitty world, bye forever o.O

Glancing just to see if best idea to leave a note. If someone wants to kill themselves this will definitely NOT push them over the edge, on the contrary, as some have stated, it may make them laugh and forget about their shitty life for 5 seconds. Yes, suicide is terrible but NO laughing isn't a bad thing(even if its about a terrible sad thing). Quit taking shit so seriously people. Some people are just not happy and nothing will change that. Yes sometimes (usually 12 year olds that think they have a clue what love is even though they haven't experienced the world yet) unhappiness is temporary and people should consider any alternative other than the most permanent. But some have spent years (me) trying to fake happiness and living just not to hurt others. I can only hope my family understands I'm finally at peace.

There is no god if there were one, everyone would be happy all the time, and the world wouldnt be such a shitty fuckin place. Im not leaving a note on a paper ill write bye in blood on my wall or somethin

Clearly suicide is a very sensitive subject. For those who suggest that jokes should not be made of it, perhaps they are right, though I do find it funny.

What I do encourage, however, is exactly what people in the comments are doing, at least, those who do not simply reply with, "Shut up, you tard," which is to say, talking about it. Many of us live in a culture which views suicide as immoral by nature, or perhaps by God's will. Additionally, we regard thinking about suicide as the symptom of multiple diseases. I believe that many people who are suicidal are afraid to say so, and afraid to state their reasons, because they will be shunned and recommended incarceration as a safety measure. This taboo must be lifted if we are to find true meaning in our lives. Not all suicides are the result of lack of reasoning, nor are all suicides considered equal morally. Think of one who self-immolates for a cause you believe in, or a captured spy who bites the cyanide capsule to prevent the information he knows from being extracted by torture and used against his countrymen.

My point is this: a rational conversation about suicide will invariably lead you to the following questions: What would I and should I live for? What would I die for and what should I die for? For those with clear thinking, suicide is always a choice, and it cannot be otherwise. To say that we absolutely must choose life is to deny freedom over the one thing I and many others hold dear, the individual freedom to lead a life of purpose and conviction. Asking these questions will not only inform your decision about the act itself, but will answer deeper questions about what your essential beliefs are and how your own existence is meaningful to you specifically.

And so, whether you think your life is great or not, take a moment to consider: under what circumstances would I choose death, and under what circumstances would I choose life? Do the lives of those you leave behind factor into your decision? Do your personal beliefs and morals factor in? Do you believe there is an afterlife, and why do you believe this? Many people who do believe in an afterlife believe that it's going to be better than this one. Isn't that like opening up a crate of oranges and seeing that the top layer is rotten, only to presume that the rest of the crate will be fine? For others, this is the only life we are afforded, and so such a decision must not be taken lightly. Perhaps you are seeking a permanent solution to a temporary problem. At any rate, if you have good reasons to pursue the end of your time here, you should be able to explain it to others, both in life (you shouldn't fear their response if you are justified), and in a non-flippant end of life document, abdicating those who may feel guilty of responsibility for *your* decision.

The previous post is very intelligent articulate and states exactly how suicide should be dealt with. The fun side is good but I think the above post is very good indeed.

You kids, and your smart ass unfocused hatred. Makes me laugh. I can't wait till the end of 2012, when 1/2 of you will realize that you're just plain stupid. Then, once you know you're dumb, and you accept it, you just may have the ability to do something about it.

Suicide is for pussies. Plain and simple.

Am going outside to smoke some weed & then take a bath, & then kill myself.

I really need a good sucide note so my family do not blame themselves (thats why I search on Google & landed on this page).


First i landed on this site:
honestly, it made me laugh.

I have a believe that, 'if I (ME) do not make it by 25, I would be a loser for life'...

You know, I only have 2 family member & one trur friend (the rest are users who only remember me when they are in troble). It is unfortunate that i have no child, but 4k it!

God please help my family bear this lost.

HOW COME I DIDN'T MAKE IT IN LIFE, I HAVE A LOT OF KNOWLAGE BUT IT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME... I ALSO HAVE THIS BS THING CALL 'PANIC ATTACK' IN PUBLIC PLACES. 25 years old male still living with his father, dropout of college 8 times, wasted my fathers money (the man works day & night 24/7).


Who know someone trying to be controversial and failing at humour cause he stole all his 'jokes', and then ruined them with hideous phrase and timing..??.. (points to thumbs to chest... Bob Kelso you twat!) Dont care what you write about but the punishment for being unoriginal is purgatory!

hehe... i don't even care this is hilarious. fuck off to all the whiney emo twat faces who are all like 'you're a sick fuck this isn't funny', 'cause yes it fucking is. people who commit suicide are either selfish stupid attention seeking twats who are inconsiderate enough to their friends and family to do something like that or completely fcking insane. so to all you self richeous pussies out there: you make me sick go kill yourself.

LOL.. the fact that other people found this funny makes me feel like less of an asshole (:

All of you people flaming the guy for writing this article are fucking retarded. I came to this site in an extremely bad place mentally. I was looking for the best way to kill myself as I have been going through major depression. On top of that, I'm recently unemployed, damn near homeless as I'm stuck crashing wherever I can convince someone to allow me to, and I'm flat broke. I got medical problems that I don't even know what they are, but I can't afford a doctor or any kind of insurance to get treatment.

Even with all of that bullshit I came here in a bad place & this article has actually cheered me up & for the first time in a couple years I've actually chuckled & felt amused for a sec.

This article literally just saved my life.

To those of you that wanna sit on a high horse & proclaim that this should be removed, just go fuck yourselves.......

Well you can say R.I.P Soule..

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