Tips on Writing a Suicide Note

A new age has dawned. It is now the era of shared information. A paroxysm of electronic media outlets has been bestowed upon us. Blogging, Tweeting, and Facebook status updating have externalized even the most mundane personal musings. With the panoply of scripted pondering in which we all swim, how does one go about separating true existential angst from the haphazardly typed Twitter re-tweet? I am here to help.

So you want to end it all. I am not here to judge your willingness to follow through. I mean, the fact that you are writing a suicide note calls your commitment into question. If you really wanted to leave this world, you would have already done so and not bothered to leave behind an explanation. I understand; you don't want to just off yourself and leave your motive open to interpretation. And people have to have some type of explanation. You can't just excuse yourself from the world and leave a note saying, "I have to see a man about a dog." You need to leave behind a posthumous proclamation that places guilt accordingly; otherwise, what's the point?

You don't want your suicide note to start off with a cliche line. "by the time you read this, I will be dead" is trite and entirely too dramatic. Suicide is the most dramatic of all actions, but your suicide note should not be overly dramatic. You don't want to be written off as a drama queen. I suggest opening with a lighter greeting. Have some fun with it! Keep in mind that the reader has just discovered a dead body, so there is no need to punctuate the solemness of the situation any further. Here are a list of possible opening lines...

-"Hey! Ya found me!"

-"Weird, I know. Here's the thing..."

-"You're crying, aren't you? I knew it!"

-"WAAZZUUUUP!!!"

If you have a good idea about who will find the note first, feel free to personalize (Ex-"Hey mom, I hope I didn't leave a mess."). However, I recommend maintaining a tone that isn't directed toward anyone in particular. Ideally, you want a complete stranger to be able to appreciate your suicide note.

Now that you have caught your reader's attention with a clever opening line, you are going to want to let them know that you are getting down to business. Start off the body of your suicide note with something like, "For realsies though" or "But for serious, I am totally dead."

You want to make sure not to come off frantic. Perhaps a caveat about how suicide is not the coward's way out. It actually takes serious commitment to follow through. Proper grammar and spelling is a must. No one is going to feel guilty if it seems like you were not of sound mind while writing your suicide note.

Be concise. Don't spend too much time on one point. Let people know your death is on their hands, but keep them guessing. Brevity carries more weight. Throw in some vague accusations like, "Laura, you know the countless ways in which you tortured me."

Keep things short and sweet. If you try to write a lengthy suicide note that goes into depth about every gripe you have with the world, you will find out that it is a very therapeutic exercise. This is not a good thing. If your letter is too long, you will hash out all of your angst and will likely lose steam when it comes to actually killing yourself. A suicide letter by an author who is still alive is just an emo blog entry. If you want your letter to have any gravitas, you have to be dead.

When it comes to closing, I suggest something with a "fuck you" attitude. Think of the times when you have left a gathering without really saying goodbye, and how everyone was put off by that. Here are some possible closing lines...

-"I think I made my point"

-"If I cared, this would be longer"

-"whatevs"

-"TTYL"

No matter how strong the urge, do not add a P.S. quip. It just looks desperate, and you don't want to seem desperate in a suicide note.

That's all from me. Now quit lolly-gaggin' and go end your life already!


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Andrei Trostel's picture

"TTYL"

...or not I guess.

Welcome to PIC Andy.

that was brilliant

Gavin Pitt's picture

Nice! But what if you're writing a suicide note *for* someone, if for example, you want to make it look like an accident? What? Oh, no reason...

Gavin Pitt's picture

btw- welcome to the PIC gang!

From wikipedia: "In a full ceremonial seppuku (Japanese ritual suicide) one of the elements of the ritual is the writing of a death poem. The poem is written in the tanka style (five units long which are usually composed of five, seven, five, seven, and seven moras)."

I'm a 18 years old girl and I am thinking about committing suicide. I know your writing should have made me laugh but it actually made me cry.

Have a great life!

Andrei Trostel's picture

There are 15,000 other humor articles on PIC.
This means that I just offered you at least 15,000 other opportunities for laughter. If you can read them ALL and not laugh then I would agree with your choice. However, if you laugh at least once while reading them, then I would say that is reason enough to live.
Things will get better, I promise.
Hang in there.
;)

Don't do it!! I know it may be hard sometimes but it can only get better. You have so much going for you the rest of your life. Fall and love and have someone love and care for you everyday:)

Great. It's so Funny. I was seriously looking for samples. Can't believe people would write about this. Thanks for the ideas. I was having a lot of problems with mine... I need a six-page suicide letter addressed to someone, send in advanced, which he is supposed to never believe anyway. Can that work? I am going to use one of the opening lines, it's appropriate. hmmm...

Hilarious! I'm definately using some of these ideas... Imean seriously. That'll confuse the fuck out of them. (;

lol if I was to ever commit suicide witch I doubt I will, I will take your advice and make it look like the most well thought out suicide plan ever ^^

Too funny. Seriously. I lol'd. I'm not sure why I clicked on this article, but the humor was excellent, and worth the click!

Death, Darkness and Decay.

Sometimes life is hard, and its sucks! but what is the point of making people suffer just so you can have the easy way out? Don't be a selfish bastard or a fucking retard like the guy writting on the webpage and don't make fun of something that many have been traumatized for life over. And to whoever wrote this page...you should really take your advise i wonder how many people read this and listened. can you imagine your friend comming into your room, your dead on the floor and the letter tells you to go have a pizza? grow up! :L

LMFAO

ok is this a joke? ok because i do actily want to write a gook letter to leave to my parents and boyfriend and stuff and i thought this would help
go fuck your self!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Here, try this:

"부모님, 남자 친구와 물건.

나는 인종차별 주의자. 나는 자살 것입니다."

I hope that helps.

The only good way to kill yourself is to use it as a weapon if you are totally intent on hurting someone who would blame him or herself. that way you only hurt one of the people you leave behind. what could be a better wound in the heart than "i'd rather be dead than be the source of all your problems." bonus points if the target kills him/herself too. oh and make sure if they told you about a nightmare about you dying, you kill yourself exactly how their nightmare killed you. for me, a GSW. if you are sick of hurting because you feel you only hurt others, pick one and direct all of the agony onto that one. make all the rest blame him/her for it. that way it softens the blow to mom or dad or grandma because they won't feel as if it is their fault and hate themself for it.