How to Commit Suicide the Right Way

If it's the last thing you do, don't regret it!

Piggy bank drowning in water

Were you just laid off? Are you tried of struggling with that heroin addiction? Did your newborn baby just pop out of your wife a different color than your own? If you said "YES!" to any these questions, you may have had the bright idea to "off yourself." First of all, I would advise you not to do it and seek professional help immediately, because suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But, if you've decided to give suicide the green light, then that's your journey and there's a place reserved for you in Hell.

With that said, I am here to help you dumbasses do it the right way. Why? To spare you unnecessary pain, make it a little less gory, and minimize the paramedics' laughter when they find you dead from overdosing on Flintstone vitamins (it's happened).

1. The Gun

Woman committing suicide by shooting herself in the head with a gun
Works equally well for women.
A top choice for suicide, especially for men. Some people have seen too many movies though. If you think that any old gun is a half-second click away from "lights out," then you may be in for an unpleasant experience.

First, DO NOT USE a .22 caliber weapon, or any weak ass gun for that matter. You'll thank me (or maybe you won't, because you're dead) when you're not a drooling vegetable in a hospital for the rest of your shitty days.

A small handgun can do four things:

  1. Kill you.
  2. Make you bleed out for 2+ agonizing hours before killing you.
  3. Put you in a coma forever.
  4. Not kill you.

Get a .45 caliber weapon, or even better, A SHOTGUN! But don't expect an open casket with those fuckers.

How to do it: Put the god forsaken thing in your mouth POINTING UP to the sky. Not kinda up, not angled up, STRAIGHT UP (don't half ass it!!). If you put the weapon in your mouth pointing to the back of your neck/lower head, then death may not be instant and you may endure some unnecessary suffering.

2. Drowning

Unless you hate yourself, don't be a DUMBASS and drown yourself. It is known as one of the most painful ways to die (don't ask me how people know) and can take up to three minutes to lose consciousness. If you choose to do it, go to a lake/ocean and swim 10-15 feet deep and take a deep breath (your bathtub or kitchen sink will be too challenging to kill yourself in). You'll then come to the quick realization that you are in fact a dumbass and should have chosen a less painful way to go (example: jumping into a pit of diamond back rattlesnakes).

3. Hanging

This is a tough one. Will you choose to tie yourself up and kick the chair beneath you, causing moments of breathless agony and unnecessary pain? OR... tie yourself up and jump off a twelve foot ledge, instantly snapping your neck and possibly decapitating you? I advise option two (again, it just depends how much you hate yourself). To limit the mess, jump off a 5-6 foot ledge. Don't lose your head, now (L0Lz).

4. Slitting Your Wrist

Man slit his wrists to commit suicide in a bathtub
If you're going to relax, do it INSIDE the tub—have some respect for those cleaning up your mess.
Unless you put on some soothing music, make yourself a bubble bath, and slice your wrists up in the tub... it's going to be messy. Since this is a pussy way to kill yourself, I don't remember if it's "down the street" or "across the tracks," and I'm too tired at this point to check Yahoo Answers for it so... fuck me. I guess I'm no help here. Just cut your fucking hand off with a table saw. That's probably more effective than "up the hop-scotch" or "across the playground" or whatever the fuck....

5. Pills

This is risky. Not like anything matters at this point though, right? Pill suicide works just as much as it doesn't. The upside is that it's not a gory death. It WILL be painful, but mostly just puking and possibly shitting all over yourself. And your chances of survival are much greater than a shotgun suicide (to say the least).

Swallow three bottles of Tylenol. Your chances of survival depend upon whether your roommates find you soon enough. You shouldn't last longer than 3-5 hours after ingestion. If you do survive, though, you'll have all the attention in the world from your friends and family. Maybe even go on Oprah after you write an autobiography called "My Journey" about how you were picked on in high school for having a tiny dick and later survived suicide.

6. Jumping

Man looking over a ledge thinking about jumping to commit suicide
If you're not immediately scared to jump, you're not high enough yet.
Please listen: A 2-STORY HOUSE IS NOT HIGH ENOUGH!! Nor is a 3-story house! Jump off something badass like a skyscraper or the Colosseum in Rome.

Jumping off grandma's garage will just hurt a lot and maybe even paralyze you. Remember: HEAD FIRST, and don't expect an open casket.

Okay, that's good enough.

Reminder: DON'T KILL YOURSELF!!!



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Mike Lamb's picture

This is pretty goddamn great. Then again, I tend to like dark comedy more than most.

There wasn't a single joke. Dark humor is fantastic, this just wasn't funny. Suicide is just like any other topic when it comes to comedy, there's plenty there if your willing to dig for it. This is more akin to a 4chan kid trying to be shocking.

Mike Lamb's picture

I'm not sure what your specific joke criteria is. I liked the tone and overall writing style of it, but different strokes I guess. I'd have to see more of this guy's writing before I tossed him into the 4chan shock category.

i found it funny as well.

i agree with anonymous, not funny, hes just trying too hard

S p y r o's picture

I would imagine slitting your wrists would be quite pain full too... There's really no point in suicide anyway, it's a cowards way out. I'd rather die of old age having had a full life and lots of experience in life.

C. Reb's picture

Where's my all time favorite? The ol' sit in the running car with the garage door closed. Painless and nostalgic.

question WH4T IS YOUR GOD D4MN PROBLEM YOU DONT H4VE TO BE 4N 4 HOLE IN YOUR WRITINGS. LIKE MY EX USED TO S4Y DO NORM4L.

Mike Lamb's picture

FOUR IS NOT A GODDAMN LETTER.

Suicide is foolish...there are dead spirits all around you. Be carefull with what you do. Do not tamper with the unknown, but just be aware that it exists.

Thanx u s00 much 4 the plans. im planning on killing myself as soon as i hav my baby. im 6 months pregnant. im n abusive relationship. iv no car,money,support. im tired of going hungry everyday nd havn 2 tel my 8yr old i cant give her a snack 4 sk00l or hav supper b4 bed. iv got 0 prenatal care bc 0 gas or car 2 go. my bf is always comin hom fukd on xanax etc. cant take ne more.

Why dont you just kill your bf then instead of killing yourself.. Just drug him and hang him on the bathroom and tell the police that he just simply commit suicide.. LOL. dont kill yourself.. your children needs you.. think about that. :D

ur all crazy ...whoever made this site is an idiot , encouraging others to take their lives is a sin.

ur all crazy ...whoever made this site is an idiot , encouraging others to take their lives is a sin.