The 10 Best Songs to Commit Suicide To

It happens to everybody. Sometimes you just have to kill yourself. Listen, I understand. I've been there too. So when the mood strikes, put on one of these sweet tracks and shove a pitchfork through your neck. When the cops find your body, they will be thoroughly impressed.

10. "Cheeseburger in Paradise" - Jimmy Buffett

Why it's awesome:

Classic rock from a classic rocker. Some people think that you get 70 virgins when you get to "Paradise." I could care less about virgins. I want a fucking cheeseburger.

What it says about you:

You're a true patriot. But also possibly a beach bum/stoner. You got the munchies so bad that you killed yourself to get a cheeseburger. Clearly, you are legend. People will speak of you with great respect.

9. "Butterfly" - Crazy Town

Why it's awesome:

Recently, someone told me that this was voted the worst song of the past decade. Whoever created that list or voted for this song deserves to be raped. True, the lyrics are basically meaningless, but most songs have meaningless lyrics. The singer dude likes some chick. That's like 95% of music. This song, however, is catchy as hell. You hear it on the radio and you'll be humming it to yourself all day. That by itself will probably force you to slit your wrists.

What it says about you:

You pay attention to trends. You may have some tattoos in naughty places. You weren't that surprised when you found out DJ AM died. After all, you sold him the drugs. You really hope for a rap/rock eulogy performed by Shifty.

8. "Bye Bye Bye" - 'N Sync

Why it's awesome:

Oh JTLake, whatever happened to those glorious curls? The frosted tips? You traded them in for skinny suits and horn-rimmed glasses. I think we can all agree that you were better off before this FutureSex/LoveSounds thing happened. Of course, I didn't want to have sex with you back then. Not that I'm gay. I'm totally straight. It would be completely hetero man-on-man action. What? Stop looking at me like that.

What it says about you:

You are a prankster. What better way to sign off than with a song that literally says goodbye for you? For maximum effect, hang yourself so that you look like one of those marionettes from the music video. Except dead.

7. "Pyramid Song" - Radiohead

Why it's awesome:

This song may actually make you want to kill yourself. Not because you can't get it out of your head. Not because it's so fantastically terrible that you want to jam a screwdriver in your ear to stop the pain. It's just really really really depressing. And I don't even know what the words are. I don't think anyone knows. Seriously, it's like the saddest thing you've ever seen... ON CRACK. But that doesn't really make sense, does it? An orphaned baby monkey is sad. An orphaned baby monkey on crack is hilarious. But I digress.... This song is lethal. You could be on your yacht with your supermodel wife/wives and suddenly, as soon as Pyramid Song floats out of your diamond encrusted jam box, you tie a cinderblock to your leg and jump into the sea.

What it says about you:

You have good taste in music and want everyone to know it. Even though you've never been to Europe, you know it's totally wayyyy better than America. Your friends are probably pretend hippies. You were completely oblivious to the fact that no one would care if you killed yourself.

6. "Where The Party At" - Jagged Edge

Why it's awesome:

This song is the definition of JAM. Every time it came on the radio, you got a little boner. It's the only song by Jagged Edge in your iTunes library, and that's perfectly fine. I assume Jagged Edge was created in a lab to produce this one song, then incinerated by Jermaine Dupri. If you want this to be the soundtrack to your suicide, you should really get a giant plasma TV and loop the video. MC Hammer had parachute pants, Jagged Edge just has parachutes. Also, JD is wearing an Edgerrin James jersey from the Indianapolis days. By itself, that's not such a big deal. The thing is, he's wearing it backwards. That style never really caught on, did it?

What it says about you:

You're nostalgic for the old days. You liked Nelly's band-aid. Maybe you had a band-aid or two of your own. You were upset when you realized life is not like a music video. You are probably white and you want to be black.

5. "Sex Machine" - James Brown

Why it's awesome:

James Brown is the godfather of everything. The godfather of soul, funk, etc, etc, etc. And if we want to play the odds here, he's probably your father too. Your mom was a little loose in the 50s. Nothing to be ashamed of. She got married later, but then she went to a James Brown concert and decided to be loose again in the 60s. And again in the 70s. And the 80s and 90s and all the way up to 2006 when James Brown pimp-slapped earth and decided to roll out of this bitch. So if you were born between 1956 and 2006, get a DNA test done just to be sure. A recent survey of NFL players revealed at least 94% are blood related to James Brown.

What it says about you:

You're upset that you and dad never "had a catch." You own more than one frilly shirt, and you sweat constantly.

4. "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" - Britney Spears

Why it's awesome:

I'm not convinced that this song has any awesome qualities, but then again, I've never actually listened to the entire thing. While it wasn't the most popular song on Britney's creatively titled album "Britney," it sort of represents a high water mark for her career. She was super hot (e.g. "I'm a Slave 4 U"), and she hadn't lost her mind yet.

What it says about you:

You are confused. You are Miley Cyrus, a pre-op transsexual, or both.

3. "Head Bussa" - Lil Scrappy

Why it's awesome:

This was "Dirty South" hip-hop at its 2003 finest. The music video reeks of high production value. They obviously spent a lot of money to make everything look so shitty and hardcore. I haven't heard much from Lil Scrappy lately, but apparently he's now working on a new album called "Tha Grustle." Gristle + Hustle? For those who don't know, "gristle" is defined as "tough cartilaginous, tendonous, or fibrous matter, especially in table meats." Well god knows I love table meat. But maybe it's not gristle + hustle. Grundle + Hustle? A grundle is "the prime piece or real estate located conveniently between Scrotumburg and Anusville." Okay, it's probably Grind + Hustle, but I'm just going to assume table meat anus cartilage is in there somewhere.

What it says about you:

You are a straight balla. You pawned your Honda to pay for your platinum grill. No, the diamonds aren't real. They look awesome though, right? You do not fuck around. If this is your suicide song, you obviously shot yourself in the face—preferably with a Glock, Tec-9, or Mac-10. It doesn't really make sense to hang yourself when you're listening to a song called "Head Bussa," does it?

2. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" - WHAM!

Why it's awesome:

In addition to featuring more snaps and claps than any other four minutes in history, this is the all-around gayest song of all time. George Michael has forgotten more about anal sex than Jenna Jameson will ever know. Watch this video with a straight face. I dare you. You can't do it.

What it says about you:

If you listen to this song on a regular basis, you are not only gay, you are stuck in the 80s. I'm totally fine with the gay thing, but the 80s thing? For that, I salute you. You are a true phallic pillar of awesome. Imagine the scene when your body gets found. Your parents walk into your room and this track is blasting on repeat. They try to wake you up before they go-go, but they can't. Because you're dead. Comedy GOLD.

1. "Runnin' with the Devil" - Van Halen

Why it's awesome:

Jeff Spicoli saved Brooke Shields from drowning and blew his reward money hiring Van Halen to play his birthday party. Completely worth it. Hey, if it's good enough for Jeff, it's good enough for me. And it's impossible not to love this song. It just bleeds testosterone. It makes me want to drive a motorcycle through a plate glass window in slow motion. Or maybe I'll tear off my shirt and punch through a door.

What it says about you:

You are a complete badass. There is nothing subtle about your suicide tactics. You put on your leather pants and caught the express train to hell. You're going out on top and you want people to know that you're going to shoot craps with Satan. Your exit is a giant flaming middle finger to everyone. Rock on, bro. Rock on...

See also:


Also a song that would be awesome to die to: Highway to Hell.

What about "Jump" by Van Halen? Although if you followed the instructions, your ipod would probably be smashed to bits so no one would know.

wow, total fan of this blog, but that was an epic fail. I am most definately not going to die without hearing the thong song atleast one more time. way to go loser

Wow....awesome list :) My fave from the list has to be Running With the Devil- too good!

Dude, I totally agree, lmao! It was definitely the funniest, although they were all really great!

Lol. Great article: made me giggle and want to go share it with all my friends who think I'm the one with a problem with views on death. I'm glad to see others out there who don't take it too seriously also.

Darrel Sirens's picture

First off all, the lack of Opeth in this article is disappointing. Also, i don't think suicide is something to laugh about.

But pretty good article anyways.

I'd like to add, i think U2's "But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" would be fantastic.

your seriously messed up.
i've tried committing suicide before and it's no friggin joke and for you to put up songs like these and relate them to suicide..it's just really messed up.
i hope you have sometime close to you commit suicide n then you can laugh your stupid butt off while listening to these songs.

Best one was "Wake me up before you go go dont leave me hanging here like a yo-yo...." Brilliant.

this is terrible. if you guys really want to find something to die for....i suggest MY Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. look up youtube videos about Rob Bell. He has some very contemporary Christian videos that tell stories and relate to everyday life. i'm praying for everyone who stumbled upon this blog.

Mike Lamb's picture

You think it'll help Rob Bell's sales if all his listeners kill themselves? That's messed up. I'm telling Rob to pray for you. Why does your lord collect suicides? Do you get commision on them?

Your god helps nobody, it is a figment of your imagination. Its a crutch for those that have no understanding that life comes and goes. People kill themselves because they feel like they have no point in the world. God isn't something that will help people when they're feeling like this... DO NOT try to help people with god, because that's what made me want to kill myself when I was feeling depressed, the promise of an existence where someone cared. So intern I say fuck you, take your god and shove him up your ass so far that nobody else will ever have to deal with false promises and bullshit from religion ever again.

What a shitty list!

to the creator of this list n to everyone who made a joke out of it:
FUCK YOURSELF

I agree. This is fucked.

Anyone else find it ironic that he is wearing a "Choose life" shirt in wake me up

This is probably the faggiest thing ever written.

Using "faggy" as a pejorative term is so... gay.

Thank you for helping me know what to do and say.

Literely laughed my ass of at 'Cheeseburger In Paradise', I'm still giggling at it now. And for all of these sad people who can't take a joke I'm telling you as someone who has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time that I have no issues with this blog. Laughter helps and joking about your problems has helped me, you should all chill out a bit.

Even better on the WHAM! song is if you could leave the video playing on repeat with George Michael prancing about in his "CHOOSE LIFE" shirt. Who knows, maybe a little gay sex with a cute, enthusiastic young guy in tight pastel shorts could cheer you up, calling off your suicide. Might be just the thing.