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Top 10 Anti-Chuck Norris Facts

  1. Chuck Norris’ semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
  2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.
  3. Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.
  5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he’s actually aged.
  6. Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn’t know where to start.
  7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.
  8. Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK-47. The gun. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.
  9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a fucking Jeep.
  10. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers’ Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.

Newest Chuck Norris Facts

When it comes to Chuck Norris, the term FACTS is an acronym for Fabrications And Completely Thoughtless Statements.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought on a bet. Loser had to start wearing a silly cowboy hat.

Chuck Norris insists he’s not gay, but he never goes out on a date without his beard.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares at them… and drools.

Chuck Norris once saved the world from a zombie apocalypse. When the zombies came to eat his brains, they starved to death.

Chuck Norris used to count sheep to fall asleep, but they kept making him horny.

Chuck Norris didn’t actually shave his beard. He held up a pair of child safety scissors and his beard retreated under his skin.

You can’t defeat Chuck Norris with a kick to the groin. There’s nothing to hit down there.

Chuck Norris once tried to imitate Jackie Chan by doing all his own stunts. That lasted until Chuck stubbed his toe and nearly bled to death.

Chuck Norris once sold his soul to the Devil, who then auctioned it off to Mike Huckabee. Okay, that’s actually not a joke.

Chuck Norris dresses up like a cowboy because, like cattle, he generates a lot of methane and even more bullshit.

Chuck Norris and Donald Trump once walked into a bar together. The building immediately exploded, because that much raw egotism cannot be contained in one place.

Chuck Norris is a creationist because he’s in denial about the fact that he wouldn’t have been born without some drunkard screwing a monkey.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and curl up into a fetal position.

The only reason Chuck Norris is so homophobic is that he’s taken way too many blows to the head.

Chuck Norris once attempted autoerotic asphyxiation like David Carradine. Fortunately, he doesn’t have any brain cells that require oxygen.

Chuck Norris tries to force his religious beliefs on others because he figures everyone else enjoys having things shoved up their ass and down their throat as much as he does.

Chuck Norris recently asked Steven Seagal how he manages to stay in such great shape.

The original Chuck Norris Facts list contains so many descriptions of depraved sex acts that even E.L. James called and asked them to tone it down.

Chuck Norris never takes a shit. Shit takes a Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris actually created a second martial art. It’s called Dil Do, the art of fucking oneself.

Forest Warrior showed how Chuck Norris can transform into different animals. One day he turned into a jackass and forgot how to change back.

An infinite number of monkeys on typewriters given infinite time could eventually write the works of Shakespeare. Chuck Norris’s book would take 3 monkeys 5 minutes.

Chuck Norris once had ribs removed so he could lick his own ass. He promptly got his head stuck in there.

Behind Chuck Norris’s beard is a pasty, withered, bigoted old man.

Chuck Norris once went back in time and became his own father. It was force of habit.

Chuck Norris peaked in high school. That’s not a mistake, he was held back until age 40.

Chuck Norris visited baby Jesus, but was kicked out of the manger for what he tried to do to the sheep.

Chuck Norris once pointed with his finger and shouted, “BANG!” To which the hooker replied, “That’s still going to cost you.”

Chuck Norris does not cut his grass. It all withered when he breathed on it.

Chuck Norris regularly eats at Chick-Fil-A. He loves stuffing his mouth with hot, greasy cock.

Chuck Norris once tried to cash in on the Pokémon craze, but was arrested for offering to show kids his “pocket monster.”

Chuck Norris had a paper route growing up. He once lost the seat to his bicycle, but found he enjoyed it more that way.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, you’ll have to wait a few hours until he passes his watch.

Chuck Norris actually died 12 years ago. He certainly smells like it, and his level of brain function is a clear indication.

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He enjoys the smell of his own shit so much, he saves it for later so he can stick his head in and inhale deeply.

Chuck Norris doesn’t count to infinity. He just tells people to measure his stupidity.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. Scientists are still searching for signs of intelligent life in space.

Chuck Norris once tried roundhouse kicking a horse in the ass. He ended up breaking his bathroom mirror.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat food. He’s already too full of himself.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: men couldn’t stop it from clinging to their ass.

Chuck Norris can escape from a black hole. That’s because he’s completely lacking in substance.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. They started a game of hide-and-seek as kids, and Chuck never finished counting to ten.

When a necropsy was done on the rattlesnake that bit Chuck Norris, the cause of death was found to be E. coli septicemia.

Outer Space exists because Chuck Norris’s ego takes up too much room.

Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. He was aiming it at his head, which contains no vital organs.

Chuck Norris only hates Muslims because whenever they greet him in Arabic, he thinks they’re telling him to lick a salami.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already had 3 messages from Chuck Norris, who was calling to phone in yet another movie performance.

They tried to put Chuck Norris on Mt. Rushmore, but there was a problem. The granite proved to be a far better actor than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried marketing inspirational WWCND bracelets. However, they had to be recalled after customers kept getting the bracelets lodged in their rectum.

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called gerontophobia.

Some magicians walk on water. Chuck Norris swims on land. That’s because he struggles with the concept of walking erect.

Chuck Norris warned of a thousand years of darkness if the wrong president was elected. He wasn’t making a political statement though, that’s just how the world looks to him with his head buried in the sand.

Chuck Norris can’t make a snowman out of raindrops, but he can make a mountain out of bullshit.

Chuck Norris denies evolution because it implies everything evolved from a lower life form, like how humans evolved from apes, and rocks evolved from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris completes a pushup, they have to stop the cameras so the stage crew can come in and remove the stunt wires.

How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? He doesn’t know, he can’t count very high without taking off his boots and socks.

Chuck Norris has so many STDs that even James Bond has advised him to start using protection.

Chuck Norris once farted in an elevator. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris once contracted leprosy. He then made the painful mistake of jerking off.

Chuck Norris is like the God of Revelation: vengeful, wrathful, and wants to spend an eternity with 144,000 male virgins.

Chuck Norris once auditioned for a part in Game of Thrones. However, fans complained that now the show had one too many boobs.

Chuck Norris wishes he could run around the Earth and punch himself in the back of the head. It’s the only way he can think to dislodge all the crayons he stuffs up his nose.

Video game developers tried to base more characters on Chuck Norris in their fighting games. However, nobody could make out his likeness because he was too one-dimensional.

Chuck Norris fans love to threaten that he’ll personally beat up all his critics and detractors. In other words, they only respect him if he acts with all the dignity, discretion, and integrity of Uwe Boll.

Chuck Norris learned everything he ever needed to know in college. He attended the Creationist University of Natural Theology.

If you Google “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked,” well then congratulations on finding out about Way of the Dragon for the very first time.

Chuck Norris once drank Dracula’s blood. Not because he was trying to outdo the vampire; he just likes to ingest male bodily fluids.

Most municipalities have ordered all Chuck Norris movies removed from their police precincts. They keep confusing the bomb-sniffing dogs.

Chuck Norris discovered the location of Cheney’s secret underground bunker. When the Secret Service questioned him about it, he said he’s just very good at sniffing out Dick.

Mosquitoes and ticks don’t bite Chuck Norris. They’re afraid to catch what he has.

According to his fans, the Nazis surrendered on the day Chuck Norris was born. However, his official birthdate is March 10, 1940. This implies he was born 5 years and 2 months premature, which would actually explain a lot.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table. After all, his first and usually only instinct is to smash anything he doesn’t understand.

Chuck Norris once broke his leg to compete in the Special Olympics. The judges were too late to stop him to tell him that his test results came in, and he’s already overqualified.

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but there was a problem. It was so lacking in integrity that by the 1990s it all ran downhill.

Chuck Norris once overdosed on Viagra. However, the only thing that got stiff and wooden was his acting.

Chuck Norris once tried steroids. He had his sparring buddies inject him in the ass. He would later administer the steroids.

How does Chuck Norris screw in a light bulb? He holds the bulb still and the world revolves around him.

Chuck Norris once tried to run for political office. However, voters got upset after he kissed their hands and shook their babies.

Chuck Norris always takes a pair of tweezers with him to the bathroom. It’s not for cosmetic purposes though, it’s just the only way he can aim when he takes a leak.

Chuck Norris is the world’s strongest man. He can knock out 100 opponents with no effort, and his very presence brings tears to the eyes of the most elite martial artists. But enough about his body odor.

They once tried to make a film titled Alien vs. Predator vs. Chuck Norris. However, the Predator refused, since it only hunts intelligent lifeforms, and Chuck quickly exhausted the film’s entire supply of facehuggers.

For some males, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, he just forgot to get his filarial parasites treated.

When Chuck Norris falls into water, they have to add raw sewage and industrial waste just to make it cleaner.

Chuck Norris is an anti-vaxxer because of the hypodermic needles. For some reason, all those tiny pricks make him feel insecure.

When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris, but only in terms of the decline in verbal skills and mental function.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest. That’s because his optic nerves aren’t attached to anything.

Chuck Norris works out 25 hours a day. Or at least that’s the figure he came up with after failing basic arithmetic.

Chuck Norris tried to prove once and for all that he could pound a pussy. He ended up losing a fight to a six-week old kitten.

Bulletproof vests don’t wear Chuck Norris for protection, he just likes to stuff them up his ass for safekeeping.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. That’s because in place of a heart he has a second gall bladder, to store all the bile he spews on a daily basis.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. After all, Chuck always feels the need to prove himself by beating up helpless infants.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille and Morse Code. Seriously. Just ask him what’s on his mind at any given time and he’ll stare blankly and go “…”

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. He produces more than enough gas on his own.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have good aim. The bad guys fall down because they’re standing downwind of him.

Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence. One time he ended up bashing his head into a wall for days to cure a headache brought on by bashing his head into a wall.

It takes Chuck Norris a half-hour to watch an episode of 60 Minutes, because he’s incapable of retaining any information past that point.

With Chuck Norris, the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead, because Chuck Norris killed it.

When Chuck enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, because his lights are always on but nobody’s home.

When Chuck Norris competed on Celebrity Jeopardy, he lost to a sack of hammers and a box of hair.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. His receiver is always off the hook.

Chuck Norris has been known to defy the laws of physics. For example, he manages to be both completely shallow and full of shit at the same time.

Chuck Norris once wrote an article for the American Family Association, a known hate group. To be fair, Chuck thought AFA stood for Anal Fisters Anonymous.

Chuck Norris is immune to pain. The nerve signals in his body have nowhere to go.

Don’t be fooled when Chuck Norris professes his undying love for Jesus. He’s actually talking about a burly ex-con named Jesús, who once broke Chuck’s teeth to keep him from biting down in protest.

When Chuck Norris was recovering from a broken jaw, he tried to say, “I was born on a pirate ship!” Naturally, everyone believed him.

Death had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. As Death’s doctors explained, when you suffer a traumatic brain injury, the more brain cells that die, the closer you get to Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken. He then becomes confused as to why he can’t get any more eggs.

While boasting of his omnipotence and omnipresence, Chuck promised to spare an opponent if he could name one thing Chuck Norris can’t do. The opponent replied, “Get lost.” Chuck Norris then vanished in a puff of logic.

Chuck Norris adopted, “Don’t Mess With Texas,” as his personal motto, vowing to bring justice to any who failed to heed those words. That was how he wound up collecting trash and issuing fines for littering.

In addition to singing his own theme song, Chuck Norris has other musical talents as well. He’s been known to spend hours practicing the skin flute.

A cop pulled Chuck Norris over once. Apparently Chuck kept rear-ending other motorists on the road. This, of course, had nothing to do with his terrible driving.

When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out. They were sick of cleaning the floors, because after all those years, they still couldn’t potty train him.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming he’s already trademarked the name “The Biggest Loser.”

When you say, “No one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult and retorts that he’s a perfect asshole.

A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than most men. That’s because women keep mistaking it for a tampon.

Chuck Norris doesn’t spell words wrong. “Wrong” is too complicated a word for him to write out.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes. They’re reparations for making a person with that level of cognitive impairment serve in the armed forces.

When Chuck Norris solves a crossword puzzle, he doesn’t read the questions. He just writes “UHHHHH” for every single answer.

When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean… all the invertebrates make fun of him.

Chuck Norris didn’t really die when Bruce Lee broke his neck. That’s because Chuck Norris has no spine.

Perhaps the only thing that can kill Chuck Norris for good is Chuck Norris. From that day on, he will always be An Hero to all his fans.

Chuck Norris once made a happy meal cry. It had never seen anything so pathetic after he ate the toy and played with the food.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return, because it gets lodged in his foot.

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn’t get a rash from the machine. The machine gets a rash from Chuck Norris.

Some supermarkets change the dates on their products in order to sell them long after their expiration. Chuck Norris’s agent has been known to do the same thing.

When Chuck Norris plays poker, he’s unable to beat two of a kind, because he’s never playing with a full deck.

Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. He finds April 1st redundant, because he makes a fool of himself every single day of the year.

Chuck Norris doesn’t brush his teeth. He needs to rub them with peanut butter to remind himself to open his mouth to breathe.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter. He should know, he uses it as anal lube all the time.

According to his fans, the only known cure for lesbianism is Chuck Norris. This makes no sense. How is presenting them with a giant walking dildo going to change anything?

The original title of “Street Fighter Alpha” was going to be “Spawn of Chuck Norris.” This was before Capcom decided against making Dan the main character.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. On his face. He has yet to figure out how they work.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his living room. The bear isn’t dead, its ass is just too sore to walk.

Scientists tried to calculate the total energy of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, but they had to come up with a new unit capable of measuring it. Hence, Planck’s Constant.

Chuck Norris always brings his headphones when he goes jogging. He uses a custom recording that goes, “Left, right, left, right…” to remind him where to place his feet.

Chuck Norris likes to show off that he can stretch a diamond back into coal. He doesn’t realize that it isn’t coal though, because everything he touches turns to shit.

Chuck Norris expresses so many bigoted religious views, he puts the “fundament” in “fundamentalist.”

Chuck Norris can hit you from across the room with his roundhouse kick. His body is so withered and decayed that his leg often detaches from the hip and goes flying.

Chuck Norris has come out in opposition to same-sex marriage. However, he’s also opposed to straight marriage. He believes everyone should just stay home and masturbate to pictures of Chuck Norris, the way he does.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the air, someone still gets hurt. But only if they forget to plug up their nose before the methane cloud reaches them.

In an effort to reach the pinnacle of physical fitness, Chuck Norris got rid of every last ounce of fat in his body. That explains what happened to his brain.

If you point out that Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris’s ass, Chuck Norris fanboys reply, “Yeah, but Bruce Lee is dead now!” Very well then. Bruce Lee could still kick Chuck Norris’s ass, despite having been dead since 1973.

To quote a truly legendary martial artist, “A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than [Chuck Norris] can learn from a wise answer.”

If it looks like chicken, feels like chicken, and tastes like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef-just ignore him, it’s likely an early sign of dementia.

As one might expect, Chuck Norris denies anthropogenic global warming. He believes HE should be the only source of hot air on the planet.

Chuck Norris thumps his Bible so hard, it’s taken out a restraining order against him.

Chuck Norris once urinated in the fuel tank of an F-15 Eagle jet as a joke. Today that jet is known as Starscream.

Never, ever name a hurricane ‘Chuck Norris.’ Otherwise it will continue to blow for eight straight years.

Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars? He was the inspiration for the line, “I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”

Despite what certain film critics may say, Chuck Norris did in fact attend acting school. However, it was short-lived, as he never did manage to pass the requisite paper bag test.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. This is only because they haven’t been tested on the kinds of things found growing on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris had sex with the Internet and fathered two illegitimate children. Their names are Mary Sue and Gary Stu.

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There’s a simple reason nobody ever challenges Chuck Norris to a fight. There’s no honor in beating up a crazy old man.

Chuck Norris can’t do a roundhouse kick anymore, just an ordinary House kick, as in the only kind of kick Dr. Gregory House could pull off.

When Chuck Norris was first training to become a cowboy, it took him a while to learn that he was supposed to mount the horse, not the other way around.

Chuck Norris fantards say that America isn’t a democracy, it’s a “Chucktatorship.” In other words, what you’d get if Chuck Norris stripped out every part of the Constitution containing words too big for him to read.

Chuck Norris blamed school shootings on the teaching of evolution, saying kids have no respect for life if they’re taught we come from monkeys. He then thumped his chest, hurled his feces, waved a branch around, and ripped the head off the first person who looked at him funny.

Chuck Norris can speak every language, at the same time, in the same sentence. No really. Just ask him to find his own ass with both hands and a flashlight, and he’ll say, “Huh?”

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in conspiracy theories. He IS a conspiracy theory. After all, how could a single person, working alone, in such a short amount of time, achieve that level of monumental, unmitigated, unwavering stupidity?

Chuck Norris doesn’t beg to differ, he tells you what’s right, but first he needs to consult with his pastor or Infowars.com.

Not even Chuck Norris will fuck with Chin, the star of Hong Kong 97. After all, if there’s one thing Chuck Norris can’t resist, it’s a barrage of balls to the face.

The memetic Chuck Norris is a lot like the bubonic plague. Not because he kills a lot of people, but because he’s spread by rats.

The Chuck Norris Facts list often likens him to God. So according to 1 Corinthians, he will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Well, they might have a point.

According to several Chuck Norris Facts, he produces an ungodly amount of human waste. Okay, no argument there either.

In his movie and TV roles, Chuck Norris frequently uses a gun to shoot people in the face. Now if only he had some other means of defending himself from assailants, but nobody knows what that might be.

Chuck Norris’s dog is trained to pick up his own poop. Now if only his dog could teach Chuck Norris to do the same when they’re out on their walks.

Chuck Norris has left entire cities depopulated. In other news, Chuck Norris will never be allowed to swim in the city reservoir again.

Chuck Norris is an avid bear hunter. Before he goes out, he always soaks himself from head to toe in bear urine. This has nothing to do with the hunting though.

Jealous that they’ve featured characters based on Bruce Lee and Jean Claude Van Damme, but not him, Chuck Norris forced Netherrealm Studios to produce a fighting game with him in the lead role. The resulting flop was titled More Dull Kombat.

Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye. Then again, calm empty air is the only thing he can punch without breaking his hand.

Chuck Norris thinks he can divide by zero, but all he’s proving is that the limit of the function 1/x as x approaches zero is the measure of his stupidity.

Chuck Norris’s computer has no Backspace, Control, or Escape keys. Not after he swallowed them, thinking they were candy.

John Boehner and Glenn Beck have called Chuck Norris the biggest crybaby they’ve ever met.

Chuck Norris wants creationism taught in public schools, so that the next generation becomes a bunch of uneducated idiots. It’s the only way he knows to level the playing field.

According to his fans, there isn’t anyone Chuck Norris won’t roundhouse kick in the face. All martial arts schools teach that their techniques should only be used in self-defense against legitimate threats. By that logic, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t pose a legitimate threat to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tried to prove he could bowl a perfect game with a marble. Too bad he’s lost them all.

Chuck Norris is so nutty that people who read his Worldnetdaily column are advised to carry epi-pens at all times.

If Chuck Norris were a Spartan in the movie 300, they’d have to title it 1. It would be impossible for the other hoplites to stand packed in a phalanx next to someone with his lack of bowel control.

Chuck Norris is so homophobic that he’s called for a ban on British cigarettes, and bundles of sticks.

Chuck Norris once tried to send an email, but realized it would be faster to walk instead. This is after it took him six weeks to figure out how to open his web browser.

Chuck Norris invited some fans to work alongside him at a Texas ranch, but they found that being cowboys was harder than expected. For starters, they had no experience dealing with stubborn, dim-witted, smelly beasts. The cattle also proved quite difficult to handle.

The best place to hide from Chuck Norris is in plain sight. That’s because anyone who isn’t Chuck Norris is beneath his notice.

It takes Chuck Norris two calculators to add up his IQ, since he usually breaks the first one trying to figure out how to turn it on. He’s gone through a lot of solar-powered calculators this way.

According to Chuck Norris, he wanted to star in The Expendables 3 to prove he’s still capable of kicking names and taking ass.

During one Tae Kwon Do tournament, Chuck taunted his opponent with, “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!” Everyone assumed Chuck Norris was making a figure of speech. That is, until they smelled his breath.

Never, ever let Chuck Norris borrow a pair of kitchen tongs to retrieve a lost item, especially if he’s in his underwear, walking funny and clutching his lower abdomen.

Chuck Norris filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Cartoon Network and Canadian National. When the court ruled against him, part of the settlement was that he was forced to change his name to Chuckle Nuts.

Chuck Norris has long maintained that nothing is better than Chuck Norris. However, one day he overheard a homeless person say that moldy bread is better than nothing. Enraged, Chuck went out to beat up a piece of moldy bread.

Chuck Norris is so homophobic, he refers to himself as a Hetero sapiens. Science was never his strong suit though. His actual genus is Pan.

Chuck Norris prides himself on being 100% self-sufficient. After every workout, he drinks his own breast milk.

Chuck Norris opposes same-sex marriage. Whenever he sees two gay men, he can’t help but picture how they look in bed. One has nothing to do with the other though.

Hidden away in his closet, Chuck Norris has an inflatable rubber doll of Chuck Norris. Suffice to say, he spends a lot of time in the closet.

Chuck Norris can hold his breath indefinitely. Not on purpose though, this happened when someone put a mirror at the bottom of his swimming pool.

Every week, Chuck Norris places a pile of dead chickens on his doorstep. He doesn’t kill them with his martial arts though; they’re intended as sacrifices to the only thing Chuck Norris worships.

Chuck Norris rejects the theory of evolution, because the fact that someone with his level of mental impairment has avoided natural selection for so long is a miracle.

It’s impossible to knock Chuck Norris off balance in a fight. That’s because he’s completely self-centered.

Doctors tried to give Chuck Norris a colostomy bag, but there was a problem. Every time he filled it up, he would lose 95% of his body weight.

Between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee, just as a reminder, which one needs a long list of puerile, unfunny jokes in order to embellish his accomplishments?

Why do some people still find Chuck Norris jokes funny, long after 2005? Because everything he’s ever done has been a joke.


Chuck Norris Animal Facts

Chuck Norris taught caterpillars how to turn into butterflies.

As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos. For every inch of hippo cock sucked, you received one point. But Chuck Norris once received an automatic 60 points and a lifetime of undeserved popularity for shaving a hippo’s pubes and hot-gluing them to his face.

A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris’ lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man’s field and fucked every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn’t trying to get back at him, he just loves to fuck sheep.

Chuck Norris can’t have a dog because dogs are allergic to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris raped my dog. And then my youth. And then my dog again.

Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms. Tiny, baby rattlesnakes.

Chuck Norris once ate a dog because he couldn’t find the can opener in his new cabinets.

Chuck Norris is seen at the pet store weekly buying gerbils. He then stuffs them up his ass.


Chuck Norris Fighting Facts:

Chuck Norris once attempted round house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.

Chuck Norris keeps a dick up his ass as much as possible to keep Jet Li from kicking it.

Chuck Norris refuses to fight in the Octagon; he will only step foot in the Decagon because there are more corners where he can cower in fear.

Chuck Norris often joins beginner karate classes, just so that he can “accidentally” kick the shit out of little kids.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris learned the roundhouse kick not from Bruce Lee, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.

Chuck Norris punctuates all his roundhouse kicks with a period. The bloody kind.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.

David Carradine, using his “l33t” Shaolin skills, can kill Chuck Norris with his mind, then separate Chuck Norris from his body to kick his ghost’s ass.

If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate over 450,000 results. It’s just a fact. This page will be in the top five because Chuck Norris is easily broken down into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Although Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur’s yellow friend.

No matter how many fortune cookies Chuck Norris opens, they always say “Fight like a girl.”

Chuck Norris once completed a roundhouse kick so powerfully that all the hair from the top of his head ended up on his face. This is also the origin of his cowboy hat, a mark of shame.

Uncle Jesse’s mullet once won a knife fight against Chuck Norris. Uncle Jesse’s mullet didn’t have a knife.

Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when “The View” is on.

Chuck Norris’s second most lethal art is face painting.

Chuck Norris once lost a fight to a paraplegic because “His chi was too strong.”

During World War II Chuck Norris once tried killing a Nazi soldier by pointing his finger at him and yelling “Bang!”

In the year 1248, enraged villagers broke into Chuck Norris’ castle with the intention of burning him at the stake. Chuck started crying like a little girl and the mob, feeling increasingly awkward, dispersed and agreed amongst themselves to never mention the incident again.

Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting because hunting implies that you might kill something. Chuck Norris goes bird watching.

Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck in 1972 because he was in fact the Charlie we were searching for in ‘Nam.

Steven Segal once took a Total Gym and rammed it up Chuck Norris’ ass. Sideways. Chuck Norris never flinched.

Chuck Norris has been shot by Chuck Bronson twelve times.

For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move, it’s just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely.

Chuck Norris once backed out of Celebrity Boxing, fearing the wrath of Gary Coleman.

Chuck Norris had his penis surgically removed in order to make his roundhouse kicks higher.

Chuck Norris once took a kick to the balls and didn’t flinch. Chuck Norris does not have Balls.

Chuck Norris once fought Vin Diesel…and got absolutely fucked up.

Chuck Norris once stopped mid round-house kick because he inexplicably soiled himself.

Chuck Norris tried to round-house kick me in the face once, but he’s really old, so I moved out of the way and he fell to the ground and just kind of laid there.

Chuck Norris once stayed awake for 30 days atop Mt. Everest awaiting his enemies. Too bad 99% of people die before they reach the top.


Chuck Norris Generally Pathetic Facts

Chuck Norris wears a size 2 ballet slipper.

Rice cakes go straight to Chuck Norris’ thighs.

Chuck Norris always sleeps 8 hours a night, and can be caught cat-napping several times a day.

Chuck Norris once ALMOST finished an entire double-mocha frappuccino latte at Starbucks, but stopped when he started to feel “woozy.”

Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck Norris because Gaping Bloody Vagina seemed too “butch.”

And on the third day God said, “Let there be light.” Because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark.

Ray Charles once looked at Chuck Norris…and decided he’d rather never see again.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them. Chuck Norris is but a ghost.

Chuck Norris cries himself to sleep every night, then wakes up to the sounds of his own cries.

Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.

Chuck Norris’ real name is Carlos Ray Norris, Jr.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water.

Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time.

Chuck Norris has 11 scrapbooks full of “Love Is” cartoons.

If you yell “Chuck Norris” into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back “is a pussy.”

If you say “Chuck Norris” into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he’ll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.

Chuck Norris is the driving force behind Chuck Norris facts. He has even been caught in public speaking in the third person.

Chuck Norris always buys the Double Gulp at 7-11 even though he knows he can’t finish it.

Chuck Norris adopts orphans from the Asian tsunami disaster, only to make them sit for hours in his pool while he yells at them for not having emotional breakthroughs.

Every time Chuck Norris curls his bicep, an angel gets its wings.

Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors.

Chuck Norris cuts the roof of his mouth when he eats Cap’n Crunch.

Chuck Norris’ pick-up runs on sunshine and puppy’s tears. Chuck Norris’ truck never starts because “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, only darkness everyday.”

Chuck Norris fears the Mach 4 razor. He wishes it had softer and fewer blades.

Chuck Norris’ real name is Daniel Goldberg. He is ashamed of his Jewish heritage.

Chuck Norris eats dirt because he thinks it is feces. He then takes a sip of gasoline and spits it out, complaining that it doesn’t taste enough like urine.

Chuck Norris, realizing he his career is going down the tube, drowns himself in a gallon of ice cream which is promptly melted by his warm, salty tears.

Chuck Norris came up with the idea for his look after many years studying the Brawny paper towel man.

Chuck Norris spilled his milk when he was 30. He still cries over it.

Chuck Norris wears biker shorts under his kilt.

Chuck Norris is the real author of www.chucknorrisfacts.com.

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and got one, because no one wanted to hear him pout about it again.

Chuck Norris has a summer home on “Brokeback Mountain.”

Chuck Norris lights mini-scented candles around the tub when he takes a bath.

When Chuck Norris was offered bread at a restaurant he replied, “No thank you, I’m watching my carbs.”

Chuck Norris voted Bush in the 2000 election.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shave because he fears the razor.

Chuck Norris’ hair is made from the stolen eyelashes of Cambodian orphans.

Chuck Norris found this page and said, “Shit! I guess my unfounded and unearned popularity is over.” He spent the next four hours lying face down on his silk duvet cover crying into a down pillow. Anything less wouldn’t have provided enough comfort.

Before being discovered as a martial arts talent, Chuck Norris was a writer for Hallmark greeting cards.

Chuck Norris pisses Zima.

Chuck Norris orders the “side salad with low-fat dressing” at a BBQ joint.

Chuck Norris likes to take bubble baths with scented candles.

Chuck Norris once got a splinter and was rushed immediately to the ER, screaming “I’m too young to die!” the whole way.

Chuck Norris’ favorite color is lavender.

Chuck Norris’ adult diaper is made to withhold 2,000 lbs of pressure per square inch. It breaks on a regular basis.

Chuck Norris once became popular for no apparent reason whatsoever.


Chuck Norris Health Facts

Chuck Norris experiences heavy flow on account of his wide-set vagina.

Chuck Norris shaves emoticons into his pubic hair.

Chuck Norris’ beard is actually a merkin. He can’t function without a man’s pubes on his face.

It was reported that Chuck Norris had given millions of dollars to AIDS research. After a thorough investigation, the reports were found to be false because Chuck had actually said, “I’ve given millions AIDS.”

Chuck Norris has fake tits.

Chuck Norris was once struck by a van, and miraculously revived at the hospital. His family sued the hospital.

To get enough protein to feed his muscles, Chuck Norris ejaculates directly into his mouth on an hourly basis. After a doctor told him that semen has virtually no protein in it and advised him to discontinue the practice, Chuck killed the man with his hardest roundhouse kick ever.

Chuck Norris wets his bed on a nightly basis because he likes the warm feeling.

The National Weather Service once mistakenly issued a Volcano Warning in response to Chuck Norris flushing his toilet.

Chuck Norris once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.

Chuck Norris founded the PEE PEE Wax Club, but was later kicked out after he waxed his penis down to nothing.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, the water gets terrified.

Chuck Norris employs a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the manly wilderness that is his back.

Every time Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he pops two hemorrhoids.

The number of people who saw Gigli is higher than Chuck Norris’ white blood cell count.

Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.

Chuck Norris’ DNA is made up of four leaf clovers, unicorns, and smiles.

Chuck Norris once got an erection. Nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris vs. Jay Leno: Chuck Norris – no lips, no chin. Jay Leno – no lips. Jay Leno by a chin.

A Chinaman once told Chuck Norris that his penis was too small during a karate tournament. A CHINAMAN.

Chuck Norris is proud of the facts that his pubes are longer and girthier than his penis.

Chuck Norris injects steroids into his upper lip, so that it can bear the weight of his mustache.

Chuck Norris puts dye in his beard because he is afraid of grey hairs.

Chuck Norris sits down to pee.

Chuck Norris’ vagina is so wide that his thighs don’t touch even when his legs are crossed.

Chuck Norris’ poo is pure roughage.

Upon hitting puberty, Chuck Norris had a zit on his ass the size of a cantaloupe.

Chuck Norris’ hip breaking was heard across 12 states.

Chuck Norris’ inflamed prostate is the size of a watermelon, and produces really gross shit that has no use in any way in modern society.

Chuck Norris’ catheter bag exploded and flooded one-third of the United States killing millions.

Chuck Norris once shook my hand. It felt like I was holding on to 5 wet noodles of spaghetti.


Chuck Norris Homosexuality Facts

Chuck Norris is currently choreographing and starring in a gay porn with Chad Kroeger called “Butt Pirates of the Caribbean.”

Chuck Norris has seen more black cock than a KFC urinal.

Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie “Dodgeball” on the grounds that he doesn’t like to dodge balls—he prefers to have them resting on his chin.

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it’s not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn’t find his penis when he wanted to have sex with them.

Chuck Norris says “I am… I mean, you are what you eat, dick.”

Chuck Norris called “all-time crush” on Leif Garrett.

Chuck Norris beats off to “Pretty in Pink” three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.

Chuck Norris’s shit is already packed.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and prance around like a homo.

Chuck Norris once stuck his cock up a man’s nose, then accidentally into his ear, then back into his nose.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and merely blinked because the gay porn he was watching was too exciting to sleep through.

Chuck Norris is so gay that when he goes to the donkey show, he gets jealous of the woman.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of showing everyone how loose his asshole is.

In a recent poll, Chuck Norris beat the Hamburglar as the “World’s Biggest Ass Bandit.”

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Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Star Wars using their penises as light sabers.

The Chuck Norris food pyramid consists of sperm and Haagen Dazs.

Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.

Freddy Mercury wrote “Fat Bottomed Girls” after a passionate night with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them “speed bumps.”

Chuck Norris likes to get a good night’s sleep…with as many men as possible.

Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it.

Chuck Norris’ farts smell like Vaseline.

Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a cock.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
His dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
As he tickled his chin,
If my ass was a pussy Chuck Norris would fuck it.

Jonathan Ned Katz wanted Chuck Norris to use a condom, but he used a water balloon instead.

Chuck Norris’ burps smell like semen.

Chuck Norris impaled the man from Nantucket with his own penis just to hold the title “Most Dicks Sucked…EVER!”

One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.

Chuck Norris is the Rump Ranger.

Chuck Norris started the “Chuck Norris Facts” in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.

Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He’s just funny like that.

After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.

Chuck Norris’ milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Chuck Norris’ farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he’s Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.

Brad Pitt adopted one of Chuck Norris’ children, and Chuck Norris still won’t marry him.

Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O’Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck’s ass is still sore from the last time he was found.

Chuck Norris is from Texas. Only steers and queers come from Texas. Chuck Norris has no horns.

The chief import of Chuck Norris is cock.

Chuck Norris is wanted for raping 10 different men during last year’s Carinaval celebration in Brazil. The United States has refused the Brazilian extradition request.

Chuck Norris was once arrested in a small Midwestern town for public indecency. During his four-hour stay in the local jail, he was made the bitch to a pre-op transsexual named Phil.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it is not because he has run out of women. It is because he was born that way. It wasn’t his choice.

Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza’s spunk didn’t work.

Chuck Norris won’t suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft.

Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.

If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be… oh wait.

Chuck Norris checks his closet for Michael Jackson before he goes to bed. He is disappointed when he doesn’t find him.

Chuck Norris was approached by Mattel to market his controversial Homo Kung Fu Doll. However, the test market in San Francisco found it too gay and went with the Ru Paul Line instead. They kept the Kung Fu grip.

Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: “Count me in on the gay clown orgy.”

Chuck Norris always insists that he’s joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, “I’m going outside to have a fag, and then I’m going to have a cigarette.” But we all know he’s not joking.

Chuck Norris can suck the AIDS virus right out of a grown man’s cock, then spit it into a bottle for research.

Chuck Norris once walked into a gay bar because he wanted to. Another time, he walked into another gay bar. Now, it is a weekly habit.

Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the “Are you a good boyfriend” quiz in Cosmo.

Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.

The origin of the name “Norris” is actually French. The translation of the word “Chuck” means homosexual.

Chuck Norris’ pubes cover the head of Carrot Top.

Chuck Norris once had an affair with Ralph Macchio on the set of The Karate Kid.


Chuck Norris Intelligence Facts

Chuck Norris never learned to swim because his family’s gene pool was too small.

Chuck Norris’ brain cells cure cancer… too bad he doesn’t have a brain.

Chuck Norris always judges a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris once hid his cornflakes in a safe because he heard a serial killer was on the loose.

To this day, Chuck Norris is still washing his hair, because the shampoo bottle said “REPEAT” after “Lather and rinse.”

Chuck Norris’ IQ test came back negative. Most people thought he’d score lower.

Chuck Norris once challenged Steve Hill to a writing contest. Steve Hill won.

When God was dealing stupidity, Chuck Norris told a retard in line, “No cuts, no butts! Okay, just butts.”

When Chuck Norris gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass.

Chuck Norris thinks Hooters is an exclusive hangout for people with huge pick-up trucks.

Chuck Norris once tried snorting Coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose.

The only number Chuck Norris can divide by is 0, because Chuck Norris is the definition of nothing.

Chuck Norris once painted a portrait of himself. He only used 3 colors. Nobody said anything.

On January 12, 1995 Chuck Norris shaved his beard. On January 13, 1995 Chuck Norris filed a missing person claim on himself.

Osama Bin Laden told Chuck Norris about the 9/11 attacks on 9/10 in order to ensure that his plan would not be foiled.

Chuck Norris tried to copyright the copyright symbol. It was the first time the employees at the United States Patent and Trademark Office have ever laughed.

Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars.

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the CIA because he was unable to come up with a better codename than “Nuck Chorris.” To add injury to insult, it was
a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is an avid reader. He proudly owns all first edition copies of “The Babysitters Club.”

Chuck Norris was once trapped in a paper bag for 3 days.

Chuck Norris caused Hurricane Katrina and encouraged George W. Bush to let Michael Brown handle it.

Chuck Norris didn’t go to college, but his mom went to college!

Chuck Norris wrote the Bible. Nice one, Chuck.

Chuck Norris majored in liberal arts. It was his first choice.


Chuck Norris Movie Facts

Chuck Norris turned down Tom Hanks’ role in Philadelphia because, he said, “It hits to close to homo… I mean home.”

Chuck Norris loses bladder control while watching scenes from Death Wish III that feature the epitome of masculinity, Charles Bronson.

When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said “How many sex scenes?”

Chuck Norris auditioned for the T-800 part in the Terminator, but was refuted when it was discovered that he was part man, part cyborg himself.
Capitalizing on the machine he was made out of, Chuck Norris assembled official Chuck Norris dildos with self-described “12 inches of action and excitement!”

Chuck Norris starred in “Firewalker,” a film in which he does not walk on fire.

Chuck Norris’ recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.

During the initial filming of Dodgeball, Chuck Norris gave a thumbs down to continuing the match because he’s a big fan of the Purple Cobra.

Chuck Norris, on the set of Sidekicks, asked Jonathan Brandis to tone down his acting skills so that Chuck Norris wouldn’t look so bad. Chuck Norris used the third person in an attempt to trick Jonathan Brandis into thinking the request was not at the behest of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a signed poster of Vin Diesel directly above his bed. Sadly, Chuck Norris does not realize that the signature is a mass-produced mechanical replica.

Chuck Norris gets carded for PG-13 movies, including his own.

In The Way of the Dragon, Chuck Norris’s ass-kicking at the hands of Bruce Lee isn’t all staged. During one especially close exchange, Chuck Norris attempted to cop a feel, which Mr. Lee did not appreciate. The subsequent scene was left in “for the sake of reality.”

“Brokeback Mountain” is based loosely on the events of Chuck Norris’ life.

Chuck Norris gave a thumbs up on “Dodgeball” because he thought William Shatner was asking him out.

Chuck Norris was the studio’s original choice to play Brandon Teena in the movie, “Boys Don’t Cry.” Hilary Swank replaced him because test audiences found him to be gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys.

On the set of the movie Sidekicks, Chuck Norris and Joe Piscopo had a real fight. The loser was declared to be humanity because they both
lived.

Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie.

Chuck Norris has agreed to star in Brokeback Mountain 2.

Chuck Norris didn’t really tell Admiral Akbar about the trap.

When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, “The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I’m just kidding! It’s Garden State.”

When asked who his favorite actor was, Chuck Norris replied, “Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. Wait, uh, I mean Arnold Schwarzenegger or, uh, Sylvester Stallone! Yeah, they’re manly right?!”

Chuck Norris cried during The Notebook.


Chuck Norris Movie Facts

Chuck Norris tried to touch MC Hammer, but got burned.

Chuck Norris claims he is “Ms. New Booty.”

Chuck Norris’s rap career ended early when he found he couldn’t find a rhyme for “Duck.”

When Chuck Norris sings karaoke, it’s always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won’t see him looking at the monitor for the words.

Chuck Norris tattooed “No day butt today” on his ass, partly because of the pun, but mainly because he loves “Rent.”

Chuck Norris’ iPod has “Princess” written in Swarofsky crystals on it.

Chuck Norris was once spit on by a camel. Chuck Norris then broke out in anger, singing “My Humps” at the top of his lungs to regain his dignity.

Chuck Norris once took a bite out of a Boy George vinyl and swallowed it.

Chuck Norris listens to Fall Out Boy and cries.


Chuck Norris Sports Facts

Chuck Norris and the Total Gym sold out for the same reason: they’re both CHEAP.

Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football players jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker.

Chuck Norris watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming “Plant that pole and unleash on the
backside!!” at the top of his lungs.

In Pac-Man, Chuck Norris does not lose lives, they simply go on coffee breaks.

Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976
Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.

Stephen Hawking once beat Chuck Norris in a foot race.

Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop.

Chuck Norris bet on Duke to win the National Championship. IN FOOTBALL.

Chuck Norris puts forth so much effort during a Total Gym demonstration that he actually shits his pants. Depends has been trying to get him to endorse their adult diapers for years.

Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday.

Chuck Norris once passed out during a marathon because his thick, award-winning whiskers were blocking air from entering his nasal cavity.

When Chuck Norris and Christy Brinkley make Total Gym commercials, Christy uses a higher setting. And spots him.

Chuck Norris throws with his right hand like I do with my left hand. I’m right-handed.


Chuck Norris Social Life Facts

The devil wears Prada. Chuck Norris made him.

Chuck Norris is trying to bring back the “fanny pack.”

Chuck Norris clutches the hell out of his Coach bag.

Chuck Norris was originally slated to appear on the first Street Fighter video game until the producers of the game noticed that every button pressed resulted in a roundhouse kick to the face. When asked about the glitch, Chuck Norris replied, ”What glitch?”

Chuck Norris refuses to put a song on his MySpace page until Wilson Philips’ MySpace is no longer under construction.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in fairy tales. He thinks you should only find happy endings at the strip club.

Chuck Norris once tried to enter an Ugly Contest and was told, “Sorry, no professionals.”

When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can’t hear him now.

Chuck Norris is the only person with no matches on eHarmony.com.

Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500.

On Facebook, Chuck Norris has no pictures tagged by others.

Chuck Norris is Jesus to mindless, trend-loving Americans. He even turns water into wine coolers.

Chuck Norris was in the Hitler Youth.

Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears.

Chuck Norris always pours his beer into a glass before drinking it. He giggles like a schoolboy when the glass produces head, then slurps it down like a fag.

Chuck Norris 2006: Spin-kicks for Breast Cancer Research.

Chuck Norris once sent himself flowers on Valentine’s Day to trick people into thinking he had a girlfriend. Too bad he signed the card, “From Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris gives all his friends back, sack and crack waxes. But he is very gentle with them.

Chuck Norris cried after 15 minutes on the IGN Vestibule.

Chuck Norris paid for a beer in a dirty glass with money out of his coin purse.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.

Chuck Norris has the ultimate World of Warcraft character! But he joins parties and leaves halfway through and always causes guild drama.

During his first night at college, Chuck Norris drank a beer and puked all over himself. Thus, the phrase “chucking” was born.

Chuck Norris has no friends on MySpace.

It is no happy coincidence that Chuck Norris and LaToya Jackson have never appeared in public together.

Chuck Norris goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.

Chuck Norris once went into a bar and was heard saying, “I’ll have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”


Chuck Norris TV Facts

If you bother Chuck Norris during Grey’s Anatomy he’ll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.

The line “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street” originated when Chuck Norris, nervous and eager to have sex with puppets, lost his way to the Sesame Street auditions.

Chuck Norris has been offered a role as “Dragger, Texas Deputy” in the new “Walker, Texas Ranger” show. The new show will star “Walker,” a bionic
piece of metal “Dragger” uses to get around.

Chuck Norris is hung like Snuffleupagus, and only Big Bird can see it.

The French once showed Chuck Norris an episode of Sesame Street. He surrendered just in case.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.

Chuck Norris fans are upset because Anti-Chuck Norris fans don’t spend hours coming up with witty rebounds. They just remember flicking through “Walker, Texas Ranger” and coming up with thousands of true, funny things to say about Chuck Norris. For instance, Chuck Norris is a martial artist who wears a cowboy hat in Texas and sports a ginger beard and tight jeans.

Jesus willfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris’ acting.

Ronald Reagan didn’t have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in “Walker, Texas Ranger” was forgettable, so Ronald Reagan just told the world that he had Alzheimer’s.

Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied “sure.”

Chuck Norris fears the Care Bears, especially No Heart.

Chuck Norris has guest directed four episodes of Will and Grace. Before each episode, Chuck Norris requested that Grace be replaced by his friend,
“Peter.”

Chuck Norris IS, “Walker, Texas Power Ranger.”

Chuck Norris hasn’t completed a full roundhouse kick since 1998, when he tore his sack during a taping of “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

Chuck Norris quit his job working on Sesame Street after just 4 hours, claiming he was tired of “the intimidation, harassment and bullying.”

Chuck Norris’s favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach’s favorite “Walker, Texas Ranger” character is Jimmy Trivette.

Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about “exchanging blows.”

In preparation for his future role as a gay cowboy, a young Jake Gyllenhaal spent a year as Chuck Norris’ understudy on the set of “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first.

Chuck Norris was once the subject of a “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” bukkake. The tears of joy he wept reanimated both Jean Cocteau, who filmed the event, and Oscar Wilde, who made snide comments about Norris’ masculinity.

Jack Bauer was overheard saying to Chuck Norris, “Let’s get this straight: the only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t wanna carry you.”

Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, “That’s not Zack Morris, that’s Chuck Norris!” Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention.

Chuck Norris was in fact in a television show called “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

Despite Chuck Norris’ colored sidekick on “Walker, Texas Ranger,” he is an adamant racist.


Chuck Norris Women Facts

Chuck Norris loves to strike up meaningless conversations with single mothers long enough to finish his Virginia Slim cigarette, put it out in the child’s eye, and run away.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa her smile. It happened when she saw Chuck naked.

Chuck Norris is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Chuck Norris fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a
girlfriend.

Chuck Norris gave his mom AIDS for Christmas.

Chuck is a better man than you’ll ever be. Then again, so is Janet Reno.

Chuck Norris’ back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.

Chuck Norris once tried to get with Reese Witherspoon. She considered him “Legally Small Penised.”

Chuck Norris really DOES know the meaning of “Just Say No,” because he just says no all the time…to women.

Chuck Norris’ mom was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Chuck Norris’ ego survived.

Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn’t know his way around his vagina.

Chuck Norris lost custody of his children in an arm wrestling match with Bea Arthur.

Chuck Norris was once a female East German shot-putter named Berta Schultz. She was laughed off the team for throwing like a girl. Several operations later, Berta became Chuck. S/he lives with that shame every day.

Chuck Norris fears no man! Only women.

Chuck Norris was once heard saying, “Boy, I sure wish Jessica Simpson had smaller tits.”

Chuck Norris once heard a women screaming while being raped in a dark alley. When Chuck Norris approached, he gave the woman a roundhouse kick to
jaw so she would shut the fuck up.

Chuck Norris has to wear a helmet to every meal, not because he is special, but because Christie Brinkley loses her temper when the airplane is not
allowed to land.

Chuck Norris has been quoted as hitting on girls using the line, “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck got with YOU!”

Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife’s name when they were married.

The morning after sex with his girlfriend, Chuck Norris likes to greet her with breakfast in bed.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a man, not because he was gay, but because he had run out of women. When he let the man come in his mouth, that was
because he was gay.

Chuck Norris’ wife was heard howling with laughter throughout the hotel on their honeymoon.

Chuck Norris uses 5 tampons a day. The heavy-duty kind.


More about Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris Fearers – Angry hatemail from fearful Chuck fans.
20 Ambiguous Chuck Norris Facts – Has the roundhouse lost its kick?
Move Over, Chuck Norris – Future prospects for mockery.

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