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Chuck Norris Fearers – Angry hatemail from fearful Chuck fans.
20 Ambiguous Chuck Norris Facts – Has the roundhouse lost its kick?
Move Over, Chuck Norris – Future prospects for mockery.
Top 10 Facts – Chuck Norris’ ultimate vulnerabilities.
Submit a Fact – Share the weaknesses you know about Chuck Norris.

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When it comes to Chuck Norris, the term FACTS is an acronym for Fabrications And Completely Thoughtless Statements.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought on a bet. Loser had to start wearing a silly cowboy hat.

Chuck Norris insists he’s not gay, but he never goes out on a date without his beard.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares at them… and drools.

Chuck Norris once saved the world from a zombie apocalypse. When the zombies came to eat his brains, they starved to death.

Chuck Norris used to count sheep to fall asleep, but they kept making him horny.

Chuck Norris didn’t actually shave his beard. He held up a pair of child safety scissors and his beard retreated under his skin.

You can’t defeat Chuck Norris with a kick to the groin. There’s nothing to hit down there.

Chuck Norris once tried to imitate Jackie Chan by doing all his own stunts. That lasted until Chuck stubbed his toe and nearly bled to death.

Chuck Norris once sold his soul to the Devil, who then auctioned it off to Mike Huckabee. Okay, that’s actually not a joke.

Chuck Norris dresses up like a cowboy because, like cattle, he generates a lot of methane and even more bullshit.

Chuck Norris and Donald Trump once walked into a bar together. The building immediately exploded, because that much raw egotism cannot be contained in one place.

Chuck Norris is a creationist because he’s in denial about the fact that he wouldn’t have been born without some drunkard screwing a monkey.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and curl up into a fetal position.

The only reason Chuck Norris is so homophobic is that he’s taken way too many blows to the head.

Chuck Norris once attempted autoerotic asphyxiation like David Carradine. Fortunately, he doesn’t have any brain cells that require oxygen.

Chuck Norris tries to force his religious beliefs on others because he figures everyone else enjoys having things shoved up their ass and down their throat as much as he does.

Chuck Norris recently asked Steven Seagal how he manages to stay in such great shape.

The original Chuck Norris Facts list contains so many descriptions of depraved sex acts that even E.L. James called and asked them to tone it down.

Chuck Norris never takes a shit. Shit takes a Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris actually created a second martial art. It’s called Dil Do, the art of fucking oneself.

Forest Warrior showed how Chuck Norris can transform into different animals. One day he turned into a jackass and forgot how to change back.

An infinite number of monkeys on typewriters given infinite time could eventually write the works of Shakespeare. Chuck Norris’s book would take 3 monkeys 5 minutes.

Chuck Norris once had ribs removed so he could lick his own ass. He promptly got his head stuck in there.

Behind Chuck Norris’s beard is a pasty, withered, bigoted old man.

Chuck Norris once went back in time and became his own father. It was force of habit.

Chuck Norris peaked in high school. That’s not a mistake, he was held back until age 40.

Chuck Norris visited baby Jesus, but was kicked out of the manger for what he tried to do to the sheep.

Chuck Norris once pointed with his finger and shouted, “BANG!” To which the hooker replied, “That’s still going to cost you.”

Chuck Norris does not cut his grass. It all withered when he breathed on it.

Chuck Norris regularly eats at Chick-Fil-A. He loves stuffing his mouth with hot, greasy cock.

Chuck Norris once tried to cash in on the Pokémon craze, but was arrested for offering to show kids his “pocket monster.”

Chuck Norris had a paper route growing up. He once lost the seat to his bicycle, but found he enjoyed it more that way.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, you’ll have to wait a few hours until he passes his watch.

Chuck Norris actually died 12 years ago. He certainly smells like it, and his level of brain function is a clear indication.

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He enjoys the smell of his own shit so much, he saves it for later so he can stick his head in and inhale deeply.

Chuck Norris doesn’t count to infinity. He just tells people to measure his stupidity.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. Scientists are still searching for signs of intelligent life in space.

Chuck Norris once tried roundhouse kicking a horse in the ass. He ended up breaking his bathroom mirror.

Chuck Norris doesn’t eat food. He’s already too full of himself.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: men couldn’t stop it from clinging to their ass.

Chuck Norris can escape from a black hole. That’s because he’s completely lacking in substance.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. They started a game of hide-and-seek as kids, and Chuck never finished counting to ten.

When a necropsy was done on the rattlesnake that bit Chuck Norris, the cause of death was found to be E. coli septicemia.

Outer Space exists because Chuck Norris’s ego takes up too much room.

Chuck Norris once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. He was aiming it at his head, which contains no vital organs.

Chuck Norris only hates Muslims because whenever they greet him in Arabic, he thinks they’re telling him to lick a salami.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already had 3 messages from Chuck Norris, who was calling to phone in yet another movie performance.

They tried to put Chuck Norris on Mt. Rushmore, but there was a problem. The granite proved to be a far better actor than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once tried marketing inspirational WWCND bracelets. However, they had to be recalled after customers kept getting the bracelets lodged in their rectum.

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called gerontophobia.

Some magicians walk on water. Chuck Norris swims on land. That’s because he struggles with the concept of walking erect.

Chuck Norris warned of a thousand years of darkness if the wrong president was elected. He wasn’t making a political statement though, that’s just how the world looks to him with his head buried in the sand.

Chuck Norris can’t make a snowman out of raindrops, but he can make a mountain out of bullshit.

Chuck Norris denies evolution because it implies everything evolved from a lower life form, like how humans evolved from apes, and rocks evolved from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris completes a pushup, they have to stop the cameras so the stage crew can come in and remove the stunt wires.

How many pushups can Chuck Norris do? He doesn’t know, he can’t count very high without taking off his boots and socks.

Chuck Norris has so many STDs that even James Bond has advised him to start using protection.

Chuck Norris once farted in an elevator. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris once contracted leprosy. He then made the painful mistake of jerking off.

Chuck Norris is like the God of Revelation: vengeful, wrathful, and wants to spend an eternity with 144,000 male virgins.

Chuck Norris once auditioned for a part in Game of Thrones. However, fans complained that now the show had one too many boobs.

Chuck Norris wishes he could run around the Earth and punch himself in the back of the head. It’s the only way he can think to dislodge all the crayons he stuffs up his nose.

Video game developers tried to base more characters on Chuck Norris in their fighting games. However, nobody could make out his likeness because he was too one-dimensional.

Chuck Norris fans love to threaten that he’ll personally beat up all his critics and detractors. In other words, they only respect him if he acts with all the dignity, discretion, and integrity of Uwe Boll.

Chuck Norris learned everything he ever needed to know in college. He attended the Creationist University of Natural Theology.

If you Google “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked,” well then congratulations on finding out about Way of the Dragon for the very first time.

Chuck Norris once drank Dracula’s blood. Not because he was trying to outdo the vampire; he just likes to ingest male bodily fluids.

Most municipalities have ordered all Chuck Norris movies removed from their police precincts. They keep confusing the bomb-sniffing dogs.

Chuck Norris discovered the location of Cheney’s secret underground bunker. When the Secret Service questioned him about it, he said he’s just very good at sniffing out Dick.

Mosquitoes and ticks don’t bite Chuck Norris. They’re afraid to catch what he has.

According to his fans, the Nazis surrendered on the day Chuck Norris was born. However, his official birthdate is March 10, 1940. This implies he was born 5 years and 2 months premature, which would actually explain a lot.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table. After all, his first and usually only instinct is to smash anything he doesn’t understand.

Chuck Norris once broke his leg to compete in the Special Olympics. The judges were too late to stop him to tell him that his test results came in, and he’s already overqualified.

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but there was a problem. It was so lacking in integrity that by the 1990s it all ran downhill.

Chuck Norris once overdosed on Viagra. However, the only thing that got stiff and wooden was his acting.

Chuck Norris once tried steroids. He had his sparring buddies inject him in the ass. He would later administer the steroids.

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How does Chuck Norris screw in a light bulb? He holds the bulb still and the world revolves around him.

Chuck Norris once tried to run for political office. However, voters got upset after he kissed their hands and shook their babies.

Chuck Norris always takes a pair of tweezers with him to the bathroom. It’s not for cosmetic purposes though, it’s just the only way he can aim when he takes a leak.

Chuck Norris is the world’s strongest man. He can knock out 100 opponents with no effort, and his very presence brings tears to the eyes of the most elite martial artists. But enough about his body odor.

They once tried to make a film titled Alien vs. Predator vs. Chuck Norris. However, the Predator refused, since it only hunts intelligent lifeforms, and Chuck quickly exhausted the film’s entire supply of facehuggers.

For some males, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, he just forgot to get his filarial parasites treated.

When Chuck Norris falls into water, they have to add raw sewage and industrial waste just to make it cleaner.

Chuck Norris is an anti-vaxxer because of the hypodermic needles. For some reason, all those tiny pricks make him feel insecure.

When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris, but only in terms of the decline in verbal skills and mental function.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest. That’s because his optic nerves aren’t attached to anything.

Chuck Norris works out 25 hours a day. Or at least that’s the figure he came up with after failing basic arithmetic.

Chuck Norris tried to prove once and for all that he could pound a pussy. He ended up losing a fight to a six-week old kitten.

Bulletproof vests don’t wear Chuck Norris for protection, he just likes to stuff them up his ass for safekeeping.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. That’s because in place of a heart he has a second gall bladder, to store all the bile he spews on a daily basis.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. After all, Chuck always feels the need to prove himself by beating up helpless infants.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille and Morse Code. Seriously. Just ask him what’s on his mind at any given time and he’ll stare blankly and go “…”

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. He produces more than enough gas on his own.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have good aim. The bad guys fall down because they’re standing downwind of him.

Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence. One time he ended up bashing his head into a wall for days to cure a headache brought on by bashing his head into a wall.

It takes Chuck Norris a half-hour to watch an episode of 60 Minutes, because he’s incapable of retaining any information past that point.

With Chuck Norris, the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead, because Chuck Norris killed it.

When Chuck enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, because his lights are always on but nobody’s home.

When Chuck Norris competed on Celebrity Jeopardy, he lost to a sack of hammers and a box of hair.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. His receiver is always off the hook.

Chuck Norris has been known to defy the laws of physics. For example, he manages to be both completely shallow and full of shit at the same time.

Chuck Norris once wrote an article for the American Family Association, a known hate group. To be fair, Chuck thought AFA stood for Anal Fisters Anonymous.

Chuck Norris is immune to pain. The nerve signals in his body have nowhere to go.

Don’t be fooled when Chuck Norris professes his undying love for Jesus. He’s actually talking about a burly ex-con named Jesús, who once broke Chuck’s teeth to keep him from biting down in protest.

When Chuck Norris was recovering from a broken jaw, he tried to say, “I was born on a pirate ship!” Naturally, everyone believed him.

Death had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. As Death’s doctors explained, when you suffer a traumatic brain injury, the more brain cells that die, the closer you get to Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken. He then becomes confused as to why he can’t get any more eggs.

While boasting of his omnipotence and omnipresence, Chuck promised to spare an opponent if he could name one thing Chuck Norris can’t do. The opponent replied, “Get lost.” Chuck Norris then vanished in a puff of logic.

Chuck Norris adopted, “Don’t Mess With Texas,” as his personal motto, vowing to bring justice to any who failed to heed those words. That was how he wound up collecting trash and issuing fines for littering.

In addition to singing his own theme song, Chuck Norris has other musical talents as well. He’s been known to spend hours practicing the skin flute.

A cop pulled Chuck Norris over once. Apparently Chuck kept rear-ending other motorists on the road. This, of course, had nothing to do with his terrible driving.

When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out. They were sick of cleaning the floors, because after all those years, they still couldn’t potty train him.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming he’s already trademarked the name “The Biggest Loser.”

When you say, “No one’s perfect,” Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult and retorts that he’s a perfect asshole.

A Chuck Norris action figure has slept with more women than most men. That’s because women keep mistaking it for a tampon.

Chuck Norris doesn’t spell words wrong. “Wrong” is too complicated a word for him to write out.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes. They’re reparations for making a person with that level of cognitive impairment serve in the armed forces.

When Chuck Norris solves a crossword puzzle, he doesn’t read the questions. He just writes “UHHHHH” for every single answer.

When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean… all the invertebrates make fun of him.

Chuck Norris didn’t really die when Bruce Lee broke his neck. That’s because Chuck Norris has no spine.

Perhaps the only thing that can kill Chuck Norris for good is Chuck Norris. From that day on, he will always be An Hero to all his fans.

Chuck Norris once made a happy meal cry. It had never seen anything so pathetic after he ate the toy and played with the food.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return, because it gets lodged in his foot.

When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn’t get a rash from the machine. The machine gets a rash from Chuck Norris.

Some supermarkets change the dates on their products in order to sell them long after their expiration. Chuck Norris’s agent has been known to do the same thing.

When Chuck Norris plays poker, he’s unable to beat two of a kind, because he’s never playing with a full deck.

Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. He finds April 1st redundant, because he makes a fool of himself every single day of the year.

Chuck Norris doesn’t brush his teeth. He needs to rub them with peanut butter to remind himself to open his mouth to breathe.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter. He should know, he uses it as anal lube all the time.

According to his fans, the only known cure for lesbianism is Chuck Norris. This makes no sense. How is presenting them with a giant walking dildo going to change anything?

The original title of “Street Fighter Alpha” was going to be “Spawn of Chuck Norris.” This was before Capcom decided against making Dan the main character.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. On his face. He has yet to figure out how they work.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his living room. The bear isn’t dead, its ass is just too sore to walk.

Scientists tried to calculate the total energy of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, but they had to come up with a new unit capable of measuring it. Hence, Planck’s Constant.

Chuck Norris always brings his headphones when he goes jogging. He uses a custom recording that goes, “Left, right, left, right…” to remind him where to place his feet.

Chuck Norris likes to show off that he can stretch a diamond back into coal. He doesn’t realize that it isn’t coal though, because everything he touches turns to shit.

Chuck Norris expresses so many bigoted religious views, he puts the “fundament” in “fundamentalist.”

Chuck Norris can hit you from across the room with his roundhouse kick. His body is so withered and decayed that his leg often detaches from the hip and goes flying.

Chuck Norris has come out in opposition to same-sex marriage. However, he’s also opposed to straight marriage. He believes everyone should just stay home and masturbate to pictures of Chuck Norris, the way he does.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the air, someone still gets hurt. But only if they forget to plug up their nose before the methane cloud reaches them.

In an effort to reach the pinnacle of physical fitness, Chuck Norris got rid of every last ounce of fat in his body. That explains what happened to his brain.

If you point out that Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris’s ass, Chuck Norris fanboys reply, “Yeah, but Bruce Lee is dead now!” Very well then. Bruce Lee could still kick Chuck Norris’s ass, despite having been dead since 1973.

To quote a truly legendary martial artist, “A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than [Chuck Norris] can learn from a wise answer.”

If it looks like chicken, feels like chicken, and tastes like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef-just ignore him, it’s likely an early sign of dementia.

As one might expect, Chuck Norris denies anthropogenic global warming. He believes HE should be the only source of hot air on the planet.

Chuck Norris thumps his Bible so hard, it’s taken out a restraining order against him.

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Chuck Norris once urinated in the fuel tank of an F-15 Eagle jet as a joke. Today that jet is known as Starscream.

Never, ever name a hurricane ‘Chuck Norris.’ Otherwise it will continue to blow for eight straight years.

Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars? He was the inspiration for the line, “I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”

Despite what certain film critics may say, Chuck Norris did in fact attend acting school. However, it was short-lived, as he never did manage to pass the requisite paper bag test.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. This is only because they haven’t been tested on the kinds of things found growing on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris had sex with the Internet and fathered two illegitimate children. Their names are Mary Sue and Gary Stu.

There’s a simple reason nobody ever challenges Chuck Norris to a fight. There’s no honor in beating up a crazy old man.

Chuck Norris can’t do a roundhouse kick anymore, just an ordinary House kick, as in the only kind of kick Dr. Gregory House could pull off.

When Chuck Norris was first training to become a cowboy, it took him a while to learn that he was supposed to mount the horse, not the other way around.

Chuck Norris fantards say that America isn’t a democracy, it’s a “Chucktatorship.” In other words, what you’d get if Chuck Norris stripped out every part of the Constitution containing words too big for him to read.

Chuck Norris blamed school shootings on the teaching of evolution, saying kids have no respect for life if they’re taught we come from monkeys. He then thumped his chest, hurled his feces, waved a branch around, and ripped the head off the first person who looked at him funny.

Chuck Norris can speak every language, at the same time, in the same sentence. No really. Just ask him to find his own ass with both hands and a flashlight, and he’ll say, “Huh?”

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in conspiracy theories. He IS a conspiracy theory. After all, how could a single person, working alone, in such a short amount of time, achieve that level of monumental, unmitigated, unwavering stupidity?

Chuck Norris doesn’t beg to differ, he tells you what’s right, but first he needs to consult with his pastor or

Not even Chuck Norris will fuck with Chin, the star of Hong Kong 97. After all, if there’s one thing Chuck Norris can’t resist, it’s a barrage of balls to the face.

The memetic Chuck Norris is a lot like the bubonic plague. Not because he kills a lot of people, but because he’s spread by rats.

The Chuck Norris Facts list often likens him to God. So according to 1 Corinthians, he will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent. Well, they might have a point.

According to several Chuck Norris Facts, he produces an ungodly amount of human waste. Okay, no argument there either.

In his movie and TV roles, Chuck Norris frequently uses a gun to shoot people in the face. Now if only he had some other means of defending himself from assailants, but nobody knows what that might be.

Chuck Norris’s dog is trained to pick up his own poop. Now if only his dog could teach Chuck Norris to do the same when they’re out on their walks.

Chuck Norris has left entire cities depopulated. In other news, Chuck Norris will never be allowed to swim in the city reservoir again.

Chuck Norris is an avid bear hunter. Before he goes out, he always soaks himself from head to toe in bear urine. This has nothing to do with the hunting though.

Jealous that they’ve featured characters based on Bruce Lee and Jean Claude Van Damme, but not him, Chuck Norris forced Netherrealm Studios to produce a fighting game with him in the lead role. The resulting flop was titled More Dull Kombat.

Chuck Norris can punch a hurricane in the eye. Then again, calm empty air is the only thing he can punch without breaking his hand.

Chuck Norris thinks he can divide by zero, but all he’s proving is that the limit of the function 1/x as x approaches zero is the measure of his stupidity.

Chuck Norris’s computer has no Backspace, Control, or Escape keys. Not after he swallowed them, thinking they were candy.

John Boehner and Glenn Beck have called Chuck Norris the biggest crybaby they’ve ever met.

Chuck Norris wants creationism taught in public schools, so that the next generation becomes a bunch of uneducated idiots. It’s the only way he knows to level the playing field.

According to his fans, there isn’t anyone Chuck Norris won’t roundhouse kick in the face. All martial arts schools teach that their techniques should only be used in self-defense against legitimate threats. By that logic, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t pose a legitimate threat to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tried to prove he could bowl a perfect game with a marble. Too bad he’s lost them all.

Chuck Norris is so nutty that people who read his Worldnetdaily column are advised to carry epi-pens at all times.

If Chuck Norris were a Spartan in the movie 300, they’d have to title it 1. It would be impossible for the other hoplites to stand packed in a phalanx next to someone with his lack of bowel control.

Chuck Norris is so homophobic that he’s called for a ban on British cigarettes, and bundles of sticks.

Chuck Norris once tried to send an email, but realized it would be faster to walk instead. This is after it took him six weeks to figure out how to open his web browser.

Chuck Norris invited some fans to work alongside him at a Texas ranch, but they found that being cowboys was harder than expected. For starters, they had no experience dealing with stubborn, dim-witted, smelly beasts. The cattle also proved quite difficult to handle.

The best place to hide from Chuck Norris is in plain sight. That’s because anyone who isn’t Chuck Norris is beneath his notice.

It takes Chuck Norris two calculators to add up his IQ, since he usually breaks the first one trying to figure out how to turn it on. He’s gone through a lot of solar-powered calculators this way.

According to Chuck Norris, he wanted to star in The Expendables 3 to prove he’s still capable of kicking names and taking ass.

During one Tae Kwon Do tournament, Chuck taunted his opponent with, “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!” Everyone assumed Chuck Norris was making a figure of speech. That is, until they smelled his breath.

Never, ever let Chuck Norris borrow a pair of kitchen tongs to retrieve a lost item, especially if he’s in his underwear, walking funny and clutching his lower abdomen.

Chuck Norris filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Cartoon Network and Canadian National. When the court ruled against him, part of the settlement was that he was forced to change his name to Chuckle Nuts.

Chuck Norris has long maintained that nothing is better than Chuck Norris. However, one day he overheard a homeless person say that moldy bread is better than nothing. Enraged, Chuck went out to beat up a piece of moldy bread.

Chuck Norris is so homophobic, he refers to himself as a Hetero sapiens. Science was never his strong suit though. His actual genus is Pan.

Chuck Norris prides himself on being 100% self-sufficient. After every workout, he drinks his own breast milk.

Chuck Norris opposes same-sex marriage. Whenever he sees two gay men, he can’t help but picture how they look in bed. One has nothing to do with the other though.

Hidden away in his closet, Chuck Norris has an inflatable rubber doll of Chuck Norris. Suffice to say, he spends a lot of time in the closet.

Chuck Norris can hold his breath indefinitely. Not on purpose though, this happened when someone put a mirror at the bottom of his swimming pool.

Every week, Chuck Norris places a pile of dead chickens on his doorstep. He doesn’t kill them with his martial arts though; they’re intended as sacrifices to the only thing Chuck Norris worships.

Chuck Norris rejects the theory of evolution, because the fact that someone with his level of mental impairment has avoided natural selection for so long is a miracle.

It’s impossible to knock Chuck Norris off balance in a fight. That’s because he’s completely self-centered.

Doctors tried to give Chuck Norris a colostomy bag, but there was a problem. Every time he filled it up, he would lose 95% of his body weight.

Between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee, just as a reminder, which one needs a long list of puerile, unfunny jokes in order to embellish his accomplishments?

Why do some people still find Chuck Norris jokes funny, long after 2005? Because everything he’s ever done has been a joke.

Top 10 Anti-Chuck Norris Facts

  1. Chuck Norris’ semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.
  2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.
  3. Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
  4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.
  5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he’s actually aged.
  6. Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn’t know where to start.
  7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.
  8. Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK-47. The gun. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.
  9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a fucking Jeep.
  10. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers’ Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.