Valentine Preparedness Advisory and Emergency Response Protocol
Romantic pressure systems are likely to develop in the coming weeks and residents are encouraged to remain calm, plan ahead, and avoid unnecessary exposure.
Tag: Satire
Valentine’s Day Notes from My Severely Color Blind Partner
Life is never blue when I’m with you. P.S. What’s blue?
Currently Seeking Workplace Crush
We are an innovative industry leader that thrives on teamwork, dedication, and low-key sexual energy.
Daily Log of a Recently Sober Pirate Captain Who’s Still Experiencing Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms
7:00 A.M.: Threw away my eye patch. Since I no longer have alcohol-induced optic neuropathy in my left eye I “SEE” no sense in keeping it.
Prop Bet Ideas from Someone Who Got Their Hand Stuck in the Toilet at Last Year’s Super Bowl Party
Will everyone agree that getting your hand stuck in the toilet actually a really common occurrence?
This Is an Ordinary Coffee Shop
The tattoos on our baristas do not rub off with a wet rag and those are actually real live septum piercings. If you don’t believe us, give one a tug.
Interview with an Instagram Poet
Have you ever considered capitalization? NO. i mean
Why Is No One Eating My Awful Potluck Dish?
What should I do? If that dish is untouched at the end of the night they'll link it back to me and never invite me to a potluck again.
Martin Scorsese Introduces the HGTV Dream Home
When we were imagining this house, I had an idea. A vision. I drew it on the back of an old napkin from the Copacabana. I called Steven, Spielberg.
This Is Just Like “1984” (The Van Halen Album)
It feels like "Diamond" David Lee Roth consulted a crystal ball and observed the world of 2026 before penning classics like "Drop Dead Legs."
Diary Entries from the Eagle Recently Hired to Eat Prometheus’s Immortal Liver for Eternity
My office’s view (a frozen summit in the Scythian Mountains) is gorg. But the taste of raw liver is growing bland.
I’m Your Radiologist Tech and I’m Not Telling You Shit
I’ll immediately learn invaluable and often extremely time sensitive information about your health. Will I tell you? Hahaha. No.