I’m Your 40-Ounce Water Bottle, and This Has Been an Emotional Rollercoaster
I started to worry once I took a few tumbles onto the driveway. The damage was limited—I am made of steel—but the emotional injury is everlasting.
Tag: Satire
Welcome to Friendly Skies; Get Ready to Be Punched in the Face
Whatever your personal weird fucking deal is, it won’t end well for you, so best not try to start it with us.
For a Nominal Fee, I’ll Scream at the School Board on Your Behalf
I’ll scream your name as many times as you’d like, or, as a new feature, I’ll rip my shirt off to reveal another shirt with a picture of you screaming.
Your Slack Wrapped 2021 Is Here!
You spent 49 hours listening to our ear-piercing message alert sound…
I Traded in My Standing Desk for a Careening-Around-A-Corner Desk and My Productivity Has Soared!
It was fantastic! In the first week, I knocked over the office water cooler 36 times!
I’d Be the Coolest Guy Ever If It Wasn’t for My Deep Respect for Authority
I never snuck out because unfortunately, my parents understood that late-night parties were an integral part of a teenager’s socialization.
Sesame Street’s First Cinephile Muppet Is an Attack on Our Nation’s Core Values
After learning that Big Bird’s top four films on Letterboxd were American, Jeremy forced Big Bird to undergo something called “Bergman Boot Camp.”
We Can’t Open the Cafe Until Someone Comes Up with a Clever Name for Our Wifi Network
You sit down with a macchiato to check Instagram, so you go to join the Wifi, and instead of a clever name, you find yourself logging on to "ATT117x"?
Welcome to Your Zen Bath Experience
You see a small cottage at the edge of the field-- “A cottage? What is this? A visualization or something?”
Heaven Be the Cross-Section of a Ship
There is one sliver of happiness, and it can be discovered only in the pages of children’s books depicting the cross-sections of ships, old and new.
The Sleepytime Tea Bear Reports a Robbery
The criminals must have also found it easy to sneak around me, due to the rug, and fireplace, and radio.
Nobody’s Ever Thankful for Me, the Folding Chair from the Spare Room Closet
I’ve seen more get-togethers than Uncle Harold, may he rest in peace. He sat his ample frame on me dozens of times. His bum was one of the good ones.