So Your Mom’s Dating Pete Davidson
Q: Do I have to call Pete Davidson "Dad"? A: No one will ever replace your biological father, but Pete Davidson will be around to keep your mom company.
Tag: Satire
After Yet Another Workplace Accident, NASA Is Banning the Following Basketball Moves
Projections show that if the current situation is allowed to continue without intervention, the vibes at NASA could reach weird levels.
And I Looked, and Behold! A Pale McRib
A demon with the head of a hamburger and the sash of an alderman materialized in my backseat. Flaps of hormone-infused beef formed his accursed lips.
Trees Clap Back at Accusation of “Less Vibrant” Fall Foliage
The heat and the rain resulted in this season’s leaf color being a shade more subdued than in past years. But God, you’d think we killed Santa Claus.
Teenage Squid Games
Going forward, we’ll tap into the pre-made horror of adolescence. A time the healthiest among you have repressed.
Memory Like a Goldfish? I’ve Got a Memory as Long as the Time You’re Going to Spend in Hell for Trapping Me in This Bowl
Are you familiar with the phrase, “Living your best life?” Do you think that’s what is going on in here?
I Am Henry Heimlich’s Arch-Rival, and I Also Invented a Very Cool Maneuver
I’m 89 years old and I’ve literally never seen Heimlich's Maneuver happen, and I’ve eaten at hundreds of sloppy lobster restaurants.
I’m the Silverfish in Your Bathtub, and I Could Really Use a Break
What did any silverfish ever do to you? We’re barely able to stop ourselves from disintegrating into dust.
For Sale: Beautiful New Home, 3 Beds, 3 Baths, and 8,723 Toilets
Everyone in the house could be pissing at the exact same time, which is something you could do if you wanted.
A Eulogy for Tom Brady (1977-2296)
When Tom first started playing, there were no 5th downs or 100-yard field goals. And every game took place on Earth, where gravity was a huge factor.
Instagram Is Permanently Banning Your Account Due to Bad Vibes
We realize it’s atypical to ban someone who hasn’t violated our Terms of Service, we strongly believe that your personality and general vibe justify an exception.
Post-Halloween Report: My Gabba Ghoul Costume Was a Flop
"This is gonna be huge," I whispered to myself, flattening the various cold cuts dangling from my body.