I Will Funge These Tokens If It’s the Last Thing I Do
By the time I’m through with your tokens, they will be funged beyond recognition. I disrupt the blockchain. I drink your milkshake. I funge your tokens.
Tag: Satire
Think You Got What It Takes to Join Our Gang, the Crabapple Boys?!
WHAT WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR… YOU: - Enjoy tippin’ over hot dog carts for craps n’ giggles - Like puttin’ pennies on train tracks and watching ‘em smoosh
Submission Guidelines for Convolution Lit
Submissions open at 3 AM on nights when our editor-in-chief looks at the night sky and feels a particular shade of melancholy.
Mice Review My Kitchen from Grad School
If you’re used to other eateries in the area, you might be surprised by the cold, but we didn’t mind cuddling up.
Peloton Instructors Coach You Through Your Mediocre New Year’s Resolutions
Okay Peloton community, we’re about to slim down that inbox! Take a deep inhale and move those unread messages straight to the trashcan.
I’m Bob from the Bob’s Red Mill Grain Bags, and I Want to Inhale a Family-Size Bag of Flamin’ Hot Fucking Cheetos
Have you ever fucking had a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto? Multiply that by fucking 800 and you’ll get an inkling about what the goddamn fuck I’m getting at.
Is He Ghosting You or Is He Ghostface from the “Scream” Franchise?
He loves late-night, steamy phone calls when I’m home alone. I always tell him it’s such a boomer move but he just loves hearing my voice!
With a Cursory Knowledge of 3D Animation and a Controlled Dose of a Psychoactive Substance, I’m the Man for Your Bowling Alley Score Screen Needs
You are entropy incarnate. Which is captured much more accurately by this clip of a frog with long, sexy lady legs that burps up the word "Strike."
January’s Poor Performance Will No Longer Be Tolerated
The Ethics Committee has taken notice of how January has benefitted from gym memberships, weight loss medications, and black-eyed peas sales for decades.
I Beg of You, Please: Don’t Order a Medium Soda
So, I mean, you wouldn’t ask me to go in there and risk an encounter with ghosts, would you? I could just give you a free upgrade to large.
It’s Me, the Sitcom Laugh Track. Just Admit It: You Miss Me
What happened to us?! It feels like only yesterday I was making sure you dimwits knew when to laugh during all sorts of zany shenanigans.
I’m the Bookcase You’re About to Move Upstairs
You ever pick up a felled tree in the woods? Of course you haven’t! That sucker probably weighs 500 pounds! That’s the stuff I’m made of, baby.