I Just Returned from Space and I Will Bring It Up at Every Social Gathering
While all of you were walking on pavement like cavemen, I was defying gravity up in space.
Tag: Satire
Doritos’ “Bold Togetherness” Pitch to Rebrand the CDC
Doritos, we’re nothing but consistent. Doritos are always crunchy. We never give conflicting guidance on how to enjoy Doritos.
Welcome to La Fromage Glissant, the Five-Star Hotel with the Most Slippery Floors
We used to be a roller disco, and decided to pay tribute to our history by keeping the floors just as lacquered as they were in 1977.
All the Species Darwin Discovered in the Galapagos Islands, and How They Tasted
How could two islands of near-identical climate, geology, and elevation give rise to two such distinct, yet delicious creatures? Science rocks.
My Life Is Flashing Before My Eyes, but the Cinematography Is Terrible
Honestly, if it wasn’t good in the "Bourne" movies, who thought shaky cam would be good to use over my third-grade musical?
Forget Magic Beans, I Will Trade You These NFTs for Your Mother’s Only Milking Cow
So magical are they, that if you purchase them now, by tomorrow they’ll be worth thousands, perhaps even millions of dollars!
It’s a New Year! Time to Set Another Realistic Goodreads Goal That You Somehow Won’t Meet
The bar gets lower every year, and you still haven't managed to clear it. But this one. This is the year. You can feel it.
I’m “John-At-The-Bar” and Whatever Billy Joel May Say, I Always Followed Corporate Policy
First off, my name is Jonathan. No one called me John, except Billy Joel. So were we really even friends?
The Four Ubers of the Apocalypse
And so I asked Conqueror if he was a new Uber driver, and he said unto me, "As a matter of fact, this is my first day driving."
Announcement: I Am Getting into Classical Music
Beethoven, Mozart, the one who wrote the song that plays during "Ocean’s 11" when they’re looking at the fountains. Yup, all those guys. And probably more.
My “Frankenstein” Is the First in Which the Monster Uses a Sweet-Ass Butterfly Knife
How many times have we seen the same old Frankenstein’s monster? So get excited, because THIS Monster stabs.
What a Cloud Thinks YOU Look Like
The other day I caught up with a gaggle of humans bobbing around in a wave pool and the first thing I thought of was “flesh corks.”