And I opened the App and requested a ride uptown, and soon I beheld a driver with a long white beard, and when I entered the back seat he said unto me, “You have opened the first of the Seven Seals, and I am Conqueror and we shall go forth conquering the world.”
I said I just needed to get uptown and conquering sounded like exercise and I had already worked out at the gym this morning. But he handed me a bow and arrow and said unto me, “This is how we shall conquer.”
I was a little confused, but I told him I always totally missed the target during high school archery class and once even stuck an arrow in my own foot. And Conqueror said unto me, “You will get lots of practice as we conquer the world.”
And so I asked Conqueror if he was a new Uber driver, and he said unto me, “As a matter of fact, this is my first day driving.”
And so I said OK, so maybe we could head uptown rather than conquer the world? But Conqueror said unto me, “This is Judgement Day for all humanity and we must conquer!” And I said Mondays always feel like Judgement Day and to let me out. Conqueror hit the brakes and bellowed “You will be vanquished like the rest of humanity!”
I hopped out, but in case it did happen to turn out to be Judgement Day, I gave him five stars.
And I opened the App and saw my driver was named War, and he was dressed in red plaid, and soon I beheld a large red pickup truck spewing black smoke and flying the flags of defeated nations. And War said unto me, “You have opened the Second Seal and we shall drive and take peace from the earth,” and when I got in the passenger seat, he said unto me, “You are riding shotgun, though I have no shotgun to give you because Uber does not allow guns.”
I told War I didn't much like guns anyway, but he was busy punching his horn, which played an electronic version of “Dixie,” and making un-Biblical gestures to other drivers. And so I asked War why he was so angry, and he said unto me, “Sorry, but I don't like to get into theological discussions while driving.”
Soon we were surrounded by drivers who liked peace and didn't like black diesel smoke, and so War and I could not take peace from the earth or even move uptown. And so I leapt down from the truck, and War said unto me, “Please do not report a trip issue, as my truck payments are expensive and my holy diesel fuel comes all the way from Bethlehem.”
And so I awarded him five stars for his war-like authenticity, but I did note that he wasn't wearing a mask as required.
And I opened the App and soon beheld a driver named Famine, and in his right hand he had a pair of scales, and one side held wheat and the other side a few coins, and he said unto me, “You have opened the Third Seal and we are to go forth and bring famine to the world.”
I said that I was glad that he wasn't some sort of armed conflict like the last two Ubers, and that I just wanted to get home for dinner. And he said unto me, “You think Famine is less deadly than War and Conquering?” I said I didn't like to get into theological discussions while riding.
I dropped a Whole Foods gift card in his scales, but he scowled and demanded gold coins, and when I said for safety's sake he should have both hands on the steering wheel, he said unto me “Enough!” and he pulled to the curb. “You and your family will be taken by famine!”
But then he apologized because it was late afternoon and he was cranky and his blood sugar was low. I dropped a candy bar into his scales, and he devoured it, saying he was only driving Uber to feed his family.
And so I gave him five stars because I didn't want his family to go hungry, and then I ordered Uber Eats for myself and hoped he wouldn't be delivering it.
And when I opened the App, I saw my driver's name was Death, and soon I beheld a pale Uber with a pale driver, and he said unto me “Hello, I am Death, and I apologize for the surge pricing, but I am always busy.” And he told me to hop in and we would bring death to the world with sword and famine and pestilence.
And so I said to Death that I had already tried all those today and maybe it sounded boring but could just get me home? And Death laughed and said unto me “Home? If you tip well, I can make your final trip fast and painless.” I said quietly to myself that this ride-sharing economy was making me sick, and Death turned to me and said unto me, “If you get sick in my car, your estate would be billed for an extra cleaning charge.”
And so I said unto Death that I was going to cancel and maybe take the subway, and he raged that no one ever cheated death, but when I tapped “Cancel,” he sighed and pulled over.
And he said unto me, “You will never again be welcome in heaven or hell or in an Uber.” And I rejoiced at those words, and on the sidewalk the heavens opened and I heard the angels singing about how I could complete my journey.
And so I stepped to the curb and gazed into oncoming traffic and raised my right arm in an ancient gesture, and soon a Yellow Cab stopped, and the backseat was soft and spacious, and the driver only asked where I wanted to go, and as I looked into his eyes in the mirror, he said rather gruffly unto me, “You lookin' at me?”
And I knew at once I had attained salvation and would soon enter the kingdom of home.