That Old Lady You Flipped Off in Traffic Is a Candidate for Sainthood
Sister Rosemary did nothing to deserve your wrath on JFK Boulevard this afternoon.
Tag: Satire
Girl, I’m About to Slide into Your LinkedIn DMs
I’m checking out your fine-ass certifications, baby, and damn you’re proficient.
Emails from a Parallel Universe
Dear Xfinity, I could not be happier with my wifi. My internet is SO fast and I never randomly lose service while writing an important email.
Auto Reply: OUT OF OFFICE: For the Rest of Eternity
I can’t and I can’t even. Whatever phrase works best for you to understand that I can’t help you.
All the Flights Are Canceled, Including the One You’re Currently On
We will be booking you at the nearest available destination: a desolate mountainside, now viewable if you look out the left side of the aircraft.
I’m the Actor Who Plays Chester Cheetah and I’m Tired of Being Type Cast as a Cheesy Snack-Food Obsessed Cool Dude
While I despised the overacting required for cartoonish behavior, I was a professional and delivered the performance asked of me.
My Sports Analogies Are Much More Sophisticated than You Think, You Losers
Allison in HR gave me the full-court press and explained that some of you think my sports analogies are creating a toxic workplace.
On Second Thought, Swallowing My Car Keys to Avoid Getting Carjacked Was Probably a Bad Idea
There's no way I'm going to pass the anchor-shaped keychain I got from my beach trip.
Thomas Edison’s Birthday Really Snuck Up on Me This Year
Getting electrocuted in the Menlo Park mall on the big man’s birthday is on my bucket list, but 2022 is not going to be the year I cross that one off.
Gordon Ramsay Reviews Your Valentine’s Day Date
I suppose oysters are a noted aphrodisiac, but even those could never overpower the terrifying sight of your lover’s haircut.
Would You Like to Make a Charitable Donation to Our Payroll Fund?
Here in Human Resources, we are consistently e-applauding each and every one of our hard-working, self-sacrificing rockstars.
I’m Sorry for Running Over Our Star Quarterback with the Medical Golf Cart, but It’s Actually Been Worse for Me
There are five guys on our offense whose only job is to protect the quarterback. Don't take their failure out on me.