Dear AAA,

Thanks for reaching out again. I definitely want to learn more about my exclusive medallion club discounts and how they’ll save me up to 30% on this year’s summer fashion trends.

Dear Xfinity,

I could not be happier with my wifi. My internet is SO fast and I never randomly lose service while writing an important email.

Dear Alice Miller (age 9),

I hope your school fundraiser was a success. My magazines finally arrived. I thought my days of body dysmorphia were over, but since receiving my first issue of Vogue, a new wave of insecurity (rooted mostly in my mid-region) has emerged. So thanks for the nostalgia!

Dear ASPCA (and Sara McLachlan),

You guys should team up with Maybelline. My mascara made it through the entire commercial… “Arms of an Angel” and all. Maybe I’m born with it? Maybe it’s Prozac-induced dopamine?

Dear Landlord,

You were totally justified in raising my rent. Had you not made that increase, I would’ve never had to get that second job, which ultimately helped me grasp the real meaning of hard work.

Dear Extended Warranty Company,

I’m so glad you got in touch with me, mainly because I didn’t even know I had a car. Obviously, it needs the best protection money can buy. Extend it. Warrant it.

Do you take American Express?

Dear StubHub,

Your hold music is lit. I mean, that sax solo 15-minutes in is totally worth the wait. Also, HUGE fan of your ticket fees!

Dear Aspiring County Commissioner,

I’m not sure who runs your marketing team, but they really nailed it with that glossy, half-page campaign mailer. I definitely won’t be throwing that away anytime soon. The photo of you with your family, combined with those vague talking points regarding infrastructure truly won me over.

Dear YouTube,

I am obsessed with YouTube Premium. Had you not constantly asked if I wanted to join, I would’ve never known about this exceptional service.

Dear Next Door Neighbor,

It’s no wonder your lawn looks impeccable; you work on it from dawn to dusk! Thanks to your daily 7:00 am ruckus, I no longer worry about sleeping through my morning alarm.

Bless you.

Dear AmaZog.con

Thank you for notifying me about the security breach on my Amazon account. I’ll be sure to reset my password with the handy link you included in your email. Your dedication to my cyber security means so much.