Let Me Use This Wedding Toast to Announce My Candidacy for President
What Ben saw in Liz in line at Sweetgreen is what I see in America every single day.
Tag: Satire
Spiders Should Start Wearing Cute Little Hats
Picture a spider eating a child, but now it’s wearing a tasteful little beret. People will ask, “Wow is that spider French?”
We Just Want You to Know, We Applaud You
We applaud you for giving us something to do with our hands other than ball them up or masturbate.
I’m Victor Frankenstein, and I’m Pretty Sure I’m Nailing This Humanoid Reanimation Project
I'm advancing science entire centuries without bumping into any serious questions of morality and ethics. How unbelievable is that?
Yes, I Am Writing This in a Moleskin Notebook, Thanks for Noticing
Oh, how literary I look! Scribbling furiously in my leather-bound Moleskine notebook with a free hotel pen!
I Don’t Feel like the Dawn Dish Soap We Fed Those Ducks Covered in Oil Really Did Anything Helpful
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
We, the Birds of NYC, Demand an End to the Birdhousing Crisis
Every year we live in fear of predatory rent hikes by turkey vulture-owned management companies.
Wedding Vows from a LinkedIn Influencer
💒👀So, HOW did we build such a LOVING RELATIONSHIP? 👀💒 Here’s how 👇
If You Want the Marching Band to Get Off the Field, You’re Gonna Have to Fight the Tuba Player
I know, it’s fucked up. And I do not envy whoever has to go toe-to-toe with that buffalo of a man.
You Only Think I’m Overdosing on Motivational Content Because of Your Weak Mindset
Actually, I think I’m responding quite normally to the motivational seminar I watch constantly.
All Politicians Are the Same
All politicians want to have sex with Paul Rudd.
I’ll Buy Your Mushroom Superfood If You Promise to Stop Asking
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.