Oh, No, I Just Remembered I Left the Front Door Unlocked and the House on Fire
I feel like such an idiot. How many times did I tell myself, “make sure you turn off the lights, lock the front door, and put out the grease fire."
Tag: Satire
Announcing Our New Human
Heather was a total warrior throughout. Every time I saw what she was going through, I was in total awe. Like… Wow. Women are strong.
The Most Important Thing About This World Event Is That It’s Ultimately About Me
I do feel this horrible event on a visceral and personal level, like way worse than how anyone else is feeling it, for sure.
The Inspiring Productivity Secrets of Morning People
Rise and grind, baby! And by that, I mean use an angle grinder to try and remove my court-mandated tracking bracelet.
How to Know He’s the One—The Chosen One, That Is
If they have a mentor over the age of sixty who spends most of their day wearing robes, then you are dealing with an absolute keeper.
I Fully Intend to Boycott Amazon Just as Soon as I Buy This Thing for My Newborn
I’m gonna order the Chomperoo 3-in-1 Soother Chewer through the Amazon app real quick and then Jeffrey “watch me burn money as literal rocket fuel” Bezos can take a hike!
My Elevator Pitch About a Disaster Movie Set In an Elevator
I suppose death could be right around the corner for us... In the movie, of course!
Rasputin’s Top 10 Tips for Picking Up Women
These tactics will work even if you’ve never spoken to a woman in your life—whether you’re a defrocked priest, or just a little shy.
An Open Letter to the Hermit Crab Who Made My Apartment His Shell While I Was Away
I cannot help but feel like the law is on the side of the cold-blooded decapods of this world who travel willy-nilly from shell to shell.
Child Labor Is Back, Baby! (Seriously, Are You a Baby? Because We’re Hiring)
You won’t get holidays off, but aren’t you sick of spending Thanksgiving with your cheugy cousins anyway?
I Would Be the Best Writer in the World but Oops, My Pencil Broke
The publishing world has always had a bias against writers who have never actually written anything.
I’m Pleased to Announce That This Party Has Been Canceled
Having many strangers come to my home was a poorly thought-out concept, and adding alcohol to the mix surely would have created hellfire.