The Yard Work Will Have to Wait Until I Recover from This Nasty Case of Havana Syndrome
I think I can muster up just enough strength to go put the gardening tools away but that’s about it. Just give me a second while I try to stand up.
Tag: Satire
Writing One Cool Idea per Day in a Great Big Cool Idea Journal
February 1: Someone told me the ice cream bowl was basically just a cone. Total hater.
The Word Was on the Tip of My Tongue
The word was poised to leap out of my mouth. I could feel the word coming loose from whatever papillae it had stepped in.
Announcing the Death of Larry Smith, Beloved Dentist, Community Member, Lawn Mower Thief
Larry took long walks where he bore a smug, knowing smile as he passed this editor’s house and looked upon the decrepit, unkempt lawn.
Why You Should Only Cut to Me Laughing During This Comedy Special Taping
I didn’t bring my resume with me but here you go: hahahahahhaa. See, I’m good.
A Connecticut Yankee Fan in King Arthur’s Court
“Yankee Stadium?” I said, pointing towards the castle below. “Camelot,” he replied. “What the fuck,” I said.
I, Clark Kent, Resign from Speedwriting Listicles at The Daily Planet
Before Lex Luthor’s hedge fund bought us out and we started reporting only by telephone, I loved running to crime scenes.
I McThink There Was McSomething in That McChicken
Oh McNo. I’m not McFeeling so McWell. My McVision is all McBlurred and I have a McPain in my McAbdomen.
How to Combat Your Internalized Misogyny in the Form of a Horrible Little Gremlin
Fight back by repeating daily affirmations—"I am good enough"—or by taking off a shoe and whipping it at the gremlin’s head.
Guac: The Expense Tracking App for Buying More Guacamole
No more acting like you don’t want guacamole or pretending that if you get guacamole, it’ll make you too full.
Charnstone Manor Is Hiring a Governess!
Strong candidates will fit in with our diverse and dedicated group of cryptic caretakers, silent maids, hostile valets, and cursed children.
Congratulations on Your Invitation to Duel to the Death for Our Beautiful Home
We’ll enforce basic duel-to-death etiquette, which basically seems to mean making sure one party dies (Hamilton is available on Disney+, by the way).