Come Work for Us. Now Hiring 16-Year-Olds!

You just got your license—sweet! But gas is at record highs—not so sweet. Make your mom’s 2006 Ford Fusion work for you by driving it to, well, work! You won’t get holidays off, but aren’t you sick of spending Thanksgiving with your cheugy cousins anyway? Stop by our office to escape Grandma Barb’s on-the-mouth kisses. We can’t wait to meet you.

Join Our Team! Now Hiring 14-Year-Olds.

Fourteen-year-olds are incredibly independent. That’s why it’s so ridiculous your parents won’t let you date Luke, your 8th-grade soulmate. Why do they keep undermining you like this? Earn some respect by getting a job that will make you want to throw a chair at the wall and crawl into a deep dark hole for the rest of your life. We can’t guarantee workplace safety, but we can promise your parents might reconsider letting you see Sonic the Hedgehog 2 with the cutest boy in school. Apply now!

You’re Making Us Do This. We Are Hiring 12-Year-Olds.

Listen, we feel for you. This awkward stage ain’t easy. Your ears are too big for your head. Your arms are too long for your body. A strawberry fruit snack is lodged in your braces. You’re a total freak of nature, but everyone will love you when the dough is pouring in and you’re able to buy a Nintendo Switch after working here for five years. (You’ll be paid half of what our other employees are paid because you’re half their age, see?)

10-Year-Olds? Screw it. Yes.

Double digits, huh? Exciting stuff. The next time you add another number to your age, you will be 100! Wow. If you want to live that long, you’ll need a healthy retirement account. Supplement your tooth fairy savings by working for a company so unethical it makes Amazon look pro-union. With more digits comes more responsibility, pal. Don’t wait! Positions are filling fast.

God Help Us. Are You 8? Welcome to the Team!

Eight is great. Why? It rhymes, but also because your focus and attention span are… Good enough! You’re ready to take on new tasks, such as:

  • Working on an Excel spreadsheet for a period of eight hours without taking a potty break
  • Staving off a full mental breakdown while a client spends ten minutes berating you
  • Convincing everyone you’re fine and satisfied as your dreams disappear and reality smacks you in your tiny face

Fuck it. Now Hiring 6-Year-Olds.

Did you just learn how to ride a bike? Do you want to explore new territory? Make a left at the end of your driveway. When you reach the stop sign, go right. Continue for one mile. Turn left at the first cross street onto the highway. Merge. Take Exit 26 after pedaling your little heart out for eight miles. You’ve arrived! What an adventure. Why don’t you pick up an application while you’re here? If you have a minute after catching your breath, we can actually interview you right now. You know what, forget it. You’re hired! Here’s your uniform. (We only have larges, so just tuck it in.)

Calling All 4-Year-Olds!

Uh oh! You heard your parents mention the word “preschool.” We’re here to tell you preschool is a load of garbage. Total horseshit. Coddled weaklings go to Pre-K to eat chocolate chip cookies and learn the namby-pamby ABCs. Taking a gap year before kindergarten is a huge mistake. Instead of curling up on a foam block for naptime, climb the corporate ladder by joining our team—we’re really more like a family.

2-Year-Olds… Sup?

Congrats on stringing together your first full sentence. Everyone is so proud, but don’t stop there! Try saying, “How can I help you?” Nice. We can definitely build on that. Now try, “Your call is important to us.” Great. I can tell you really mean it. What about, “I understand how frustrating that must be, but my manager left early today and is vacationing in Bora Bora indefinitely.” Roll up in your stroller today! You’ve got major potential.

Get Your Foot in the Door Early– As Early As You Can! Now Hiring Newborns.

Did you just emerge from a womb? Fun! We want that kind of new, fresh energy on our crew. It’s about time you started contributing to the family unit anyway. Do you really expect mommy to continue forking over $20 per week for your environmentally friendly poo containers? You can’t freeload off the ‘rents for the rest of your life. Let’s get those working papers in order, baby!