As a progressive member of our regrettably consumer-driven society, I believe nothing is more important than voting with your wallet. That is why I’m officially announcing that I will no longer be patronizing Amazon after I purchase this product I need for my baby immediately.

You may not be aware, but Billionaire Bezos is single-handedly ruining this country. Mom and Pop shops are closing left and right! You also may not be aware that my baby has started teething. She’s gonna be so fussy without the Chomperoo 3-in-1 Soother Chewer, so I’m just gonna order it through the Amazon app real quick and then Jeffrey “watch me burn my money as literal rocket fuel” Bezos can take a hike!

Did you watch the John Oliver episode about the terrible working conditions for Amazon employees? They don’t even take bathroom breaks—they pee in bottles. Bottles! Oh shit, I told my husband I was gonna get more bottles and I totally forgot. Ok, I didn’t know which kind we bought last time so I checked the order history on Amazon and I just clicked “Buy Now” without even thinking—oops!

You know what I did after that, though? Signed out of the app. It feels good to be on the right side of history.

By the way, did you read about the great lengths Amazon has gone to prevent their employees from unionizing? Without the ability to organize, these workers are powerless against their corporate overlords. How can I sleep at night knowing I’m supporting this anti-labor agenda? Speaking of sleeping at night—last night I ran out of overnight diapers. I had to sign back in and order more with Prime to make sure I’d have them by tonight. Otherwise, I’d have to put my baby to bed in a regular diaper—what a nightmare! But then I deleted the Amazon app entirely, so I think it’s safe to say I have washed my hands of the capitalist blood that stains our nation.

I’m actually thinking about heading to an Amazon warehouse in person and protesting. Want to join me? It’s critical that we put our foot down and– Does my baby’s cheek feel dry to you? This mommy blogger says the only thing that works for serious skin conditions is the WonderMama Organic Miracle Dream Cream and her site has an affiliate link to purchase it on Amazon. I’m gonna use it, but only to give this hard-working blog mama a kick back and also to avoid doing any additional research about where to buy this glorified Vaseline. Don’t hate me!

Ok, wait. Did you know that Amazon got the best possible score for how they treat LGBTQ+ employees from the Human Rights Campaign Foundation? If you think about it, getting new batteries for the Kick-A-Dilly Musical Melody Maker from anywhere else would be a slap in the face to the gays.

AND WHAT ABOUT AMAZON SMILE?! Hundreds of millions of dollars to charities? It’s actually incredibly irresponsible to boycott CHARITIES. My credit card information is already saved in the Amazon cache, please don’t make me re-enter all those numbers separately for an independent baby retailer AND the ACLU!

At this juncture, I’m sure we can agree that the issue of contributing to the destruction of a free and fair economy versus waiting more than 24 hours for Bitty Nostrils Snot Spray isn’t black and white.

I’m feeling pretty worn out by this conundrum and I need some “me time.” As my fellow activist Audre Lorde said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” I'm going to take that to heart and continue the good fight with some vino from Whole Foods while I dive into the new season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.