I’m an Hermés Sales Associate, and You Need to Get the Fuck Out
We are here to serve scorn and derision, and able to discern the net worth of patrons with a half-second, contemptful glance.
Tag: Satire
The “Micky Mouse Pancakes” on Our Kids Menu Are Not Affiliated with the Walt Disney Company
Smiling or otherwise expressive mouse head-shaped pancakes are trademarked.
I’m a WGA Member on Strike Using LinkedIn for the First Time
Every non-union job listing, for companies like BoatSwatch, Amalgamated Hunter, and A.I. Wurxs.
As a “Short King” Please Understand I Am Duty Bound to the Magna Carta
Con: Quite frequently we will have leave during movie night to oversee the search for knights and an exorcist.
The Letter D Wishes You’d Stop Calling the Alphabet “The ABCs”
“The ABCs” isn’t even a good name. I don’t really see the draw.
I Don’t Use Facebook Anymore, I’m Just Insufferable in Every Other Way
Since I’m no longer fixated on my news feed when we go out, I’ve started taking our six rescue dogs with me to the local coffee shop.
To the Person Who Gave My Toddler a Noisy Toy for Her Birthday
Thanks to you and the Magical Musical Mat™, every minute of my life is now a beeping, squawking, nonstop honking nightmare.
Mrs. Benjamin Franklin’s Daily Routine
Attempt to wash as baby breakfasts upon me and Mr. Franklin inquires as to where I’ve hidden his double spectacles; point to spectacles on Mr. Franklin’s face.
FAQs for Contestants on Netflix’s New Reality Dating Show, “Justice Is Blind,” Hosted by Clarence Thomas
Justice Is Blind follows Clarence Thomas in his delightfully romantic quest to find his new Billionaire Best Friend Forever.
Aliens Exist… and They’re Freaking Babes
Atheists say there are no higher powers, but the first time you see a Neptoid’s sponges you’ll realize atheists don’t know shit.
My Day as an Intern, as Imagined by My Exceedingly Optimistic Parents
12:30 PM, reads the Faberge Egg clock the CFO gifted me for having such a good PSAT score.
Mom, Can You Come Pick Me Up? The Guys Registered Another Offshore Financial Subsidiary in My Name
I nodded off for like two seconds and woke up to fresh ink stains on my fingers, and a notary public closing his briefcase and heading out the door.