Now That I’m Dead, I Totally Understand Your 1-Star Reviews of My Poorly-Managed Graveyard
I’m dead (claw machine accident, I’m sure it was in the papers) and now that I’ve spent enough time floating around, I’m ready to respond.
Tag: Editors’ Picks
I’ve Written the Best, or Quite Possibly the Worst, Novel Ever
It’s the very best thing I’ve ever written. Or, it’s the worst book ever typed into existence. Which one it is, I can’t say for sure.
It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Click Here to Opt Out of Selling Your Data to the Hovering Orb
Allowing us to sell your data helps us serve you ads relevant to your interests. Also, the orb is ravenous.
You Shouldn’t Have Messed with a Philosopher, and I’ll Prove It from First Principles
That’s right, I’d be afraid if I were you too. Afraid of having my actions held up to intellectually rigorous ethical scrutiny!
Letterboxd Reviews of “The Thing,” If the “Thing” Was the Dancing Old Man from the Six Flags Ad
★★ I’ve never seen a movie with so much dancing that’s not a musical. I’m so glad Six Flags isn’t a real place.
Your Mama Jokes from Guy Who Is Clearly in Love with Your Mom
Your mama’s so broke she doesn’t even make cents! Which is a shame because she’s worked hard for everything in this life.
A Customer Service Representative Goes on a Date
That’s great, Sylvia. I’ll just make a note of that for my records. Do you mind if I change the subject while we wait for our server to arrive?
Phishing Scams That Would Work On Me
YOU FORGOT MOM’S BIRTHDAY! IT’S TODAY! BUY HER A PRESENT HERE NOW!
Mood Lighting for Life’s Pivotal Moments
Faerie Lights: For when you’re watching "Garden State" with him for the first time.
Ok, Buddy, Now You’ve Really Gone and Done It
I don't want to be bad, but I will if I have to. Wait, scratch that. I actually LOVE being bad. And guess what? To me? Being bad feels GOOD.
This Year I Finally Enter the Public Domain
What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?