The Children of the Corn Give Thanks for Corn Subsidies
Thanks to the Farm Bill's protections, we can look after our community without having to do the murderous bidding of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
Tag: Money
Am I Describing My Broken Car to My Mechanic, or Describing My Miniature Labradoodle?
I know it’s not very masculine, but it’s really more for my family than anything. I would have gone with a bigger one if not for my wife.
I’m the Troll Living Under This Bridge and Only I Know Your Destiny Is to Be an Accountant
Being an accountant isn’t all about money, eating tuna sandwiches in the breakroom, and getting picked last for the company dodgeball team.
A Few Quick Announcements from the Flight Crew Here at Budjet, America’s Number One Most Affordable Airline
Your bags are important to you, but they're unpaying dead cargo to us and we are proud to be the only airline that has outlawed luggage on our fleet!
Bill Gates, I Implore You to Connect the Dots and Give Me a Couple Billion
Despite being “Employee of the Month” at the Chili’s I work at, this pales in comparison to the abysmal feeling of not being a billionaire.
Simon Says for Future Women in Power
Simon says stand on one foot, while also juggling four frying pans and reciting today’s history lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill from memory.
Dear Wikipedia Readers, We’ll Get Right to It: We Need Your Money
That should say “eight million." I guess you could pay somebody to fix it or—wait, we do that for free, all for the cost of a cup of coffee, don’t we?
I Will Not Let Impostor Syndrome Get Me Down Just Because I’m an Actual Impostor
It has taken hard work to get to where I am. I am a self-made, set-a-guy-up-to-be-murdered-and-steal-his-identity kind of person.
The Rules of Power According to a Teen in Charge of a Roller Coaster
They don’t know how to tame the most popular coaster in Central Jersey. You do.
To Thank LeBron James for His Brave Defense of China, We Will Be Forcing All of Our Political Prisoners to Watch “Space Jam 2”
I only hope that our political prisoners will love the movie as much as LeBron loves the money he'll get from it.
Modern Scares You’ll Encounter in a 2019 Haunted House
You flee down hallways. Everywhere, people are being NICE to each other! They jump out from the darkness, only to grab other people in huge hugs!
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.