I’m a Crosley Record Player
Every day that my knob is turned, I wheeze, I cough, calling out for help, but they can’t hear me scream over their thrifted Bob Dylan record.
Tag: Money
Are These Family Gifts Third-Party Seller Garbage, or Legit Holiday Treasure?
Was the Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner from a bakery trash can or Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale?
Should I Dump Him or Stay Because He’s Such a Great Gift Giver?
Marcus makes you miserable playing ultimate frisbee inside and then using his Frisbee as a plate, but are you willing to give up the incredible gifts.
The First Baptist Church Christmas Eve Service 2019, Presented by Verizon Wireless
Believers, tonight I bring you good news of unlimited talk and text to the Creator of the universe, powered by America’s best 5G network.
What to Get the Person Who Has Everything
The Multi-Millionaire: They have it all. The husband, the mansion, the coke addiction. What could you, their friend in low places, get them?
The Grinch Shouldn’t Be Prosecuted in the Court of Public Opinion
In Who-ville, critical thinking is not valued as a trait. No, rumor and hearsay are given far more weight.
I Demand You Take My Son off the Naughty List, Santa!
It pains me to think that the childhood I’ve carefully constructed for Trevin could come crashing down, all due to the ramifications of your bullying.
Santa, Please Turn All My Useless Christmas Presents into Gift Cards without My Loved Ones Noticing
My mom mailed me back my matching pajama set with a note, “Don’t bother wearing our family Christmas pajamas unless you ask for something fun."
Does This Crippling Existential Dread Make Me Look Fat?
This thing we call "life" is really just a painfully drawn out, cosmic joke. And I can’t tell if that’s what’s causing the bulge around my waistline.
5 Episodes of “DuckTales” Where Winter’s First Snowfall Coincided with Uncle Scrooge Explaining to His Grandnephews That Because They Were Not Human, God Would Not Welcome Them into the Kingdom of Heaven When They Died
Season 1, Episode 45 - Raiders of the Lost Harp: When Uncle Scrooge Bemoans That All His Riches Cannot Afford Him a Seat in God’s Kingdom
The Church Announces Changes to Try and Get Young People to Attend Mass
To help bring in the younger audience, the flock is now allowed to respond to “The Lord be with you” with “OK boomer.”
Dear Families That Share Holiday Letters
I noticed that you already posted those vacation photos online, but the evidence of just how wealthy your family is magneted to my fridge is a treat!