What to Expect With Your First 18-Year-Old War
Your war gets into Yale, just like its father, grandfather, and great-grandfather. Your war is a C student, just like its father.
Tag: Lists
8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Play God (That Aren’t Some Bullshit About Morality)
Profitability - Market confidence in any sort of synthesized life forms has been steadily declining since the 70s.
Happy New Year! Get Your Shit Together and Buy a Planner
DON'T: Try bullet journaling. Look, you can't even keep up with a pre-crafted planner, you think creating your own will go any better?
Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults
In order to allow our company's pop-up confirmshaming to get right to the point, we have dropped all pretense in our online buttons.
10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun
Blindfold the assisting doctor and spin the doctor around for a silly game of "Pin the Lethal Injection on Grandma."
Acceptable Reasons to Wake Up Your Parents in the Middle of the Night
You checked the closet and it wasn’t a monster, it was nine blue goblins. They play poker every Thursday night and they apologized for the noise.
List: Hip Hop Artist or Item Found in Our Pediatrician’s Office?
Lìllèbaby? Big Freedia? Baby Tear$? Is it a French rapper? Or a needlessly complicated baby carrier?
In This House, We Say Merry Christmas
When other people say, "Could you point me towards the restroom? Please hurry, I really have to go," we say, “Merry Christmas."
10 Things You Should Know Before You Go Back to Your Hometown for the Holidays
Your mom and I have been having some money issues, so we're hoping you don't mind sleeping in the basement. We've got a boarder now named Lorraine.
White Elephant Gift Exchange Power-Ups
3 - 5 Years: File a police report against the person who stole your gift. (Two reports allowed per game.)
Excerpts from the Support Group for Teachers Who Have Eaten Elmer’s Glue
"I figured it must be secretly tangy and delicious, like key lime pie yogurt. So, yeah, I tried it. I'm not proud of it, but I did."
20 Signs You May Be Dealing with Trick-or-Treaters Who Are a Little Too Old for This Shit
"Why, back in my day, we had to walk 50 miles through the snow just to get gruel and hardtack. Got any medical appliances?"